the summer camp of 2012

14. field trip [l]

yesterday was possibly one of the worst days of my life. the entire day i had been avoiding mark and marco. every time i see them, all i could think of is what he did to me. i do not want to relive those memories, and i wouldn't wish this type of pain on anyone, not even my worst enemies.

today, we will all be going to the local fair near the boardwalk in santa monica. we will be staying there for two days, one night. it's around a 3 hour ride on the tourbus. each group will be accompanied with an adult as well as the camp councillors assigned. 

meet up time was at 8. i glanced over to the digital clock on the shelf near the front door: 7:47. i grabbed a crossbody bag and started packing some stuff into it, an extra shirt, gum, deodorant, all that. i went to grab new sets of clothes when i saw mila taking something out which seems like a burner phone. 

"wow." i said as i stood there with my arms crossed. she quickly shoved it into her bag and spun around. "what..?" she tried to act normal. "i saw it. the phone." a small chuckle escaped as i sat down on my bed. her eyes widened as her cheeks flushed, "you better not tell anyone. i mean it." i rolled my eyes, "yeah, yeah, whatever."

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around 8:05am, me and my team gathered up with the kids in our group. francis started taking attendance with the kids as we loaded their bags onto the bus. i approached kayley as i remembered what i had said yesterday. "hey, i'm sorry for yesterday." i tried to avoid her eyes. she stood there looking at me, expecting me to go on. "i, uh, lashed out and i shouldn't have taken it out on you." she let out a sigh, "it's okay. i was just afraid you were mad at me." "no, i would never be mad at anyone for asking if i'm okay." i tried to smile. she gave me a pat on my shoulder then she continued to load the bags with mila. 

the tour bus started at approximately 8:15. i was stuck with mila for the entirety of the ride, great. as she scooted into her seat next to the window, her bag hits me in the face. after she sat down, she turned to me with a smug look, "oops." i rolled my eyes and just stared into space. 

an hour into the bus ride, i had already switched seats with her. she wanted to sit on the outside so she could talk to kayley and francis because i was "boring her". pfft. suddenly, out of nowhere, i heard someone retch and throw up. we quickly turned our heads to see it was mark. my heart dropped to my stomach as i nudged mila in the elbows. she turned to look for help from francis and kayley, but they had fallen asleep. we turned to the adult on the bus with us for help, but she was also asleep. great.

"come on," she practically yanked me up. "let's go clean him up." i stopped in my tracks, "i, uh." i wanted to say something about me having a phobia of vomit, or something, just so i don't have to be in close contact with him. i watched, standing up, in my seat as she grabbed cleaning supplies from the front of the bus. "what are you, a pussy?" 

i took a deep breath, and followed after her to the back of the bus. she bent down to talk to mark as i began cleaning the vomit. i could feel my hands trembling as i sprayed the disinfectant onto the rubbery floors of the bus. the smell was horrendous, but nothing could beat the fear and panic i had in my heart. i gathered the trash into a plastic bag as mila helped him throw away his old clothes and changed his clothes. after a good five minutes, we sprayed some sort disinfectant into the air so the bus doesn't smell like vomit. we also opened the windows for them. 

right before we returned to our seats, mark tugged me by my shirt. i was so taken aback that i yanked myself away from him, stumbling between the rows of seats. my first instinct was to back away, but something inside me told me to stay. i had to get over what happened last year, and maybe this could be my first step. 

"buggy?" he looked up to me. buggy. my stomach dropped when i heard this name. i haven't heard it in so long that it almost sounded fake to me. "why didn't you come around anymore?" he asked with a somewhat sad expression. the flashbacks started as i remembered how close i used to be with them. i shook them off as i stood there not knowing what to say. if i had told him what his brother had done to me, he would never look at him the same way again, and i couldn't do that.