Sincerely

Cincere

Okay. So.

Couldn't eat breakfast. I made it on time, just couldn't stomach it. It looked like someone threw it up anyways.

My first class was fine. Everyone was quiet, we already had assigned seats, and I sit closest to the door. Only person that sits next to me is this one girl. And I don't even know her name or what her voice sounds like.

Second class was fine. A bit more chatty. More assigned seats. I sit near the front next to two guys. They were obviously friends, and they left me alone for the most part. No one looked at me weird.

I'm in third block right now and I'm starting to wonder 2 things.

Either everyone decided that being homophobic fucking blows.

Or everyone forgot who I am. Or forgot that I'm gay (Well I guess that's three things).

And honestly, either or is a win. I could start fresh and not make the mistake of coming out. And not immediately be an outcast and everyone's verbal punching bag like freshman year. Well, I'm not freshman year me anymore, I have way thicker skin. I kind of had to with the shit people have said to me.

I scribble down the rules the teacher has on the board (since we're gonna take a quiz about it later), and doodle on the sides while I think. If everyone just decided to have a change in heart, what was the reason behind it? I mean, when people bullied me they bullied me hard. Hard enough for me to...well, leave I guess. Maybe there's more gay people here, and it became more normalized. Maybe people took inspiration from me and they all came out together to show that there's nothing wrong with being gay. Maybe then everyone decided that they can't bully every gay person, and just decided to leave everyone alone. Yeah, maybe.

I doodle a rainbow and smile to myself. Maybe everything I went through was actually worth something for others that are like me.

"Wait, Sin?"

My blood drained from my face and I froze.

"Sin, is that seriously you?" Someone snorted behind me.

My shoulders fall and I look down at my doodle. Well, it was a nice thought wasn't it? I just wish it could've lasted like, an entire school year longer. Too much to ask for, huh?

I breathe in and turn around to face behind me and forced a smile, "Hey...you. I totally forgot your name, sorry."

Not only was I not sorry, but I also remembered his name. It was Thomas, one of the main people who bullied me. And it's crazy, cause he "acts more gay" than I do. Constantly man handling his friends or smacking their asses or pretending to try and kiss them. He did it even more once he found out I was gay, probably just to mock me. People thought it was hilarious though. I always thought it was really fucking stupid.

Thomas snorted, again, yeah he does that a lot, "No fucking way dude. You really came back to school? This school? For senior year? How fucking dumb can you be?"

A guy next to him that I didn't recognize chuckled, "Probably have been giving head too much. It makes you lose brain cells, you know. That's why it's called giving head."

Giggles started to sprout around the room and Thomas and his friend started laughing. Loud. I didn't even know the guy and he knew about me being gay, huh.

I surprisingly didn't really feel much towards the joke (probably because it was dog shit) or the laughter, or the teacher or anyone else doing literally nothing to stop it. But I can't sit here and expect anyone to step up for me, I have to do that shit myself.

I scratch my head and started chuckling. Thomas and his friend stop and looked at me like I have shit smeared across my face.

"The fuck are you laughing for?" Thomas said through gritted teeth.

"How come I can't laugh? You two and a couple other followers are. Even though the joke made zero sense."

Thomas snarled, "You-"

"Also, totally unrelated question, but how would you know that giving head makes you lose brain cells?" I lean on my side and point to Thomas's friend, who looks like a lost puppy.

He clicks his pen and looks back and forth between Thomas and me, "Who fucking said that you-"

I laugh and cut him off, "Okay okay, well if you're speaking from personal experience then the joke is actually pretty funny."

Thomas stood up and towered over my desk,"Listen faggot, I don't know who the fuck you think you're talking to but-"

I sigh and stand up next to him and look down at him. He's about 5"8 at most, so I'm about half a foot taller than him. Which is fucking hilarious.

I crouch down a bit to get to his level and smile, "Well, you don't have to worry cause I actually wasn't talk to you. I was talking to him." I turn my head to the side to see his friend sitting in his desk, looking away from me and clicking his pen.

"You never answered my question." I say to him.

"Fuck you." he spits at me.

"Lay off." Thomas says, stepping closer to me.

I wink at him, "You first, handsome."

"Hobbes. Wenners. Sit down and be quiet. Lunch will be soon and I don't care what you do then, but stop being loud and disruptive in my classroom." Mrs. Elmer says, not even looking up from her laptop.

I snort and look down at Thomas, who's basically steaming and looks like he's trying to make my head explode with his glare.

"Your last name is wieners?" I snickered.

"Hobbes." Mrs. Elmer says before Thomas can even get a word out.

I sit down as Thomas plops back in his seat, muttering probably every slur he can think of. I stare at my notebook. At my rainbow. I sigh and pick up my pen and tap it against my desk.  Maybe my way of thinking isn't impossible, maybe people can lay off and normalize people like me if they just had someone who could stick up for them. Someone like me.

The bell rings, and put my notebook away and toss my backpack strap over my shoulder. I put my earphones in and head out the door. The second I turn the corner, a hand grabs my shoulder and slams me against a locker. Hard. I wince and look down at a very angry (and short) Thomas. I look him, and don't bother to push him off of me, or resist at all. The last thing I want is to fight or hit him. Or anyone. His little minion is behind him, still looking away from me and clicking his pen.

"Listen Sin," Thomas spits at me, "Don't forget your fucking place. You're an a abomination, a mistake, a sin. And you thinking you're fucking funny talking shit won't change that."

He pushes me back into the locker and starts walking away, his buddy right on his heels.

"If you don't stay in your place, I'll put you in it for you."

Then he turns the next corner. Finally gone.

It's weird. And kinda funny. His words used to feel like acid to me. And it would melt me to the core of my bones.

I put my headphones back in and walk down the hallway, towards the back of the school.

Whatever venom is in Thomas's or anyone's words, I'm pretty sure I'm immune to it.

And god, do I need a smoke break right about now.