Even if the sky is falling down - A Volodymyr Zelenskyy fanfiction

Chapter 2 - I was so stupid

As I had to wait and could not do anything in a short run, I decided to lay in my bed and think about the kiss. Also to distract myself a little bit from the nightmare Volodymyr, I and the whole nation are going to face. 

It's not like I never expected him kissing me. It became clearer in the last time that there is not very much professional distance between us left. But I didn't expect it in such a moment. In a weak moment. 

I'm his speech-editor for the whole three years of his presidency and with every year we worked together, we got closer. From the very first day, we liked each other. It's his sense of humor and his ease with which he goes through his days that fascinated me from the beginning. Around him, I felt safe and welcomed from day one. This motivated me to do my best in the job as his speech-editor.

Also I found him very attractive and handsome from the day I had my job interview with him. Generally, it's so easy to fall in love with him. But I did not think much about what my feelings for him might become. In first place, I wanted to have a good working-climate with him.

But over the years, the recognition he gets for his speeches we wrote together and the problematic moments in which we had to find special words, i.e. for the soldiers stationed in Donbas to motivate them to continue their fight, pushed us closer together and I became more than only an employee of him. Something special built up between us, but I wasn't able to interpret it right.

He started to trust me like no one else. If there is anything wrong, he tells me first. He talks with me about his feelings, insecurities and wishes. I have seen him celebrating, laughing, crying, breaking and always did my best to share these special moments of his career and personal life. I could always easily connect to him and his emotions. And sometimes, it is also the other way around. He shows his honest interest for my person and my private life. Infront of him, I even can be weak and not professional. He cares about me and wants me to have a good time around him. 

For the whole time, both of us stayed single. Volodymyr focused on his presidency and my job took also my freetime cause I don't want to disappoint him and want to support him as good as possible. But at some point, I started to think that there is another reason for both of us not going to date anybody. 

In retroperspective, there are some moments in which Volodymyr sent me certain signals. The way he layed his hand on my lower back sometimes. In general the skin contact we had. It was always him who was looking for that. He also invited me to some less official events to go as his date. I always thought that was because it was obvious to ask the only female in his team who was close to him and he doesn't have a girlfiend. But maybe it was because he wanted me to be his date 'cause he wants to know how it would feel. In one moment, he even thought about kissing me when a kiss cam catched us, but I was just laughing 'cause I thought he would make a joke. 

It was hard for me to believe that he could mean it serious with me. That he would want ME to be his girlfriend - because I never was something special. Looking okay but not especially pretty and being more like an introvert, I did not get what he could see in me. At least, he could get EVERY woman he wanted to. No reason to decide for me, an employee of him, with which a relationship could bring negative side effects. 

I was so stupid. I must have made him feel that I wanted to keep distance. That I don't want to make the next step with him. So, he kept control over his feelings and pulled himself together for all that time. But two hours ago, he couldn't hide it anymore. He must have thought that maybe there won't be another chance to show me how he really feels for me. Because of course, he is a target now and don't know if he will survive all this. This thought suddenly makes me shiver. 

I could have had him for years, if I'm right with all of this. We could be a couple. I could be the woman at his side. Supporting him even further for a while. 

But reality is different. At least, I need to tell him that I'm sorry. That I was stupid. That from now, I am the part of his life he wanted me to be for a while now.