HELLOOOOO ENJOY (:
JUST SLEEP.
just sleep.
It's not that hard.
close your eyes.
But she couldn't, every time she closed her eyes she was back there again. A place no little girl should ever go. A place where your demons will find you, and destroy you. She wasn't safe anywhere. Natasha had given up trying to sleep by 5am and opted to get some coffee from the quad. The soft thrum of the Hellicarrier vibrated beneath her, the fluorescent lights shining harshly above her, glitching every now and then. She was new there, with a new identity, a new name. She was no longer Natalia Allinova Romonova, she was Natasha Romanoff Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. An agent with a Level 1 pass, but an agent no less.
Natasha poured the water into her coffee and swiftly added a mountain of sugar into her drink. The Red Room didn't let them have sugar, so Nat took every opportunity she had to eat it. She'd recently become obsessed with American mass produced peanut butter. Sometimes even eating it straight out of the jar. If Madame B saw her today, Natasha just knew her hand would be whipped with a cane until her knuckles bled and her fingers snapped. She almost smirked at the image of Madame B lying dead on the floor, her blood oozing out and onto Natasha's shoes. She wiped off her smirk swiftly, she shouldn't be having those thoughts anymore. She's good now. Right? But she couldn't fight the itch for pain, to fight. She was trained to hurt others and take great satisfaction in it. She was so use to the gore. Fury made her see a therapist, he told her those urges will die down. That she was conditioned to be like that, that she wouldn't be weak for caring or feeling remorseful. Safe to say she hasn't gone back yet.
After she downed her coffee she made her way to the gym, she liked to go before any one else did. She told Fury that she liked the peace and quiet. That wasn't true. She just had no friends to go with. Another thing the Red Room never taught her;how to make friends. Even if she did want them, she wouldn't know how. She was close with Clint in Budapest, but shortly after they returned Natalia was put under S.H.I.E.L.D's house arrest and Clint had to go back to his kids. She was lonely. The only person she had spoken to besides Nick and Clint was Maria Hill. But Hill didn't seem bothered by Romanoff, she only showed her to her new quarters and where the canteen and showers were and then left. Natasha hadn't spoken to anyone for days.
Not only was she lonely, she was tired. But nothing she did would allow her to sleep. She worked out for hours trying to tire herself out but it didn't work. There wasn't anything else she could do. She was bored. She wasn't allowed to go on missions, she wasn't cleared and was still viewed as a flight risk. She was allowed to leave S.H.I.E.L.D property, something about not have being adjusted to the outside world yet. She assumed that's why they put her on the Hellicarrier, it wasn't like she could run away. She valued S.H.I.E.LD, she truly did, but she couldn't help but feel like a small child being watched by everyone. She had freedom, but it always came at a cost. She spent many nights wondering if S.H.I.E.L.D was the organisation it said it was, if they'd ever let her leave if she quit her job. Sometimes, at the very back of her mind, she wonders just how different S.H.I.E.L.D and the Red Room actually are. At least there are no child soldiers, she often concludes.
Natasha wanted to get some sleeping pills to knock her out into a dreamless sleep, she tried to get into the Med Bay once. It didn't end well, she was infuriated. She turned up and the Doctor immediately called Maria Hill. Maria had sat Romanoff down and told her she could have anything she wanted as long as it was in reason and that she had a explanation as to why she was there. Romanoff simply scoffed and walked out, she wasn't a child who gave Hill such authority? Hill didn't give her a reaction when she left. Natasha wasn't one to cry about her problems so there was no way she was going to beg Hill to give her Sleep Aid tablets. It would be embarrassing. But what Nat didn't know was that needing help wasn't a weakness in S.H.I.E.L.D. Many agents were given medication as well as therapy to help them sleep. Hell even Maria was on meds for a while. Everyone has demons of their own, and Maria is plagued with PTSD. But Romanoff was so exhausted to notice it. No one ever noticed Hill twitch as certain noises, they expected agents with PTSD to break down but Hill was good at hiding it. She was always good at hiding things, like the bruises her father left on her as a child. But Maria had Nick, she wasn't alone anymore.
By the time Natasha Romanoff had hit 72 hours with no sleep she screamed. Kicking the walls of her room and pulling her hair out. Her eyes were rimmed red, tear stains streaking down her face. Her nails had been bitten down to their core. She was sick of herself. She was so alone. Nobody wanted to talk to her, nobody cared. She ignored all of Fury's emails requesting her presence. She didn't care anymore. She had had enough. She made her way to the gym at 3am. Dragging he exhausted body to its destination. By the time she made it to the punching bag she could feel herself swaying, it was nauseating. She pulled through but tripped before she had a chance to throw a punch, she expected her head to collide with the floor but she never felt it. Instead she felt strong hands around her waist, gripping her securely but gentle. God she hadn't been touched in so long. She fell into their embrace.
"Wo - Woah Romanoff steady, you're okay, you're okay" Maria whispered kindly as she carefully brought the two of them to sit down on the mat. Natasha's body had gone limp. "it's okay" Maria reassured her again, not letting go in fear Romanoff would fall to the side.
"I'm so lonely" Natasha whimpered, she no longer cared if she looked pathetic. All her instincts to run and hide were betraying her, she couldn't move. She needed help, She couldn't bare to feel empty anymore. "Don't leave" she begged, holding onto Maria tightly, "Please" she sniffled.
Maria rocked her back an forth, swaying gently. Maria felt dreadful, her guilt rising to the surface. She knew Natasha was struggling to fit in at S.H.I.E.L.D, but she didn't know that it was that bad. She reminded her off when she came back from one of her Tours in Iraq, Maria was tortured with nightmares of her teammates dying. She too also struggled to sleep. Natasha continued to sob in her arms, the brunette continued to shush her sweetly, stroking her hair and swaying back and forth. "It's okay, I'm here. You're not alone. Close your eyes, I'll be right here. I promise. Shush, that's it now. It is all going to be okay" She repeated herself over and over again, until the red head drifted off to sleep in her arms.
Maria Hill kept her promise, when it was opening time at the gym at 7am, Hill carefully left Romanoff to lock the door and close the blinds so no agents would walk in on her in this state. She then walked back over to Natasha's sleeping form and wrapped her arm around her. "I'm always going to stay with you Nat, you'll never be alone again".
