"why?" her voice croaked silently, was she going to cry? She didn't know why Natasha kept pushing her away. She looked defeated, her big brown eyes became difficult to see through. Her tears obstructing her own vision. Maria Hill had never felt so small, her shoulders hunched over, her hand clutching the beer bottle she had snatched of Natasha. Sick of her drinking. She stared at Natasha, waiting hopelessly for an answer. She was greeted with silence.
Maria shook her head as if she understood what Natasha's silence meant, but if she was to be honest with herself she didn't understand Natasha at all these days.
"Just do what you want Nat, I don't care. The door is there" Maria pointed at the door, refusing to look at it. Choosing to stare Natasha down, to demonstrate that she won't allow Nat to hurt her feelings anymore. Her tears had stopped spilling, only tear streaks against her cheeks portrayed her pain. Why couldn't it ever be simple?
Natasha shifted awkwardly from foot to foot, a habitual trait her body was used to. Changing balance from side to side often soothed her, but today it wasn't working.
"fine" Natasha scoffed, Maria felt sick at Natasha's lack of heart. Natasha's lack of feeling. Natasha's lack of? well, her lack of love. They'd spent a year doing this, fucking, fighting, crying, pretending it didn't matter. But, It did matter. It had always mattered. Maria was sick of Natasha loving her one minute and then in times like these where Maria wishes to see Nat's vulnerability all of a sudden Natasha feels nothing. How did she just turn it off like that? It didn't matter anymore, Maria was done with it.
"it's not fine" Maria sighed, pinching herself on the bridge of her nose as if to ground herself.
"let's just go back to bed, baby." Natasha knew what she was doing, she'd make Maria swoon and ignore their argument. She'd seduce her, make her forget.
"please, don't" Maria glared at her.
"baby. come here, it's okay. I've got you" Natasha whispered in a sweet voice, under any other circumstance it may have worked but Maria was fed up on Natasha changing and changing over and over again. She felt as if she'd never get to know the real Natasha. Hell, Nat had shown her five different personalities in the span of five hours. Sweet Natasha, Angry Natasha, needy Natasha, sociopathic Natasha and now loving Natasha.
"please Nat, please" Maria bargained with her, "stop the act, please"
"Masha, I'm not acting" she replied in a short clipped tone.
"just let me help you" Maria whispered, Natasha shook her head. "Natty, just tell me so I can help you. So you can stop acting like this. I know something is wrong, you don't have to push me away".
Natasha felt defeated, she was too tired. For god sake she was supposed to be stronger than this, could she really open herself up to Maria? It would go against every cell in her body, against everything the Red Room had ever taught her. Love is weakness. Love was weakness? Love is for children. Love was for children?
"Okay" she replied, her voice hesitant. Natasha crossed the distance of the room, sitting next to Maria on the sofa. Staring into her icey eyes, looking for reassurance. She knew Maria wouldn't judge her, she had to tell her. It was time. "Ask me again" she spoke up, Maria simply raised an eyebrow. What was Natasha trying to do?
"Why" Maria asked, repeating herself from earlier. "Why are you pushing me away?"
"Because" she paused, taking in a deep steady breath. "Because I love you, and I cannot give you what you deserve"
Maria's heart flipped, she swiftly grabbed Natasha's hands and began to stroke them with her thumb lovingly. "I love you too, Natty. You've given me everything, I don't need everything else. You're my everything."
"no" Natasha sobbed. "No, I am not."
"No?" Maria questioned, confused.
"I can't give you a family - a child" Natasha's eyes were watering now.
"Nat, you do know we're lesbians right? I know you can't, we kinda need a man for that silly. Then we can have a child, if we choose to that it. It's still early days Natty. she'll have beautiful red hair like you" Maria laughed.
"No Maria, you're not listening to me. I can't give you a child!" Natasha said a little bit louder this time, Maria was still confused.
"Maria, I can't have children. I'm, I'm - I was steralised" she finally told her the truth, the reason why she was pushing her away. The reason she wanted to run, she wasn't good enough. She was broken. Her own body was broken.
Maria didn't know what to say, so she did what simply felt natural.
"Come here" Maria spoke kindly, opening her arms wide allowing Natasha to take the comfort she was offering her. Natasha continued to sob into her lovers arms as Maria stroked her hair.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry" Natasha kept mumbling, Maria rocked them back and forth telling her it was okay, that she was sorry and that she loved her no less. Maria knew they'd have to have this conversation again, in more detail. She needed Natasha to get help, to talk to a specialist about her childhood trauma. But for now, all Natasha needed was her love.
"Natty, It's not your fault. It's okay, I love you, you're not broken. You're my everything and nothing will ever change that. if we ever want a family in the future we can figure that out later. We can adopt or I can carry. Either way our little girl or boy will be both of ours regardless of whose DNA was used or who carried. I love you, you're the only one I will ever love and the only one I know who will be an excellent mother" Maria kissed the top of Natasha's head. Lulling her into a warm sleep.
Natasha felt safe and unburdened.
