Take My Breath Away

31

Jimin stared at Dr Choi's interlaced fingers resting on his desk. It had been a month since he was discharged from the hospital after the blood lot and it was finally time for his check-up. Jimin felt a little nervous about what Dr Choi was going to say, what state his body was in, what the plan would be ahead. He'd accepted that he was the sickest he'd ever been, that he wouldn't be able to get back to where he was before the blood clot, but there was still a small part of him that hoped that Dr Choi would have good news, that there was still something they could do.
Jimin felt Taehyung squeeze his hand reassuringly.
Jungkook hadn't been able to come with him because of an important shoot for his photography course. When his boyfriend had initially heard of their conflicting schedules he'd insisted he'd come with Jimin anyway, but the blonde boy had convinced him that he shouldn't blow the shoot off because of him. He didn't want to go alone though so he'd asked Taehyung to come and his best friend had gladly agreed.
Dr Choi cleared his throat making Jimin focus on the doctor's face again. "Looking at the results from your lung function test, there's virtually no improvement."
Jimin's stomach sunk. He could feel the little glimmer of hope flicker and die out. He'd known in his heart that he wasn't getting better, he shouldn't have thought there was a chance he wasn't right.
"He's not gotten better, like not at all?" Taehyung said, his eyes flicking between Dr Choi and Jimin.
"No." Dr Choi shook his head. "Comparing it to the one you did at the hospital right before vou were discharged Jimin your lung function is basically the same."
"But that doesn't mean it can't improve later on, right?" Taehyung said, his hand gripping onto Jimin's tightly.
"It's been over a month and we've seen no improvement.
I'm not saying it's impossible, but from my experience, it's very unlikely."
Jimin nodded and readjusted his oxygen cannula. "So, I just... have to live... like this now.'
Dr Choi gave him a sympathetic smile. "I'm sorry Jimin."
He bowed his head, staring at the grey speckled floor. He could feel Taehyung staring at him, his eyes burning a hole in the side of Jimin's head.
"I think it's time we talk about putting vou on the transplant list." Dr Choi said.
Jimin felt sick. He'd always known a lung transplant was something he might have to face in the future, but this was too early. He'd always told himself he was too healthy, pushed it out of his mind, keeping it in the far distant future, far away enough that he didn't have to think about it. But now it was here, the day that he was sick enough to qualify for a transplant.
"That's great, right?" Taehyung said, suddenly a much happier tone in his voice. "That'll make you better Jimin."
Jimin looked up at his best friend. His eyes were slightly shiny, but there was hope in them and it made the blonde boy's heart twist.
It wasn't as simple as that. The transplant scared him. It was a huge surgery and there was no guarantee that he'd make it through, not even counting in the gruesome recovery afterwards. Then there were long-time complications to count in, just because he made it through the surgery didn't mean he was out of the woods.
"You don't have to decide now." Dr Choi said. "I'll give you a pamphlet to read and you can think about it."
Jimin nodded. He wasn't sure what to do.
Jimin took the pamphlet from Dr Choi and thanked the doctor. He and Taehyung made their way back to Hoseok's car that their friend had kindly let them borrow. Taehyung opened the door for Jimin and he sat down in the passenger seat, still holding the pamphlet in a tight grip.
He could feel the paper scrunch up between his fingers, the face of the smiling woman on the cover taking an odd shape.
Taehyung started the car and they drove out of the hospital parking lot. They spent the first couple of minutes in silence, Taehyung's eyes focused on the road, Jimin staring at the bunched-up pamphlet in his hand. It wasn't uncomfortable per se, Jimin was never uncomfortable around his best friend, but the air between them seemed too light. It didn't fit the way Jimin felt at all.
"I didn't know what to expect, like I was a bit nervous, but that was great news, right?" Taehyung finally said, relief threaded through his words. "If you can get a lung transplant then that changes everything."
Jimin hummed, eyes still fixed on the pamphlet. He stared at the smiling woman on the cover, a smile that only spoke of lies to Jimin. Taehyung was too happy, too excited about the whole thing. A lung transplant wasn't some quick fix that Jimin would just 'get' and then be fine. It meant weeks, months in the hospital, a lifetime on anti-rejection meds which had their fair share of side effects, and the inevitability that he might still need to replace his lungs again because they didn't always last. That was if he even survived the surgery and there was no guarantee of that.
"I'm so happy for you, seriously." Taehyung continued and Jimin could see a smile slowly appear on his lips. "That was the best news we could have gotten."
Jimin wished he felt the same, wished he felt like Dr Choi had given him a solution and not a hundred more problems. It didn't feel like good news. It meant they were at their last resort, he was truly dying and there was no other option. He had to choose between a sure death within a few months, a couple of years if he were lucky, and a potentially life-saving surgery that could just as easily rob him of the time he had left with the people he loved. No, it didn't feel like good news, it was more like Dr Choi was giving him a lottery ticket, making him gamble with his own life.
"Isn't it great?" Taehyung questioned, glancing over at Jimin.
Jimin took his eyes off the pamphlet, choosing to look out the passenger window again to avoid his best friend's eyes.
"Yeah."
Taehyung seemed to hesitate for a few seconds before he opened his mouth again. "It is good news, right?"
Jimin kept staring out the window, watching the blurry city pass them by. "I don't want to... talk about it."
He really didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to see the hope die out in his best friend's eyes too.
Jimin spent the rest of the day on the sofa, aimlessly flicking through the channels. He tried to distract himself, he wanted to keep his mind off the visit with DrChoi, yet he could think of nothing but. He felt like he was suffocating trying to figure everything out on his own. It wasn't until Jungkook stepped through the door that Jimin felt like he could finally breathe again.
"Hey." Jungkook said as he hung his jacket and hurried over to Jimin on the sofa, giving him a quick kiss. "How did it go?"
Jimin gave his boyfriend a pained look and the smile spread across Jungkook's lips faded.
"Bad?"
Jimin lowered his gaze to his hands resting in his lap. "I haven't gotten... better."
"Okay." Jungkook said, the tone in his voice indicating he wanted Jimin to keep going.
Jimin looked up to meet his boyfriend's soft eyes. "He's recommending... I get a transplant."
"Oh." Jungkook's eyes flicked between Jimin's. "What did you tell him?"
"I didn't say... anything." Jimin answered quietly. Jungkook knew about his hesitation towards the surgery, they'd discussed it before, and he knew this decision would affect his boyfriend just as much as himself.
Jungkook nodded, his hands finding Jimin's. "What do you want to do?"
"I don't know." Jimin said. "It's... not an easy decision."
Jungkook nodded again, moving a little closer to Jimin.
"Tell me what you're thinking.
It wasn't an order or a demand, it never would be from Jungkook, it was more of an invitation, a hand stretched out offering to help guide Jimin through his thoughts and feelings.
"I'm scared." Jimin started. He could feel Jungkook squeeze his hands reassuringly. "The surgery... scares me."
Jungkook nodded. "It scares me too."
"If it works... it would change... everything." Jimin gave his boyfriend a sorrowful smile. "But we've already lost... So much time, I'm... afraid that I won't... survive the surgery and... we'll lose the time... we have left."
He stared into Jungkook's understanding eyes. There was the chance that it would work. There was a chance that he would have a set of functioning lungs again, that he could run, that he could dance. On the other hand, he didn't know if it was worth it, gambling the months of life he had left not knowing if it would pay off or not. Maybe he just needed to accept that he was going to die, spend the time he had left with the people he loved and not risk losing everything far too soon. The hope was just as crushing as the fear.
Jimin huddled close to Jungkook, laying his head on his shoulder, Jungkook's arms wrapping around him as he got situated. "What do you think... I should do?"
"I don't know." Jungkook paused for a second, his fingertips drawing circles on Jimin's arm. "I don't know what the right decision is. You need to choose what feels right to you. I just want you to be happy."
Jimin nodded against Jungkook's shoulder. "I wish it were... easy, that I knew... exactly what to do."
"I know." Jungkook's hand continued to move soothingly up and down Jimin's arm. "But whatever you decide, I'll support you all the way."
Jimin smiled and closed his eyes, relishing being in Jungkook's safe arms. He wasn't any closer to making a decision, deciding if he should get the transplant or not, but he knew that whatever he decided to do he would always have Jungkook and that meant more than anything.