Take My Breath Away

18

Jimin sat on the floor of dance studio 5 trying to catch his breath. A drop of sweat trickled down his forehead and he wiped it away with the back of his hand. Dancing was the best way he knew to relieve stress, to release all the tension in his body. Jimin had danced a lot lately. As the end of term exams had approached and the mountain of school work had towered over him he had found himself in the dance studio several times a week, he needed it to not go insane. What had troubled him most over the last few weeks though had been the conversation he'd had with his brother, the conversation they'd had about their father.
Jimin had tried desperately to ignore the thoughts about his father that invaded his brain. He hadn't changed his mind, he didn't want anything to do with the man, but he couldn't stop thinking about him. He had spoken to Jihyun after their phone call, but neither of them had brought up their previous conversation. Jihyun understood that Jimin didn't want to hear about their father, that it was too painful and Jimin was happy his brother respected that. A small part of him however wished that Jihyun would bring the subject up again.
Confusion would be the best word to describe the state of Jimin's mind. His father suddenly coming back into his life had reopened old wounds, painful stinging wounds from his childhood and he was afraid his father was only standing there with a big tub of salt ready to hurt him even more.
Deep inside he wanted to believe his father had good intentions, that he had realised what he'd done to Jimin and his family was wrong, but he was afraid to let himself hope. These conflicting emotions of wanting to keep his father as far away as possible and at the same time get closer to him were tearing him apart.

Jimin laid down and stared at the bright lights hanging from the ceiling. He didn't know what to do. He turned his head towards the door when he heard it opening and saw Jungkook entering the dance studio with a paper bag in his hands.
"I thought I might find you here." He said and smiled as he walked over to Jimin.
Jimin sat up and wiped his forehead again where more sweat had collected. "I needed to clear my mind."
Jungkook nodded and sat down in front of the blonde boy.
"You haven't eaten yet, have you?"
Jimin shook his head. He knew he was being reckless, it was getting late and he hadn't eaten since lunch. He shouldn't neglect his health because he was stressed.
Jungkook took out the little bag Jimin kept his glucose monitor and insulin in and handed it to him before he took out a triangle gimbap and one of Jimin's nutrition drinks, thankfully a chocolate flavoured one. Jimin pricked his finger and checked the monitor. His blood glucose was a bit lower than he was comfortable with so he lowered the insulin dosage a little and administered it.
He could see Jungkook eyeing him wearily out of the corner of his eye. "What?" Jimin said and raised his eyebrows.
Jungkook sighed. "You can't keep doing this."
Jimin frowned and put his inulin pen and glucose monitor back in the little bag. "Doing what?"
"Skipping meals, exhausting yourself." Jungkook said and crumpled up the brown paper bag in his hands.
Jimin let out a frustrated sigh. "I know, I'm working on it." It wasn't the full truth. The consequences of his nightly visits to the dance studio were far back in his mind, his main focus was to get an outlet for his frustrations.

"It's not just that." Jungkook paused for a second. "I know you haven't been checking your blood sugar as often as you should and I've seen you skip your insulin at school."
Jimin opened his mouth to argue, but Jungkook gave him a knowing look which made the blonde boy bite his tongue.
"Okay, yeah maybe I haven't been keeping up with it the way I should but it isn't always easy. It looks suspicious that I have to excuse myself all the time."
"That shouldn't matter, you need to put your health first." Jungkook said and took Jimin's hand.
He stared into Jungkook's big eyes, each holding a galaxy of their own. "I can't tell them Jungkook." He said, his voice small.
The brown-haired boy's eyes softened, "No I know that, but you still need to take care of yourself."
Jimin's eyes fell to the floor. He wished he could promise Jungkook that he would do better, that he would monitor his diabetes like he was supposed to, but his boyfriend's words didn't offer any solution to his problem. His friends couldn't know, Jimin couldn't afford the risk of losing them, and without them knowing it was difficult to explain why he had to leave before every meal.
Jimin grabbed the gimbap and took a bite, deciding to change the subject. "Did your exam go okay?"
Jungkook watched him chew. It looked like he was contemplating whether to let Jimin move on from their previous conversation so quickly. "Yeah, I think so," He finally said. "but I don't know, I don't feel that motivated anymore."
Jimin nodded. Jungkook had talked more and more about changing his major to photography. He still felt apprehensive about actually taking the leap, afraid of his mother's reaction, but Jimin could tell that deep inside his boyfriend had made up his mind. Now that Jungkook didn't stop himself from enjoying photography he was out taking pictures all the time and seeing the spark in Jungkook's eyes whenever he showed him the photos he'd taken made
Jimin happy. He was doing something that made him happy and Jimin loved seeing him like that.
"How did yours go?" Jungkook said as he took a bite of his own triangle gimbap.
Jimin wrinkled his nose a little as he chewed. He'd taken his history exam earlier that day and he'd had a hard time concentrating. "I don't know, I kept getting distracted."
"Your dad?" Jungkook asked as he took another bite.
Jimin had told his boyfriend about the situation with his father and about the conversation he'd had with Jihyun.
The brown-haired boy had just listened and told Jimin he didn't owe his father anything, that he could decide for himself if he wanted to see him or not. He felt happy that Jungkook didn't push him either way, he made Jimin feel like his feelings were completely valid. Unfortunately, a solution to his problem hadn't presented itself and his mind kept running in circles.
Jimin nodded and unscrewed the lid to his nutrition drink and took a quick swig from the bottle. "Yeah."
Jungkook examined Jimin's face for a moment. "Maybe you should talk to Jihyun, listen to what happened when he went to see him. It might give you some clarity, help you decide on what to do."
Jimin eyed his boyfriend wearily. He was afraid of what that conversation would awake in him, that it would make him want to see his father.
Jungkook sighed and took Jimin's hand. "Listen, you can't keep going like this, you clearly want to know more and the best way to get more information is to ask Jihyun.
Talking to him doesn't mean you have to go see your dad, it just means you'll have more information to make your decision.
"But what if he tells me stuff I don't want to hear, what if he says he's all wonderful and he's the dad Jihyun always wanted. What then? Am I just supposed to believe that?"
It scared Jimin that there was a possibility that Jihyun really liked their father, that he was this amazing person, the perfect father. Because if that were the case then he wouldn't know what to do because that meant that Jimin was the person that had robbed Jihyun of having that perfect father, him and his stupid cystic fibrosis. He didn't know if he could live with that guilt.
Jungkook gave the blonde boy a sympathetic smile as he stroked the back of his hand with his thumb. "I don't know, but you'll never know if you don't ask him."
Jimin looked down at their intersected hands. Jungkook was right. He wasn't going to be able to stop thinking about his father until he got some more information. He needed to talk to Jihyun.
Jimin looked back up at Jungkook. "I'll talk to him at
Christmas."
"Good," Jungkook smiled and squeezed his hand. "and you can scream your head off at me afterwards if it's not what you wanted to hear."
Jimin let out a light laugh. "I won't scream at you."
They finished their food and started gathering their things.
"Will you come back to the dorms for a bit?" Jimin asked.
He knew Jungkook was busy with school and so was he, but he hoped his boyfriend would want to come for a little bit at least. They hadn't had time to see each other as much lately with all the end of term exams.
"Sure, can't stay long though," Jungkook said as he opened the door to the dance studio letting them both out into the abandoned corridor. "I still have to finish studying for my last maths exam tomorrow.
Jimin smiled and grabbed Jungkook's hand. "Only a few more days and then we leave for Busan."