Sincerely

Leeon

"Okay, I know you've talked about this before, and I know you hate repeating yourself-"

I scoff and throw my pencil down, "Okay, whatever just forget it."

"Calm down, I just don't understand what the issue is."

I stare down at my biology notes and sigh, "I don't understand what the issue is either."

My brother sighs as well, much more exasperated than me,"Then how do you expect me to understand if you don't understand it yourself?"

"I don't-" I bite back my harsh tone and try again, softer this time,"I don't expect you to understand, I just want you to just...I don't know."

I look up towards my phone and see my brother staring at me through it. He looks tired and almost bothered. I clench my teeth and look away. I'm already starting to regret calling him, I knew he wouldn't get it but I didn't have anyone else to talk to.  And now I just feel like I'm wasting his time when he could be doing something more important. Like...I don't know. He really doesn't do much.

"I want to help," He says patiently, "But you're not really telling me how everything is making you feel. You're just saying how everything is going.  And it sounds normal to me, I don't understand why you're losing your shit."

"I'm not losing my shit Lewis, I just hate unexpected shit and I didn't fucking expect this, okay?" My voice comes out sharper than I intended.

"Okay, okay," He sounds defeated, " You're making this more difficult than it needs to be."

My face heats up and I stand up from my desk, "I know that. It's my fucking fault in the first place. I just don't want to deal with this right now."

Lewis is silent for a moment, "You can't choose when you have to deal with karma."

I stare at him, "Karma? Really?"

He takes a sip out of an energy drink, "Yes, karma. You said that it's your fault, and yeah, you're right. You made a fucked up decision and the world isn't gonna just let you go on with your life with no damage in return."

I clench my fist, "No damage? I fucking lost my best friend. That's probably the worst damage I felt in my entire fucking life, second to-"

I trail off and we both go silent. Bile rises in my throat and Lewis speaks before my eyes start to water.

"You lost your best friend cause of your actions Leeon."

"I didn't fucking want to." I spat. I know I sound like an angry toddler, but I don't care.

"It's still your actions. You have to take accountability for that." He's trying to sound patient, I can tell.

"I fucking know that. That doesn't mean that I didn't deal with any damage because of it. The damage I dealt with wasn't nothing Lewis, it still fucking hurt!"

"Leeon-"

"I don't want to be responsible for the damage that I have to fucking deal with! Cause then every time I'm miserable I won't be able to blame anyone but myself!"

Lewis goes silent and I don't dare look at him. My voice goes to harsh whisper, "He gets to blame someone. He get's to blame me for the hurt he has to deal with. I don't have anyone to blame or anyone to hate except for myself. Cause it's my fucking fault. I wish I had the luxury to blame all of my problems on someone else."

I know I sound selfish. I know I'm probably not making any fucking sense, but that's the first time I said what I was feeling out loud.  And as messed up as it sounds, it's the truth.  A truth that I don't think anyone would side with. Not even my brother.