His Scars

28. Love Isn't the Answer

Hey Kids, 

Okay. This chapter was supposed to go somewhere, but it ended up going in a whole different direction. But I was feeling Matt today. I wanted to bring in one of the friends to see where they stood on this whole yucky sitch. 

Anyway, please do let me know what you think. 

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SAGE

"I'll stop loving you." Those words hammered around in my skull worse than the hangover I was having. 

Words I had not meant. But something about the way he said what he did had pierced through the haze. 

"Can't you just stop loving me?" There was desperation in his voice. Like my love was hellfire and it was punishing him. 

So I said the words he wanted to hear. I hoped they would give him some respite. I watched for his reaction. There was shock...and something else. But I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Regret? No...not quite. Maybe I didn't know him. Not if I couldn't tell what he was feeling the way I could with Matt and Gina. 

I couldn't bear to stay after that. I couldn't sit in that truck that felt like home, surrounded by the scent of him. 

For the first time, I wished my hangover was bad enough to drown out my thoughts. Caleb and I sat quietly in the car as he drove me to the University. 

He had been waiting up for me the previous night. I gave him a scrambled explanation about why Kane was dropping me home when he had very clearly warned me not to go near him. I had also explained as resolutely as I could that he needn't worry about Kane and me thereafter. We were done. 

And we were. I might not ever succeed in getting over him. But I could pretend. I could pretend until it killed me if that would make Kane feel more at ease. 

It wasn't like I didn't understand where he was coming from. Life had been difficult for him without all the recent events. He was just trying to stay safe and keep me safe. But I couldn't help but wish we could figure out another way. Something that could put this whole thing to rest. 

I wanted to fight. But he had moved here to get away from that kind of life. And I couldn't begrudge him for that. 

I was just being undeniably selfish. I kept my head down in every class we shared until the professor arrived. I didn't know if Kane took any notice of me. If he did, he didn't react. I no longer stared at the back of his head even though I was painfully aware of his presence. It was like I could sense him as soon as he walked into class. I knew what his footsteps sounded like. I knew the sound the chair would make when he dragged it back. I recognised the thump of his bag. I knew exactly when he would be twirling his pen in his fingers, concentrating on what the professor was saying. 

I wanted to bang my fist against my chest to silence the ache in my heart. But I knew it wouldn't help. Nothing would ever take away the emptiness of losing him. No breakup I'd ever experienced felt like this. He was always within touching distance, yet there was a deep trench between us. 

I refused to make my feelings obvious. I no longer avoided him as I did before. Rushing out of class, trying not to bump into him in the hallways. I just pretended as though I didn't notice him. I assumed that was what one did when they were no longer bothered by another's presence. 

But it hurt. I was trying to be selfless, but it didn't feel like it. I had told him I would show him that he was worthy of all the love in the world. But I had pretty much told him I was giving up on him. Even if my feelings were only getting stronger, he would think I no longer loved him. That I no longer wanted to.