Losing You [A Benson and Bensler Fanfiction]

Nineteen

Olivia wandered into the courtroom the morning after she was released. Casey wasn't even awake when she slipped out of the apartment, and that is exactly what Olivia wanted. She wanted to be alone and listen to what remained of Elliot's murder trial. Olivia needed to hear what everyone had to say, especially the men that killed her boyfriend.

"Detective," DA McCoy spoke as he came into the quiet room. Olivia turned to look at him, a frown covering her expression.

"Good morning, Jack."

"How are you doing?" He questioned, as he walked to the front of the room and sat his briefcase down on his table. 

"I'm doing better than before. Thank you for asking," Olivia replied shyly. Jack moved back to where Olivia sat before sinking down beside her.

"These men are going to get jail time for killing Elliot. Closing arguments should be today, and I'm certain that the jury won't have to deliberate for long," He smiled. Olivia nodded her response before looking down at what portion of her lap she could still see.

"I think that I'll take off."

"Detective-"

"I'm not strong enough for this, sir. My best friend was murdered, and I don't want to hear the defense pretend that the killers did nothing wrong... Good luck, Jack. Kick some ass," Olivia replied weakly. She stood slowly and went to leave, but she stopped when the doors swung open and Kathy walked in. 

Jack stepped in quickly to discuss the case with her, and Olivia used the distraction to walk quickly from the courtroom before Kathy saw her and noticed she was pregnant.

///

"Benson, what are you doing here?" Amanda asked, when Olivia walked quietly into the squadroom. 

"I wanted to see if Don was in. I'd like to discuss coming back and working, even if it's modified duty," Olivia replied weakly, her eyes always looking above Amanda and never making eye contact.

"He is going to the trial this morning. Why aren't you there?"

"I can't relive that night again, Rollins. For the sake of my mental health, I gotta be able to move forward and not focus on that night. Eventually, I'll have to tell my baby about her father's death, but I'd like to focus on the good stuff first."

Amanda walked over and grabbed Olivia's hand, before tugging her towards the breakroom. She forced her into a seat before grabbing Olivia's mug from the shelf and filling it with decaf coffee. 

"Okay, tell me about Elliot," Amanda spoke, as she sat across from Olivia.

"What?"

"Tell me about the man you were madly in love with," Amanda grinned. Olivia blushed softly before nodding slowly.

Over the last several months that Olivia and Amanda had been partners, Olivia told her some, but not all, of what made up Elliot Stabler. She kept a lot of her thoughts and feelings to herself, just in case Amanda blurted out a secret and it got back to Kathy.

"To start, I'm still madly in love with him. I think that I always will be, and this little baby will keep that love alive."

"Are you sure that you don't know if it's a boy or girl? You always refer to the baby as a girl," Amanda smiled, as she watched her partner lean back in the chair and gently brush her fingers across her belly.

"It's a gut feeling, and kinda a scientific guess. Elliot has three daughters and two sons," Olivia chuckled softly.

"Okay, so keep telling me about your daughter's father," Amanda spoke.

Amanda kept Olivia occupied for a very long time, discussing Elliot. They talked about how their first meeting didn't go great, but they quickly became close and eventually fell in love. Olivia talked about the nights they spent together and how Kathy was jealous of what they had. Time passed quickly, and they only left the breakroom when Cragen's voice filled the space.

"Rollins, have you done any work this morning?" He grumbled before stopping when he spotted Olivia behind Amanda.

"Sorry, Captain. I'll get back to my paperwork right now," Amanda replied, before hurrying to her desk. 

"Liv?" Cragen asked.

"Hey, sir... Can we talk?"

///

The men that killed Elliot were all found guilty. A date was set for their sentencing, and eventually Kathy set a date for Elliot's funeral. The weeks went by slowly, but Olivia was given permission to work, so that helped a little.

"I can barely breath," Olivia mumbled, as she stood in her bedroom and tried to fasten her dress slacks. 

"Okay, so I brought a few options to try to give you more space," Casey smiled, as she walked into Olivia's room. They had decided that Olivia would stay until she wanted to leave. They could move a crib into the room along with another dresser. It would be tight, but at least Olivia wouldn't be alone when she brought her child home.

"Okay, how are we going to rig my pants to fit?" Olivia sighed, as she turned to face the friend. Casey held up a black hair tie and smiled.

"We can loop this over your button, pull it through the hole, then put it over the button again. If one isn't enough, I brought two," Casey replied. Olivia looked at Casey for a long moment, before exhaling.

"Hell, let's give it a shot. If it doesn't work, maybe I just won't button my pants. Or I'll wear a pair that wasn't given to me by the NYPD," Olivia replied. 

After twenty minutes of trying to get Olivia's pants to close, she changed into a different pair of slacks that weren't exactly the same color, but close enough. Casey and Olivia left their apartment and drove to the church that the Stabler's have gone to for many years. Kathy and several other friends or family members spoke about Elliot, before Captain Lawson and then Cragen each spoke. 

Well over a two hours later, Elliot's casket was carried from the church and all the officers stood and saluted their fallen brother in blue as his casket was carried to the hearse.

Olivia stood between Amanda and Fin as tears poured down her cheeks. The sounds of bagpipes filled the air, so those gathered did not hear Olivia's weak sobs. 

"Goodbye, Elliot," Olivia whimpered, as she wiped the tears from her cheeks with a white gloved hand.