Rusty

- Chapter 19 -

Desirae

It's game day. Not like it's a big deal to me, I just know it means a lot to Jax and I'm going to be there for him all of today. Well, when he comes back to the room.

He did text me last night, around 9. They decided to not wake us up and stayed in another room, not like I would be sleeping if he isn't here. Mainly because I don't know the area and I don't know anyone around here.

So, I am anxious. I think anyone would be, especially since the person you came here for isn't there. But, when he texted me, he said he'd be coming back to the room in an hour or so.

I do hope he follows up on that, because I really need him right now. Quite frankly, I need to talk to him. Badly, like what was he doing?

Then there's a knock at the door, at first I'm pissed, I am. I feel like I have every right to be, he didn't come back last night. I didn't tell them to party, I said go out.

But I am glad that he came back, I really want him here. He makes me feel safe and happy, so I can't loose him and I can't have him be in a bad mood especially now.

"Desi, I'm so sorry." He can see it on my face, I know he does. I just step to the side to let him in, I don't know what to say to him honestly.

"Wanna sit down." I offer, he nods at me and I start walking over to the couch in the room. 

I sit down before him, I want to watch him carefully. I don't think he's hungover, I won't put it past him that he had one or maybe two drinks. He doesn't smell of alcohol, nor does his breath.

When he sits down, he looks straight at me. He's trying to read me and my expression. I'm trying not to give him anything, it's impossible with him though.

He's supposed to make me feel safe and happy, but right now I can't. I feel so awkward and uncomfortable around him. I shouldn't feel this way. I hate it, this is what we didn't want. What I didn't want.

"Where did you go?" I ask him, I'm trying to look directly at him. But I want to look anywhere but.

"Honestly? We didn't do much. We stayed here for a while, then we went to a bar. Let's put it this way it was a shitty bar." Was that supposed to make me feel better, really?

"How much did you drink."

"I had one drink, one shot. The drink, was a coke." He's telling the truth, I think. "Desi, I'm not the same person anymore. I promise you."

Trust me, I want to believe that. I know he didn't drink as much as he did after or around the time we got engaged. I didn't want that, neither did he.

He didn't want to get married to someone knowing he wasn't in a good place mentally. I wouldn't say he was addicted to alcohol, neither would he. But he was nearing that, and he knows that.

"Okay." I'm actually am looking at him this time, trust me I love him. I really do, I want to trust him. I think I do.

"I need to get ready." I sigh while I stand up, I don't think this went as well as it could've.

"Desi, please. I need you to trust me."

"I do, I do trust you. I'd just prefer it if you would have come back to the room. That's all." I say, I'm lying. I know I am. I would've loved a text or a call just to know that he's safe.

I mean, it's not like he'd be getting attacked or anything. He can fight people, he's done it before. Even then he was covered in hockey gear, so I don't really think that counts. But it's the only thing I could think of.

He stands up and I can feel his presence behind me, he must be close enough because I can feel his breath behind me. He puts his hand on my waist, possibly in an attempt to get me to turn me around.

"Jax, what are you doing?" I ask him as I look over my shoulder.

"I don't want this." Now that get's me to turn around.

"What?" I look him, dead in the eyes. I feel nothing right now, absolutely nothing.

"This just seems wrong."

"Jax, are you breaking up with me?"

Then how he looks at me, apologetically. I know that's not what he meant, "No, Desirae. I don't want to break up with you."

"Why are you using my name now? What's changed, what's different." Im trying to keep a straight face, but when the man I love with everything is hinting to us breaking up. Literally hours before his life changing game. Honestly, it makes me want to break down.

"I don't know. We just feel off. I think we have for a while."

"I'll admit, we have been shaky for a while. This is why a small thing, like this has fucked us over." I don't know where I'm going with this, I want to be with him. So badly, but we genuinely can't work this out.

"I don't want small things to fuck us over, that's wrong."

"I know, we're dating. It's not supposed to be perfect." I tell him, dating someone is never going to be perfect. I think we knew this, at least we should've. We were going to get married, it's not like we had no history at all.

It wasn't going to be beautiful, if that's what he wanted he would have never ever asked me to be his girlfriend again 6 months ago.

"I love you, okay? I knew going into this we wouldn't be perfect we have a lot of history." 

"I love you too, Desi. I couldn't imagine breaking up with you, especially not now." He smiles at me and pulls me closer to him.

We need to accept this, we are never going to be perfect. We won't be the fairytales that I read about when I was younger. I think the fact that we get to try again, is all we need to be something similar.

Then I felt something in his pocket.

"What's that?"

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Hey <3

Sorry for the short chapter, I couldn't fit what I wanted to in one chapter and have it end on an interesting note.

-Cami