𝐋𝐢𝐚𝐫, 𝐋𝐢𝐚𝐫 | 𝐉𝐉 𝐌𝐚𝐲𝐛𝐚𝐧𝐤

47. inconvenient tides.

F O R T Y - S E V E N
inconvenient tides.

*Just a really quick note. If you've been depressed, you know one symptom is self-sabotage; you push away the ones you love because you don't think you deserve them. it's not you being a bitch, it's you being sick. And it's always more complicated than meets the eye. Anyway, just keep that in mind. Have a good day <3

I was an anxious kid.

I overthought everything—whether it was if I should wear short socks or long socks, or if my hair should be in a bunch or plaits, or if my teacher wanted me to be set on fire. Everything.

Eventually, the anxiety turned into a sadness that weighed down my bones. It felt like I was being pulled down into hell while still living and breathing. Every cell and fibre of my being seemed to be dying. I was so sad that I lost energy for even the most basic acts a human is supposed to do.

So, after my doctor told me that if I went on a hot-girl/mental health walk, it would fix all of my problems, and yet it did fuck all, he put me on the chemicals that would make my brain not want to self destruct with everything inside it. They made the world a little brighter. I don't know what would've happened if I got that prescription even a month later, I really was at the end of my rope.

It started with half a pill once a day, then it got doubled to a whole pill, then it got doubled to one in the morning and one in the evening. And I've been on those for over two years. Taking one in the morning and one in the evening religiously, because I never wanted to feel that way ever, ever again. That's what it took for me not to think about throwing myself in front of a bus every day.

I don't know if I have to tell you this, but there is no chemist on this island. And I didn't pack pills for my abduction. So I have no pills, and I want to throw myself in front of a bus.

It's been weeks without them, I feel like I have a rain cloud that hovers over my head every second of every day. I don't know if I've ever felt this worn down and helpless; it's gone beyond sadness. I wish I were just sad. All of my hope was wrapped up in the hope for saviour, but as that dwindled, so did my hope and happiness.

My life seems to have drained of all colour. Everything is simply too much. I don't even feel like myself, a person I was only beginning to be able to discover. I feel like a shell of a person at best, and a zombie at worst. I'm doing stuff to survive because I'm almost being forced to, not because of any desire to see tomorrow.

One month, that's a really long time.

Golden sunsets, warm sea, fresh food, an entire island to explore and friends. All together. For one month. What's not to love?

But, there's life beyond the little slice of paradise we managed to strand ourselves on. Life that includes people who care about the people on this island. And, I'm sure one month with absolutely no clue where they are feels like an eternity. My brother misses one of my phone calls, and I'm already mentally planning what I'm going to say at his funeral.

Not everyone in Poguelandia, as JJ insisted on calling it, have people who are going to be shitting themselves not knowing where we are. So, for them, this is a win-win deal. No police, school, jobs, none of that shit we have to do in the real world.