Three Words I'll Never Say

Chapter 25

I lay in bed quietly, my head propped up by my elbow as I rested my head on my hand. I sighed, drowning myself in the memories of the past. My thoughts swirled around in my mind, arguing with each other as they fought to catch my attention. I grunted in frustration at them, smacking myself in the head a few times as if it would make them go away. It didn't work though. They kept coming back, the pain and grief they held made me feel like vomiting.

I felt my tears start to slide down my cheeks. I was fighting in a battle that I could not win.

I needed to let go.

I needed to let myself remember the pain so that I could remember the joy.

The laughter.

The peace.

The love.

The only way I could be released from the pain was to feel it.

I let my head fall back onto my pillow in defeat.

I wasn't ready.

I closed my eyes and drew a deep breath, letting the fresh, morning air fill my lungs.

I smiled as I remembered my story, realising that I'd found a way to distract myself.

I took out my laptop and logged in to my account on Wattpad.

2 new messages.

I clicked on my inbox to read them.

'Stacey, so you read my story, did you? Tell me, what did you say you learned about me?'

I grinned, seeing that they were from JokerJock;).

'Actually, to tell you the truth, I prefer to be a mystery, the kind of person who others look up to in a way that they don't even know. I feel secure that way, because my secrets are safe and I don't feel vulnerable. But hey, why am I telling you this anyway? Here I am, supposed to be a 'mystery' and I'm telling you everything about me. Kinda silly isn't it? Well, I guess it's alright since we don't even know each other anyway. I don't know why but, it's easier to talk to someone online, it doesn't matter what they think of you because you're most likely never gonna see them anyway.'

I chewed my lip softly, thinking. He was right in a way, I guess.

'Joker, you're right, talking to someone online is easier but I don't really think it's safer. For all I know you could be some creepy forty year old stalker. But for some reason, I don't know about you and this may sound weird but, I feel like I know you really well, like I've known you for a really long time, when really, I only met you a couple days ago. Maybe it was your story, or your profile or even your messages that made me feel like that, I don't know. Well, I guess this is a good idea anyway. Talking to you I mean. Because this way we can both have someone to talk to that we know won't judge.'

I clicked send and then went back to my story to write, hoping that after I'd finished my chapter, he would have replied...

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Lauren stopped outside the house, taking it all in again. It had been quite a while since she'd been there last. Her memory of freshly cut green grass and blooming flowers in the front garden of the house was no replica of what it was now. The fact that the grass was long and dry, the flowers were dead and their stalks were tangled together surprised her, for Mr. McCarthy was the sort of man who took time and pleasure in making things neat and attractive, especially when it came to his garden.

Lauren took a step towards the house but stopped again. The butterflies in her stomach felt like they were flying the other way, pushing her back towards her car. She took a long deep breath and released it slowly, before walking all the way up to the door. Lauren raised her arm, closing her fist to knock on the door. She closed her eyes, tightly, and knocked, waiting for someone to open the door.

It felt like forever before the door finally opened, revealing a tired looking Mrs. McCarthy.

"Hi, Mrs. McCarthy."

Her eyes softened, "Hey, sweetie. Can I do anything for you?"

"Um, can...can I...I mean, is it alright if I...if I speak with Scott?" Lauren stuttered out as she fiddled with her hands nervously.

Mrs. McCarthy sighed hesitantly, "I...um...I don't think that's a very good idea...I mean, he doesn't want to..."

"It's okay, Mum," a voice interrupted her from behind.

Lauren's heart stopped, it had been so long since she'd last heard his voice.

Mrs. McCarthy looked at him, unsure, but he must have signalled that it was okay somehow because she nodded her head.

She but her lip nervously as Mrs. McCarthy left us to be alone. He came into sight from behind the door and came out to her, closing the door behind him. Heart heart thumped so loudly she thought that even he could hear it.

Lauren took a deep breath, "Scott, look, I don't know what I did, I don't know what made you want to break up with me. But please, give me another..."

He cut me off, "Lauren. You did nothing. It wasn't your fault, trust me. But I can't...I just...can't be with you anymore."

Lauren tried to keep her tears from coming as she built up her courage, "If you can't be with me then that's okay...as long as you tell me the reason why."

He slumped his shoulders and sighed.

"There's....I....just....ugh!" He rubbed his hands over his face and raked them through his hair.

Scott closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath as he turned to open the door, "Come on in."

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I stopped typing and saved my draft. Clicking inbox, I found that Joker had replied to my message.

'Yeah, it's funny isn't it? Because I feel the same way about knowing you. Except that I'm not a forty year old stalker. You're right, it's good to have someone to talk to who you know won't judge. You can talk to me anytime, okay?'

I smiled and replied to him.

'Well, I guess that's good thing then, about you not being a forty year old stalker. Thanks, I may take you up on that offer someday. You can talk to me anytime, too.'

I waited awhile before he answered.

'I don't think you'll want me to bother you with my sad, complicated 'love life', but I'll be there for you, okay?'

I frowned, curious as to what his 'love life' was.

'Okay, whatever you say, but I'll be there for you anyway because you may find that talking about it might help.'

I signed out, but not before reading his last message.

'Thanks, Stacey, you don't know how much that means to me :)'

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Thanks for reading!! 

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~ Sarah