the summer camp of 2012

20. dark night - roles reversed [l]

i sat outside the backroom against the door waiting. i'm not exactly sure what i'm waiting for, whether it's mila or to apologise. i can't even think straight since a billion thoughts are running through my head right now. 

i heard footsteps approaching the door on the other side so i sprung up. i heard the door click and the handle slowly turned. francis stuck her head out, walked out and closed the door behind her. 

"is she okay? what happened?" i tried to ask for answers. she folded her arms in front of her chest. "she won't tell us anything. all we know is she had a panic attack. she's getting the rest of the day off in the cabin, so don't go back until dismissal." 

panic attack? 

"but why-" "look, if you really want to know, ask her directly. i don't think she wants to talk to you right now, though." 

she reached for the door again, "now can you please leave? she won't leave the room until you're gone." 

until i'm gone? 

the whole day i couldn't focus or think straight. i was assigned to monitor the arts and crafts cabin, but the guilt was slowly eating me up, and i couldn't even hand over a pair of scissors to someone without being called on at least twice. 

dismissal eventually came, and i made my way back to the cabin. i stood outside the door for a bit. should i go in? does she want to see me? i continued to stand outside as it grew quieter outside. i could hear her talking and the bathroom lights were on.

she was on her burner phone with her dad. it seemed like she was trying not to cry, telling him about today. i felt so sorry my heart physically ached for her. i really am a fuckup. 

i gently pushed the door open moments after she ended the call. she raised her head above her sheets, and pulled it over her head when she saw me walk in. i dropped my bag on the floor, thinking of what to say to her. 

"i'm sorry mila, i really am." i stood between our beds, facing her. well, her sheets actually. with no response from her, i continued. "i shouldn't have shut you off and lashed out. to be honest, i was more embarrassed than scared. my intention was never to hurt you."

i kneeled against her bed and slowly uncovered the sheets from her head. her eyes were red and glossy from crying all day, and seeing that felt like a punch to the gut. 

she wiped her tears with her soaked sleeve and sat up. legs tucked in, she finally said something. "i'm not only crying because of you, but also because of something else back home. don't feel too bad, you sound like a loser apologising." 

a grin escaped my lips. she turned to me, our eyes meeting on the same level. "please don't ever yell at me again." she said quietly. "i won't, i'm sorry." we were so close that my eyes fell onto her lips. it was paler than before. 

i gently placed my hand over her forehead. "oh my god, mila, you're burning up." she sniffled, "but i'm cold." 

"wait here, i'll go over to the nurse's office to get you tylenol." she nodded as she slowly went into her covers again. 

i returned to the cabin and gave her the pills. she took it, then tugged me by my pants. 

"i'm cold." she managed. i then picked up my blankets and dumped them on her. "let me sleep with you." her eyes widened, but then turned to her side as i tucked in beside her. 

"you're so warm, lucas." she said quietly as she wrapped her arms around my waist. 

i could feel my heart rate pick up and my breathing fastening. she must be really, really sick. 

"you need to take your tylenol." i reached for the pill and bottle of water i got her earlier. i propped up my body then held up her head to feed her the pill. she took the pill and went back into her sheets. i laid next to her, staring off into the ceiling. it was really quiet and peaceful, with dimly lit lights shining from the bathroom and occasional animal noises in the background. i remember my last thought before finally drifting off to sleep was seeing my bed and wondering why i wasn't there.