iykwim

maybe im stuck in a loop

maybe i want to snap idk maybe if i just fucking break id get help, maybe if i bled till i couldnt see straight it would feel better than this, maybe id pick myself up and dust myself off and force myself to get better or maybe id cut myself and hurt myself until there was nothing left but the shell of the person i was; what am i a fucking bitch that cant handle feeling down or like nothing. can i not handle the sound of nothing and everything at once anymore? Still no one sees how much i hurt, sure people have inklings but nobody can tell how bad im fucking dying to be anyone else but me maybe thats why i sit here reading stories about a life ill never live. it would be cool to be in a perfect world even for a little bit but maybe that would make the world even worse. if i died would people actually care, i know the people i love would hurt but would it really matter does me living actually help anyone or make anyone happy? am i a cunt for wanting people to hurt and cry and scream if i were to die? maybe i just want to know that im important to others cause maybe itd make me want to stay longer but what difference would it make if im already dead? maybe i need to drink less maybe i need to figure out who i am again, i dont know who i am i dont know who i want to be or what i should be. can any amount of words fix me. writing it all out makes me feel a little better i just wish it really made a difference, what do i need to do; be found half dead on a cold floor, scream at the top of my lungs on a tall building be caught with a blade to my neck and even if i was would any amount of words make a difference? im really fucking tired id love nothing more than to set nice thick scars into my thighs because at least if i lived i feel i deserve it. what happened to to me? i feel like a fucking cunt typing this shit out about hurting myself what am i fucking 14?? even if this is fucking stupid id rather put this shit out to people who will never read it than hurt alone at least this stupid vent story i made when i was 13 knows what im going through. at the big strong age of 18 i guess nothing changed, but that doesn't mean it never will even when I feel there's nothing to live for i don't think id ever give up on myself because the people that love me wouldn't either and who am i to tell them their wrong?