Sincerely

Leeon

"Wait!"

Cin stops and looks up from the spider on the ground to look at me. "Huh? What's wrong Lee?"

I hesitated, I don't know why. I didn't want him to kill it. It was outside, we're in their territory, they're just living their life and we're invading them. There's no reason it should die. But saying that out loud sounds so stupid.  And I don't want him to think I'm the weird annoying kid everyone else sees me as.

"You'll...get spider guts all over your shoe. And that's gross." I murmured while picking at the grass around me.

Cincere giggles and my stomach dances a bit, "The bottom of my shoe isn't all over my shoe, dummy."

"I'm not a dummy. Just leave the spider alone dude, seriously." My voice gets harsher than I expected it to. But I stick to it and stare at Cin really seriously, so he knows I'm not playing around.

Cin looks at me with concerned eyes, and my hard expression melts away, "Just...leave it be. There's no reason to kill it."

Cin shrugs and plops down next to me, "Alright dude, whatever you want."

We sit in silence for a bit. It's comfortable, and kinda warm. I braid the grass blades together, and Cin lays down in the grass next to me.

I stare at him, "Cin, ew you're gonna get dirt in your hair."

He smiles and grabs my arm, "Lay with me, the sky is pretty."

Cin pulls me down next to him, and I don't really resist. We stare up through the leaves from the trees above us, and up at clouds. The sky wasn't really that pretty, but I didn't mind. I look over at Cin and he's already looking at me. My face slightly heats up and I look back towards the sky.

"Why are you staring at me like a weirdo?" I pull a blade of grass from it's root.

"Why didn't you want me to kill the spider?" His voice is soft. 

"Because it didn't need to die!" I blurt out. I look at him and try to defuse, "It's just...outside. Living it's life.  And we're in their home. It didn't do anything wrong, it's not gonna hurt anyone and-"

Cin laughs and I blush and bite my bottom lip.

"Dude, you don't have to sound so embarrassed. It's okay, I like that you care about small stuff like that."

"I wish more people did. It might seem small but life is life. Nothing deserves to die."

"Not even serial killers?" Cin sits up and looks at me.

I sit up and sigh, "Not even serial killers. They deserve to rot until they die."

Cin laughs and elbows my arm. I elbow him back and giggle. He was like a ray of sunshine. I don't know why he likes to be around me, since all I ever do is ruin the fun. Cin likes to break stuff or steal the teachers markers so she can't write on the board, or clog the toilets with toilet paper, just for fun.  And I read books about bugs during recess. Well, I did, until I met Cin. Just sitting with him in the grass and staring at boring (I mean, pretty) stratus clouds and talking about everything and nothing for me is equivalent to him going full speed on the "spinny thingy" on the playground. I know he loves to go on there, and yet he's sitting here with me. Talking about something as small as bugs.

It's hard to believe he even enjoys being around me, but he goes out of his way everyday just to make sure I'm not as irritated as I usually would be if he wasn't around. People like Cin, and someone always wants to play with him, but when he's around me he turns them down.  And even when I assure him that he can play with whoever he wants, he insists on staying with me.  And I never understand it.  And sometimes I hate him for it.

I don't know if I hate him cause I wish everyone liked me like how everyone likes him. Or I hate him because he's wasting his time with me when he could be doing something better. Or I hate him because he's good at everything and he's always happy and always bringing up people around him and always knows how to have fun and to be loose. Or I hate him because of how careless he is and how I have to bring bandaids every day for him skinning his knees since he likes my dinosaur ones. Or I hate him for always having such a bright smile, or how he grabs my hand every time he wants to show me something, or how interested he is when I talk about nature and animals and even asks questions. Or how out of everyone in the whole world, he's the only one that can make me smile on my bad days and how I hate it when he can't be there to help me feel better.  And I hate that he does that to me. I hate how people hate me cause I'm taking their Sunshine Cincere away from them. And I hate that I like that Cin would rather chose me, when I know all I ever do is hold him back.

I know he would be better off without me...I know that I'm-

"Hey Lee!" Cin calls for me, and I look up from my thoughts that I've braided into the grass.

"C'mere dummy, I need your smarts for something." He waves me over, grinning and beaming. Like an idiot.

I dust off my jeans and walk over to him. Once I get next to him, I see that he's staring intensely at a tree trunk. I huff and kneel down beside to him.

"What're you looking at?" I ask, scanning the tree.

"That! Right there! You see it right?" I squint towards where he's pointing, "It's kinda blended in but it looks so cool! Do you know what kind of bug it is?"

I stare at the bug and roll my eyes, "Cin, that's just a praying mantis."

"Really?" Cin looks at me, his eyes glowing with excitement.

"Yeah, um you can hold it if you want. It should be fine, it won't bite you or anything."

"Wahhhh so cool!" he reaches out to pick up the mantis but then he hesitates and retracts his hand.

"What's wrong?" I ask. It's rare to see him hesitate when it comes to anything.

He looks at me sheepishly, "Could you maybe pick it up first? I don't wanna hurt it."

He smiled softly at me, and my face bloomed with warmth. He actually cared about hurting it. Was it cause of me? Would he care if I wasn't here?

Why should I even care?

I bite my bottom lip, "Uh, yeah. Sure."

I carefully pick up the praying mantis, and gently pass it over to Cin's cupped hands. When I hand it to him, he keeps his hands on mine. My fingertips buzz.

Why do I care? Why did I notice that?

He stares at our praying mantis, happiness and excitement plastered all over his stupid face. I hate it. I hate how happy he is just to stare at a dumb bug. I hate how the heat in my fingertips is inching up my hands and to my face. It's not even that warm outside. It's not even that big of a deal.

Cin looks up from our hands and looks at me, and his excitement quickly turned smug.

"Hey, why are you staring at me like a weirdo?"

I look down at the mantis and pull my hands away, "Shut up, Cin."

...

                                                                            I braid my thoughts into the grass while my cheeks steam from my stupid fucking tears.

I hate him. I fucking hate him. 

The bell rings, and people start to spill outside. I quickly wipe my face with my sleeve.

I always have hated him.

I always have.