Sincerely

Leeon

I throw my bag down beside my bed once I step into my room. I peel my shoes off and set them besides my bag.

And then I sit down on the floor.

And I stare out of my window from across the room.

Once I step in this room my body flushes every emotion I've felt today out of my body so I can sleep and reboot for the next day. I close my eyes and wait for my mind to restart, but it doesn't.

Instead, flashes of Cin in the diner pop up behind my eyelids. The candles, his face when I told him about Lewis, his smile when I showed an ounce of enjoyment.

Such a fucking idiot.

I bring my knees up to my chest and sigh. Every thought, every decision, and every emotion I've felt today lays on my chest and isn't showing any signs of budging. I know it's all waiting for me to sort it out and put it where it belongs instead of waiting for it all to just disappear like I usually do. But looking at it all overwhelms me. It's making my head fucking spin. Too much happened today, too much I didn't expect, too much I didn't make room for, too much that I didn't plan ahead for.

I wonder if Cin feels the same way.

His stupid ass probably feels accomplished for actually getting us to talk again. He's probably celebrating in his room right now. Probably pumping his fists in the air like an idiot, while smoking a blunt and dancing with the smoke flying out of it.

I let myself smile, just for a moment.

I didn't think Sunshine Cincere would be the highlight of my day today. Or ever anymore. But here he is, trying his best to make me happy and comfortable. He probably remembered that it was my birthday before I did. Damn moron never knows how to give up on people.

How to give up on me.

He made me feel seen today. Made me feel special and important. Like today really was my day, and that meant something to him. And that it should mean something to me. He went out of his way to make me happy, and I can't remember the last time anyone has done that for me. I wonder how many other people he does that for. I wonder if they take it for granted or if it barely matters to them. I wonder how much of an impact Cin makes on the people around him.

How much did I miss out on?

What a shit show.

Here I am sitting on my floor, looking out of my window, thinking about a boy I bullied and how happy he made me today when I know damn well I don't deserve it. Yet this warm feeling in my chest of being seen isn't going away. It's more of fading. And once Cin comes back around, it'll recharge again.

I don't deserve to be friends with him. I don't deserve the pleasure of being able to sit here and confidently say that Cin and I are friends. I don't deserve to be forgiven.

I place my hand on my chest and sigh.

I know when this fading feeling goes away, I'm going to want it to come back.

I hear a faint vibration coming from my bag. I hardly react to it until that I realize I gave Cin my number. I fumble for my phone and turn it on. And it's just an email notification.

I scoff and toss my phone across from me.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I can't be disappointed that he didn't text me, it's almost 9 o'clock at night. He's probably busy or asleep or whatever the fuck. There's no time for me to...

I can feel my cheeks start to sting and I stand up and shake my head.

I march into my bathroom and turn of the faucet. I splash water in my face, and the cold water almost slaps some sense into me.

I splash my face once and I see Cin's smile behind my eyelids.

I splash my face again and see the concern in his eyes when he was talking to me.

I splash my face again and I see his disappointed face when he doesn't see me.

I clench my jaw and turn the water off, feeling the water drip off my hair strands and bounce off of my nose and into the sink.

And I breathe some sense into my lungs. Then I blow it right back out.

It's only been one fucking day. It's only been a couple of hours.

I told myself for years that Cin not being in my life was for the best. That it was want I wanted because it was for the best. I saw him as gone forever, and that it had to be that way for the both of us.

And now he's here. Smiling at the fucker who ruined his freshman year.

And I didn't realize how much I really did miss him.

I shake my hair dry and hopefully some unnecessary thoughts landed on the wall along with some water droplets. I go back into my room, grab my phone out of my bag, and flop down on my bed. When I turn on my phone, my face warms when I see that Cin texted me while I was having a pathetic breakdown.

u awake?

I blink and think of a response.

Yeah.

Basic, I fucking know.

sweet. what are u up to?

Getting ready for bed. I respond, even though I'm not even tired.

oh alright, gn :]

Good night.

Way to end the conversation, Leeon.

I stare at our texts for a bit longer before shutting off my phone.

I take off my glasses and set them in my glasses case, then I do my nightly routine of staring up at the ceiling.

He's really trying, I'll give him that.

Even though he shouldn't be.