rishi sunak x dominic raab

5. burger

With his deputy PM the subject of a bullying investigation, Rishi was backed into a corner. There was only one thing left to do: a cabinet reshuffle.

"Right." He said, as he sat as his desk with Dom. "If we think about public demand, then the people whose removal would be most politically beneficial would of course be you, and the Home Secretary. So we're going to do the opposite of that." 

"You're such an out of the box thinker, Dishy." Dom said with childish wonder, and Rishi blushed. "Now, considering the immense popularity and success of the Johnson government, I think we should return a few people to the positions they held then."

"That works for me. I've spoken to Kemi and she's keen on business." Dom said confidently, and all colour drained from Rishi's face. "What's wrong?"

"D-don't you remember her life in the past?" 

"What life in the past?"

"She used to..." He lowered his voice. "Flip burgers for a living."

"Oh God!" Dom exclaimed in horror. "I didn't know this."

"It's fairly common knowledge, Incy. Why do you think we call her Kemi Burgernoch?" 

"I- I just assumed she liked burgers." He said, completely shaken. "She said- she said if I don't get  her this job she'll make my life a living hell." A tear fell from his eye, slipping under the snake-like vein which protruded angrily from his temple. 

"Don't worry." Rishi said, placing a comforting hand on his. "We can still consider it." 

"No. A prole still lives within her." He said darkly, and Rishi shuddered. 

"Wait..." Rishi said, thinking aloud. "There's not a burger flipping union..."  Dom's face lit up in realisation. 

"Of course there isn't. Oh my, maybe it will still work!"

"Eureka!" Rishi squealed, pointing his finger. 

"And now that I think about it, she did say last week that she wanted to use Mick Lynch as kindling for her fireplace." 

"There we go!" Rishi sat back in his chair, feeling inspired. "You know Incy, I think we've learnt an important lesson today. Maybe we shouldn't judge people by their pasts." 

"I wish more people understood that like you did." Dom said sadly. "I haven't caused a civil servant to be suicidal since last year. I've listened and grown so much as a person since then." 

"You should still be proud of that Incy." Rishi said, clasping his hands. Then, looking off wistfully into the distance, began to recite a quote. "Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not who someone else is today." 

"I've heard that before. Is that Descartes?"

"No, it's Jordan Peterson."

"Ah. Well, it's profound."

"Isn't it." Rishi said, taking a sip from his Luke Skywalker mug.