Losing You [A Benson and Bensler Fanfiction]

Seven

Olivia laid in the hospital bed, her arms wrapped tightly around her body as she cried quietly. After kicking Elliot out, she was so lonely and angry. She had fought the nurses on giving her something to sleep, so she had been awake the entire night. She felt every cramp and the way her body was freezing from the IVs in her arm.

The door creaked open, revealing two figures. Olivia turned her head and blinked away tears until her vision was no longer blurry. She frowned before turning so she wasn't looking at the door anymore.

"Leave me alone," she ordered bitterly.

"Liv, Fin called and told us what happened... He said that you almost died," Casey spoke.

"I wish I had," Olivia snapped. Alex looked at Casey before frowning deeply and moving into the room. Casey shut the door, then walked to where Alex was standing.

"I'm glad you are alive, Liv... I'm sorry you lost your baby, though. So sorry," Alex breathed, as she reached out and smoothed Olivia's bangs away from her forehead.

"I will never have a baby, and it's all my fault... It's God telling me that having an affair is a sin and I must pay for it," Olivia hissed. 

"An affair? Liv-"

"I'm seeing Elliot!" Olivia cried. Alex closed her eyes tightly before turning to look at Casey. Neither knew what to say, so they just stood there and tried to process what was being said.

Out of all three of them, Casey and Alex didn't expect for Olivia to be the one to have an affair. She was always so vocal about how cheating was wrong, but she was now sleeping with Elliot when he was still with Kathy.

"So he's the guy you won't tell us about..." Casey mumbled.

"I didn't tell you for this exact reason, Casey! You two are judging me for being with the man I love! But I deserve it all!" Olivia cried. She squirmed so Alex's hand was no longer touching her before climbing out of bed. The moment she was standing, she started to sway and she grew dizzy. 

"Liv-"

"I wanted that baby so bad," Olivia panted, as she grabbed on tightly to her IV pole.

"You just had surgery. You need-"

"I need to get away from everything here! I will never have a baby with the man I love because I'm a home wrecking slut! Everything bad that comes at me... I deserve it!" Olivia cried. She took a few unsure steps as Alex walked around the bed.

"No, you are a good person. What happened-" Alex stopped herself when Olivia started to fall. She quickly grabbed her best friend and stumbled to the floor with her. She held her tightly to her body as Casey ran to get a nurse.

"Oh, Liv."

///

The pain of losing the baby faded after a couple of weeks. But that was the physical pain. Olivia was mentally scarred and in a terrible place. She was allowed back to work once she stopped bleeding and wasn't as dizzy, but even going back to the place she loved didn't make her feel better. 

"Hey, Benson," Amanda smiled, as she met her partner on the front steps of the precinct. Olivia sighed softly and nodded.

"Hey."

They proceeded into the building and then into the elevator. Amanda didn't know what to say to a friend that lost a baby she was so incredibly excited about, especially when it was such a horrifying why for her to miscarry.

"How are you feeling?" Amanda mused.

"Fine," Olivia lied.

"Yeah? No more pain?"

"I'm feeling fine, Amanda."

"Okay, but-"

"But nothing, Rollins. I lost my child, and now I'm dealing with my feelings about that. I get that you are worried, but don't waste your energy on me. I'm a waste of that energy," Olivia grumbled. 

She stepped out of the elevator the moment the doors opened. She didn't look to the right of the elevator since that is where a puddle of her blood sat for a few hours while they waited until a cleaning crew could come up and clean up the area properly.

Amanda made her rounds once Olivia got to her desk and told everyone to just give her space. She eventually sat across from Olivia, but didn't look at her. 

The shift went by slowly, and no one heard a peep from Olivia. She didn't get any calls, and they didn't have a case. The shift consisted of mostly sitting around and dwelling on the fact things would never be the same. Olivia hadn't heard from Elliot since she kicked him out of the hospital. She didn't think she'd ever hear from him again.

"Benson, can I talk to you real quick?" Cragen asked, as his detectives shut off their computers and prepared to head home. Olivia sighed softly as she tossed her jacket onto the back of her chair. She walked quietly past her co-workers before reaching Cragen's office.

He motioned for her to sit down before sitting down behind his desk.

"So, you had a miscarriage," He spoke awkwardly.

"Yes."

"When were you going to tell me you were pregnant?" He questioned. Olivia frowned before shrugging.

"That doesn't really matter now, right? My baby is medical waste now," Olivia grumbled. She was so angry, and this conversation wasn't helping.

"D-don't say that," Cragen frowned.

"It's the truth. Now, can I go home?"

"Do you need more time?"

"For what?"

"You know why, Olivia. I didn't hear you say anything today, and you are so pissed off. If you need more time, then take it. We will be fine while you are gone."

"I'm fine, Don. Now, I'm going home. If I'm not wanted back tomorrow, have a box of my stuff waiting on the front steps. I'll get the message."

///

Olivia stopped and got herself a bottle of wine before going home. She walked down the hall of her building and stopped when she saw her door. Standing in front of it was Elliot, and he looked anxious. Olivia was wondering if she could turn and walk away, but then her keys slipped from her hand and hit the ground. Elliot turned quickly to look at Olivia before walking to where she stood.

"Hey, babe," He breathed. Olivia frowned softly before nodding.

"Hi."