Hello, this one shot will be dealing with themes of sexual assault. I decided to dull this story down a lot, I hope to one day write it in detail. However due to my own experiences, I am not ready for that yet. If that is triggering to you, I advise you skip this chapter.
Maria had always described Natasha as messy. It was just a joke, a simple word she meant in awe of her girlfriend because it was true Natasha was a hot mess. She was constantly late for everything, always forgetting to put her clothes in the laundry basket and clear up after she'd eaten. Maria had gotten used to us. Her girlfriend was chaotic and she loved her too much to care.
Maria, however, did not know why Natasha was this way entirely. She knew Natasha knew how to look after herself, she took long extensive showers and her hair was always neatly braided or tied up: She rarely ever wore it down. Maria assumed that it was for practical reasons, having long hair on missions can get in the way but Natasha also wore it up when she wasn't working.
She wasn't aware that Natasha spent so long in the shower in order to try and scrub her past away, to scrub their hands away. She braided her hair, so no one could pull and yank at it to control her. But she also didn't cut it off, she wasn't ready to let her grief go.
Maria gave it no thought, well not until she went to grab Nat's hair during sex and found herself pinned to the floor by a terrified Russian assassin with a very void and distant look in her eyes. Maria was stuck underneath her, hands on her wrists pressing harshly to keep her down. There was nothing sexual about it. Maria was concerned and beyond confused. She just let Nat do whatever it was she was doing, staring into her soul. Burning a hole into her forehead. "Nat!" Maria called out to snap the woman out of it, "Natasha!" there was still no response, so she tried something risky. "Natalia Romonova!" she shouted up at her Nat. Natasha's pupils dilated in fear, she immediately got off Hill and scrambled backwards onto her hands. Maria was terrified, this had never happened before. They'd only be dating a few months, but Maria never saw Natasha like this. She pulled a S.H.I.E.L.D issued shirt over her naked body before grabbing Nat's Nirvana shirt and handing it to her. Natasha didn't take it and so Maria helped Nat into it, pulling it over her head for her. She was still sat on the floor with a mortified look on her face, not saying a word. "Nat? What happened?" Maria asked softly, giving the red head time to come to her senses.
Natasha's eyes flickered back and forth to Maria before they glazed over, her pupils returning to their original size. Physically relaxing. She gulped. How could she explain this one? "Natty, hey there you are. You're back" Maria sighed upon noticing Natasha looked more comfortable regardless of the fact she was sat with her knees to her chest on the other side of the room.
"I-" Natasha tried before taking a deep breath, "I don't like it when people touch my hair". Maria was confused, what? Maria gave her a look, asking Natasha to continue, "I just don't like it Mia!", Natasha began to cry and Maria was shocked. She'd never seen the all mighty black widow break before. Natasha was supposed to be made out of steal. She was so strong. But, is strength really hiding your emotions, or is it cowardice?
"Okay, Nat, It's okay. I'm sorry, I won't do it again" Maria offered, she wasn't entirely sure as to why Natasha was so affected by the simple act. "Erm" Maria scratched the back of her neck, still feeling rather awkward, "Erm Nat, should I go?"
"Yes."
And so Maria Hill left.
It had been two days since the incident, Natasha had avoided Maria like the plague. Maria didn't blame her, she too felt strange after the events. It wasn't until Natasha turned up at her room on the Hellicarrier that they discussed it.
"Hey" Maria greeted the woman at her door,
"Hey back" Natasha responded, shifting from foot to foot. Clearly still feeling embarrassed. Maria opened her door wider, inviting Natasha in. They didn't speak for a good minute until the silence had grown so loud Natasha couldn't deal with it anymore.
"They used to do that to me!" she all but burst out, she couldn't keep it in any longer.
"touch your hair?"
"Well yes, but it was usually more aggressive than that."
Maria froze, she finally understood. How could she have been so ignorant to what Natasha was trying to tell her? Her face washed over with a pale shade of white, she looked ill. "Who did that Natty?"
"Dreykov" She whispered, Maria felt an instant relief hearing it was only one man, but her relief was short lived "And his men. Sometimes on missions as a kid, but It stopped for a few months when I was steralised. We had to heal. Then lots of honey pot missions with rich fat men, sometimes women"
Maria wanted to throw up. Natasha was steralised?
"They always pulled my hair, I don't know why. But it was a common occurrence, Dreykov used to tell me I was lucky that my hair was red, he said it made me desirable and different. His men loved it. I guess they had grown bored off all the other girls because to them they looked the same. I tried to cut it off once, I died it blue to make me less desirable. It didn't last for long."
"When did you do that Natty?" Maria enquired.
"When I was ten" Natasha shrugged her sentence off as if it didn't break her.
"Oh" Maria placed her hand over her mouth. She was just a child for god sakes. A ten year old girl. How old was she when this all started? Maria wasn't sure if she really wanted to know. She knew it was selfish but she didn't ask.
"It's fine though" Natasha stated.
Maria knew Natasha wasn't fine. You can't go through years of rape and abuse to be fine. Maria didn't know what to say that would all make it better, there was nothing she could offer her. She walked up to Nat and opened her arms wide offering her comfort. Natasha accepted her offer within seconds, embracing Maria's warmth and hiding her face in Mia's neck.
"Hey Natty" Maria spoke up, they'd both moved to sit on the floor a while ago when Maria realised Natasha wasn't ready to let go. Maria had Natasha on her lap, keeping her safe.
"Hmm?" Natasha answered her.
"Why don't we cut it off?" It was a silly idea, but Maria figured Natasha might like the idea. A reminder she was now free and belonged to no one.
"Really?" Natasha did like the idea, but she didn't want to look less desirable to Maria. After all when they first started dating, Maria would always compliment her hair, saying it was beautiful every time she braided it.
"Yeh, I've got some scissors in the draw" Maria pointed to her kitchen.
"Now?" Natasha raised an eyebrow
"Only if you want to Natty" Maria kissed her temples.
"Let's do it" Natasha nodded her head firmly.
And here they were, both stood in the bathroom staring into the mirror.
"And you'll still find me attractive?" Natasha had asked Maria, her insecurities getting the better of her.
"Nat, I'd find you hot if you shaved it all off and died it three different colours and got a hundred body piercings and several tattoos" Maria laughed at the thought, Natasha joined in. Nat handed Maria the scissors and Maria froze.
"Nat you want me to do it?"
"Yes" she replied confidently.
"But Nat I'll have to tou-" yes maria, you'll have to touch her hair.
"I know" she smiled in the mirror, knowing Maria could see her reflection. Maria pulled a goofy face back.
"How short, my love?" she kissed the back of Natasha's shoulder.
"Hmmm, just below my chin?"
"It's going to look great Natty" she reassured her.
Maria placed her hand delicately in Natasha's hair, she flinched at first but then told Maria it was okay. Maria nodded and began to snip it, Natasha felt the weight leave her. She felt like a new person, she wasn't the same little girl who was constantly used for her body. As each strand fell to the floor, Natasha gave herself peace. Acknowledging her past and her trauma but finding a way to let herself move on.
When Maria was done she kissed Natasha again, running her fingers ever so slightly through Natasha's hair. Natasha didn't flinch this time, but allowed herself to lean into Maria's comfort.
"Thank you Mia" she turned around and kissed her. She was going to be okay. Maria would never hurt her.
