𝐋𝐢𝐚𝐫, 𝐋𝐢𝐚𝐫 | 𝐉𝐉 𝐌𝐚𝐲𝐛𝐚𝐧𝐤

57. take your clothes off.

F I F T Y - S E V E N
take your clothes off.

I often find myself wondering if I am enough. 

Am I funny enough, pretty enough, smart enough, kind enough? The answer is no, you can never be truly enough. No one fills all the cups, because you don't have enough water. If you evenly distribute your water, then you're mediocre; if you dump it all in one or two glasses, you're one-note. It's crippling, and makes me want to dump all my water on the ground and accept that it's impossible to balance.

Sure, some people have more water; they can fill more cups, but you can't fill them all. No one is that lucky.

Perhaps the way I distributed my water wasn't enough for JJ. I got the measurements wrong, and I changed the delicate formula. I thought I was enough, that the way I poured my water between my cups was good enough for him. I thought I found the person who actually liked who I was for what I am, who didn't want to bend me, or make me pour my metaphorical water differently.

He made me feel funny enough, pretty enough, smart enough and kind enough. And no one had ever made me feel that way. It was like he truly saw who I was, he looked passed Frankie, and saw Mabel, the better version of me.

I thought he saw me the way I see him, the balance of his water is perfect for me. He's funny, hot, a nice amount of dumb, and he's kind. Kind to me at least.  Not to mention patient.

But he doesn't. Perhaps I'm not what he wants, maybe I got all my measurements wrong. And he finally threw in the towel of pretending. And either Kie is enough, or Kie was the next choice, but either way, she is better than I am.

The realisation is awful. Call me young and naive, but I thought it was the real deal. A type of love that sticks longer than high school, extends beyond college, a type of love that brings you to the end of the line. Maybe I'm jaded; my past relationship was so awful that a taste of something good gave me rose-tinted glasses.

Walking along the pier, finally back in the Outer Banks, I can feel JJ walk beside me. He stared at me the entire night, and I ignored him.

I also didn't tell Sarah. Just because he fucked up with me, doesn't mean everyone should know. I don't want people to be pissed at him. JJ needs as many people on his side as he can get.

"Mabel," he begs. "Please, just talk to me for a few seconds." Against my better judgment, I stop walking and turn to look at him. He looks a mixture of surprised and relieved that I turned to look at him. "Is it really over? Like really, really over. No turning back, you hate me forever over?"

"I don't hate you."

"You don't?" He sounds shocked.

"No, you're not a bad person, JJ. And you haven't done anything that warrants hatred. Look, I don't know if it's a no turning back kind of over, because I need to sort my head out. I think we both need to figure out what we need, and if that isn't each other, then there's no point torturing ourselves in something that's going to fail," I tell him honestly.

Making rash decisions that can't be taken back isn't what's needed right now. I don't want to tell him I never want to see him again and that I hate him with everything inside of me, because I don't. He fucked up. He will continue to fuck up. Because he's a human.

I'm not perfect, I've done shitty things. But I don't deserve someone ripping me to shreds and setting me on fire.

He lied to me, he didn't mow my grandma over in a four-by-four. Although that would be impressive, considering she's very dead.

"I can work with that," he smiles. "I can figure that out."

I smile back at him, "I'll talk to you later, don't do anything stupid," I say before walking off, toward my house.