𝐋𝐢𝐚𝐫, 𝐋𝐢𝐚𝐫 | 𝐉𝐉 𝐌𝐚𝐲𝐛𝐚𝐧𝐤

81. a human fleshlight.

E I G H T Y - O N E
a human fleshlight.

Dear Buddy Boy,

To say life as of late has been anything short of utter insanity would be a vast understatement. It's been hectic and chaotic. If I'm being honest, I don't really know what is happening half the time haha. I do a lot of nodding and 'yeah, totally' while not understanding a thing.

It's been a roller-coaster; there have been some really low lows (kinda goes with the territory of getting stranded and all that.) And some really high highs. It seems to be never-ending, every minute is something different, and things change so quickly. I think I have whiplash.

The only part of this whole experience that has made it bearable is the people I'm going through it with.

Before this, I felt so alone. The majority of my life was spent with a man I despised but was desperately trying to convince myself I loved. Now I have a group of people who are like family. Going through this without you all would've been impossible.

But you, JJ, you are a different case.

You're the opposite of Rafe in just about every aspect. While I hated Rafe and tried convincing myself I liked him, I liked you and tried convincing myself I hated you. (Didn't work, by the way.) I still hate Rafe, and I still like you. And love you.

I don't exactly know where I would be without you, but I know it would be nowhere good.

We've managed to build something on the ground that most people's relationships crumble irreparably. It hasn't been easy, you lied about kissing Kie, and I got horrifically depressed. But right now we sleep in the same bed, and I'm going to convince myself to tell you I love you again.

I do love you, by the way. Because if you're reading this, I won't get to tell you anymore. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so I've decided written words are just as good as spoken ones.

I love you. Kinda. Probably. Maybe. A lot.

In this roller-coaster, we've managed to get ourselves on we haven't made many friends along the way (except Cleo, I love Cleo more than I love you.) And we have made a ton of enemies. Ward, Rafe and Singh, to name the big players, there are definitely others.

It's kinda like Scooby Doo, we're the meddling kids messing with the criminals. I haven't seen that show in years, I don't know if that applies. And we're also criminals, so I don't think it applies.

Side note: The fact that the two people who played Daphne and Fred are together in real life makes me so happy.

Now I'll get back on track.

Lots of people want us dead.

That's why I'm writing this. I know you hate when I go all "my death is imminent", but you don't know what's going to happen. So for my peace of mind, I'm writing this, putting down all my thoughts and feelings into a letter. I want you to remember things even if I'm not here to tell you.

Since I learned how to write, I began writing down moments that made me feel lucky, or happy or excited. And whenever life got shit, I'd look at those and remember there are silver linings. Or rainbow linings. You may be asking yourself why the fuck you'd care about that. To answer that question, I pose to you a few moments I wrote down since meeting you. If I croak, I want you to have these. If you're feeling shit, these could help. Or not. It's the thought that counts.