Losing You [A Benson and Bensler Fanfiction]

Fifteen

TW: Discussion of suicidal thoughts and self harm

Olivia sat in her hospital room and watched as a nurse removed the IV from her arm. A few minutes ago, an ultrasound tech had come in and gave Olivia the ability to look at her baby. There wasn't much to see, but everyone was hoping it would give her hope. That seeing the tiny human in her belly would give her something to fight for.

"Here is your copy of the sonogram. We are sending additional copies to the hospital with you, just in case this one gets to love worn, and it's harder to see," the nurse smiled as she handed the glossy picture to Olivia. 

Olivia hesitantly took the image in her hand and looked down at it for several moments. She still thought that this was a dream that she'd wake up from. That it turns out she was never pregnant, but that Elliot was still dead.

"Do I get to keep this with me?" Olivia asked, her voice shaking.

"The sonogram?"

"Yeah..."

"It's yours, Olivia. If you have other pictures, you can bring them too."

Olivia shook her head slowly, knowing that if she brought pictures of Elliot that things would never get better.

"This is all I have," She mumbled. The nurse left the room quietly, as Olivia settled back against the pillows and looked at the picture. She was so absorbed, that she didn't hear when Alex knocked on the open door.

"Olivia?" Alex questioned. Olivia's eyes shot up from the sonogram, and she turned quickly to look at her friend. Casey and Amanda stood behind Alex, their faces covered in worry for their friend.

"What are you three doing here?"

"We heard you are being moved to a hospital in Albany for a few months. We wanted to make sure we got a chance to say goodbye," Alex spoke.

"If I do good, I won't be there for a few months. When I get released, someone will have to keep an eye on me," Olivia frowned. She wasn't surprised when no one raised their hand and volunteered. 

"We have time to figure that on," Alex replied awkwardly. Olivia nodded slowly, before pulling her legs tight against her chest. She felt like a burden, and didn't know if she'd come home after she was released.

Maybe she'd move somewhere else and raise her baby away from the pain of its father's murder.

"Thank you for coming to see me, but we don't need to drag this out. An ambulance is coming to transfer me soon, and I doubt there is much more to say," Olivia mumbled into her legs. 

Alex exchanged glances with Casey and Amanda, before hesitantly stepping towards the bed. Casey rested her hand against Olivia's back and rubbed it lovingly.

"We are going to come up on the weekends to see you. If anything happens while you are there, please put one of us as your contact. Then we can drive up and be by your side. Okay?" Casey breathed, before kissing Olivia's hair.

///

Olivia's ride up to the hospital wasn't enjoyable. Due to the fact she had previously harmed herself, they strapped her to a gurney on the ride up. Once at the hospital, her small bag of belongings were searched before they took her to a private room.

A nurse stood and watched as Olivia changed into a t-shirt and sweatpants. 

"Olivia, this is your intake room. For the next week, this is where you will be staying. One of us will take you to the bathroom and bring you meals. Medicine will be given with your meals, and we will work out what works for you and what doesn't," The nurse explained, as she checked things off on her clipboard.

"Okay," Olivia replied softly.

"I have a note stating that you are pregnant. Is that correct?"

"Yes. But I might lose the baby."

"Did the hospital tell you way? I need to make notes just in case there is a medical emergency," she replied.

Olivia looked at the empty wall and gnawed on the inside of her cheek.

"I took pills, and they had to pump my stomach. I also had a miscarriage late last year, so it may happen again," Olivia answered quietly.

After a few more questions, the nurse locked Olivia in her room. Olivia walked around and ran her fingers over the smooth white walls before sitting down on the bed. She sat cross-legged on it before pressing her fingers gently against her flat stomach.

"I'm sorry for hurting you, kid. I bet you wish someone better would carry you, because I'm like a complete fuck up... I won't blame you if you want to join your daddy and sibling up in heaven... I wish I was there too," Olivia whispered, as tears flowed down her cheeks. 

She laid back on the bed and wrapped her arms tightly around her body. This was going to be the longest days of her life.

///

The first week that Olivia was stuck in the intake room. Whenever she needed to use the bathroom, a nurse unlocked her door and led her into the bathroom. They watched closely her, and a therapist came and spoke to her twice a day.

She was put on medicine for her depression and anxiety, along with getting her prenatal vitamins. Olivia woke up each day and watched closely to see if she ever spotted blood on the bed or in her pants, but she never saw any. Yet she was still banking on the fact she was going to miscarry.

On the one week mark, she was released and put into another private room. This time she was free to use the bathroom when needed, ate with the rest of the patients, and got time in the activities room.

While she was flipping through a magazine that didn't interest her at all, Casey approached her.

"Liv," Casey smiled. Olivia closed the magazine before standing slowly and looked her friend over slowly.

"Hi."

"How are you doing, sweetie?" Casey asked, as she stepped forward to hug Olivia. Olivia stepped back, her eyes never meeting Casey's eyes.

"I'm alive."

"That is great news," Casey smiled.

"Are we sure about that?" Olivia snapped, her eyes finally meeting Casey's. 

She was still so angry that she hadn't succeeded. 

"You might not be sure if that is a good thing, but it is. There are people back home that love you, so keep fucking fighting or else when you get released, you'll be stuck with me. The biggest bitch of our friend group."