Her eyes flew open, her hand grabbing her chest as if to help her breathe. She's sweating and cursing below her breath in Russian. She was alone to deal with her nightmare, again. There was no Maria to guide her through it, no Maria to tell her she was safe and that it wasn't her fault. There was so much red just dripping out off her ledger, oozing down onto a crimson puddle on the floor following her everywhere she went. She missed Ria, but it was her fault that she left after all.
Natasha was cold and mean and pushed everyone away, she somehow convinced herself she'd never do it to Maria. Maria was special. She was hers. She'd never hurt her. But that's exactly what she did. And, now, she hadn't seen Mia in a week since their fight.
A WEEK AGO
It was tense in their apartment, the summer heat was not helping. Anger rising to the ceiling, not being able to escape and so, in return, filling out the room. Usually they'd fight and the next day they'd make up. That is how they worked, but neither of them attempted to apologise. Their wounds still fresh. Too bloody. Maria was sick off walking on egg shells around Natasha, worried she'd just snap at her. She didn't blame Natasha for the way she was, it was drilled into her. But it didn't stop Mia from hoping Nat would be different when it came to her. And, Nat could be so nice, so funny and so god damn loving! That was the Nat she felt safe around. When Nat was sad she didn't hide away from her, Maria helped her. Held onto her and kissed her until she felt like herself again. Happy and sad Nat weren't her problem. It was angry Natasha, frustrated Natasha, cruel Natasha. That Natasha was relentless, harmful and spiteful when she was angry.
That is what started this fight. Angry Natasha.
"Nat" Maria stated pathetically, all fight she had left was running low. Natasha could see it. Natasha walked over to her, wrapping her arms around Mia and kissing her head. Nuzzling her nose against Mia's cheek. She was warm and so sweet, and Maria nearly fell for it. Very nearly gave in to kind Nat, but she knew if they didn't sort this now cruel Natasha would be back in a matter of time. Her wife needed help. "No Nat, stop, stop it" Maria pulled away out of her arms, away from the warmth that was lulling her into a fake security. Natasha tensed up, She wasn't getting her own way, she was mad.
"What" she snapped bluntly, annoyed that Maria did not accept her comfort. The comfort she usually craved.
"Nat, you need help." Maria was honest. She stood her ground. Natasha laughed in her face, Maria felt sick.
"I'm serious" and she was, with every bone in her body she meant it. She wouldn't stay with someone who kept hurting her. She glared into Natasha's forest green eyes, Maria Hill was in commander mode. Anything she said was going to be the cold and bitter truth. Natasha felt a chill overcome her. There was no escaping this.
"Oh, you're serious?" She questioned sarcastically, Maria nodded. Natasha laughed in her face again, she was truly losing it. But what could she do? She might as well burn it all down to the ground.
"Nat" Maria started,
"No" Natasha's walls were up.
"Please" she would beg if she had to, anything to help her wife. Anything to make her healthy again.
"Drop it!" Natasha threw her hands in the air before wrapping them around her own chest to comfort herself. Rocking herself back and forth soothingly. Maria knew what she was doing, she knew Natasha Romanoff-Hill far too well.
"If you don't I will leave."
"you wouldn't." Natasha had attempted to come across as strong but it came out weak and unsure.
"Natasha, please."
"God Maria, you're so fucking annoying sometimes. Just stop acting like a child with daddy issues! Just because your father treated you like shit, doesn't mean you can take all that anger out on me." Too far. Maria knew Natasha threw things in her face when she was scared, she wanted to take the spot light off herself, but she doing it the wrong way. Maria bit her lip, she wasn't going to play this game. Not again. She was tired. She had had enough.
"Nat, that's not fair or true." she shook her head.
"Just go to bed, we'll be fine in the morning." she advanced to Maria wanting to hold her or seduce her. Anything to stop them from fighting over this. Natasha never thought she'd stoop that low again, especially not on her own wife. But, Maria was greater than that. She knew sex would not be able to fix this.
"I'm leaving." she said patiently, giving Natasha time to absorb the information. She didn't want to leave the other woman distressed as well as alone.
"Stop it Maria!" but she didn't stop, she grabbed her jacket and went to grab her car keys, Natasha grabbed he wrist. Holding on to it tightly, Maria flinched her eyes screaming up at Natasha, this was new. Natasha read the fear in Mia's eyes and dropped her wrist moments later and began to apologise profusely. She would never hurt Maria. That wasn't like her. And yet, as Maria looked into her wife's eyes she wasn't seeing love. She was seeing abuse, the same look her father held in his own.
"Mia, I'm sorry. Please stay, I didn't mean to, I'm sorry, my love" Her eyes were watery, she was going to cry any minute and if she did then Maria wouldn't be able to leave her.
"Will you get help?" she asked again, giving her one last chance. Maria was met with silence. She offered Natasha a kind sympathetic smile, before grabbing the door handle "I'll be staying at Sharon's" and she left Natasha alone. The door shutting gently behind her.
Natasha stood in the empty apartment, what had she done?
PRESENT DAY
Two weeks had past now, Natasha was yet to have a goodnight sleep. She couldn't sleep without Masha. Ever since their first night together all those years ago, she needed her to feel safe, to hold her tight. To keep her safe. She loved her. Still loves her.
Maria wouldn't answer any of her messages. Natasha had grown angrier, was she still staying at Sharon's? They were only friends, she knew that but at night her mind couldn't help but go to dark places. Are they fucking? Was something going on between them? She shouted at herself to silence her thoughts. Maria would never.
She couldn't do it anymore, this loneliness was eating her up alive. She snatched her phone off the kitchen counter and a Vodka bottle to keep her company. She tried to ring Maria but it went through to voice mail. She hit the text button, typing quickly before she changed her mind.
The message read out: I'll get help, but please come home.
She knew Maria would ignore her, but she would get help regardless. She'd do anything to get Maria back, but that didn't stop her from having one last drink until she sorted herself out. An hour had passed, and she was passed out on the kitchen floor. An empty bottle next to her, and Liho keeping her company curled up near her feet.
The lock on the door began to rattle and Natasha jolted up right, she was drunk but she was still an assassin. She grabbed a knife from the counter, albeit a bit sloppily in her drunken state, and hid on the other side of the counter. Waiting for the intruder.
She jumped out and was hit directly in face and then kicked in the knee falling to the ground. What the fuck?
"Natasha, oh my god, are you okay? I'm sorry. You just jumped out at me and I didn't see your face" Maria cradled her in her arms, kissing her better. Natasha looked up at her pleadingly. She looked tired and broken,
" 'm missed you" She was crying and Maria began to wonder if Nat lied to get her back home. She had assessed the room and seen the bottle and heard Nat's slurred speech, she planned to help her drunken wife back into bed and then leave again. But Natasha stopped her, she saw that old analysing look in Maria's eyes, she knew her wife was calculating every possible scenario that would play out, but Natasha surprised her.
"Mia, no, I'll get help. First thing tomorrow, Masha please. I promise" She grabbed onto her tightly, anxious she'd be alone again any second. Maria's features softened, she stroked her wife's hair and then pulled her up to stand her own feet.
"Come on, Natty, let's go to bed. We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow."
