Take My Breath Away

26

Jimin laid on his side, eyes fixed on the clock hung on the wall. He spent a lot of time watching the hands move, listening to the soft ticking sound that echoed in the room.
Most days he wanted to get out of bed and rip the damned thing off the wall and smash it into a thousand pieces, ruin it so badly that it could never be put together. Yet, he didn't. He just kept watching the clock, watching the seconds, minutes, and hours pass by.
Time shouldn't really matter to him, his days all looked the same. Physical therapy that he didn't put any effort into, food being served that he didn't eat, people trying to make conversation that he didn't participate in. Time shouldn't matter, yet Jimin found himself with his eyes glued to the clock for the majority of the day.
It was like the clock was taunting him, reminding him how life was just passing him by. He was a mere bystander now, watching how life just continued like normal around him while he was stuck. With every tick and every tock, he could feel his life slipping through his fingers.
Jimin could feel a dip in his bed, but he didn't take his eyes off the clock. He knew it was Taehyung as he was the only other person in the room. Jungkook had gone back to his apartment for a few hours to take a shower and change his clothes, or so Jimin presumed because he hadn't really listened to what his boyfriend had said before he left. He didn't know where his mother and Jihyun were, probably at the hotel. Taehyung was the only one there, he was on babysitting duty. That was what it felt like anyway, always someone sitting with him even though he'd much rather be alone.
"I brought you a new book." His best friend said softly. "I know you haven't read the other ones, but I thought you might like this one better. Another one to choose from, you know."
Jimin's gaze fell on the book in Taehyung's hands. It was
'Crime and Punishment' by Fyodor Dostoevsky, a book that Jimin actually hadn't read before unlike the other ones he'd been brought. He didn't mind rereading books, in fact he loved going back into a story that he'd particularly enjoyed, finding comfort in the characters he'd gotten to know so well. The reason he hadn't read the books sitting in a pile on his nightstand wasn't that he'd read them before, he just didn't feel like reading.
The thought of having a brand-new book in his hands, a new story to get lost in, would usually excite him more than anything. He would often shut himself in his room and just tune out the rest of the world, completely focusing on the book in his hands. The smell of fresh ink on paper, the feeling of the pages against his fingertips. It was something that Jimin loved more than anything, but looking at 'Crime and Punishment' in Taehyung's hands he didn't feel any of that. He wished he did, he really did.
Books were Jimin's way to escape, but he didn't feel like there was any point. It didn't matter if it took his mind off his struggling lungs for a few hours, it didn't change the fact that he was sick. What was the point of escaping to a different world just to be brought back into the hell he was living again and again, the pain of his reality hitting him harder and harder every time.
"Thanks." Jimin mumbled, catching a glimpse of Taehyung's hopeful face out of the corner of his eye. "Put it with... the others."
He could see his best friend's face fall at his words.

Taehyung hesitated for a second, eyeing Jimin wearily, before reaching over to put the book on the top of the pile.
Jimin readjusted his oxygen cannula, pressing it a little firmer against his nose. He'd switched from the mask to the cannula the day before and he knew that that meant he needed less oxygen which probably meant he was doing better. In the end, what did it matter if he had a mask or a cannula on, he didn't feel any better.
We're going into the mountains this weekend, all the guys."
Jimin looked at Taehyung properly for the first time since he'd entered the room a couple of hours ago. His friends were going away this weekend, without him. He felt something burn in his chest. Maybe it was disappointment, maybe jealousy, maybe resentment. He tried to remind himself that he didn't have any right to be upset about his friends having fun without him, they had all the right in the world to enjoy themselves, especially since half of them had no idea he was in the hospital.
Hoseok and Taehyung had told the rest of their friends that Jimin had had a family emergency and had gone back to Busan for the unforeseeable future. A weak lie in Jimin's opinion, but he couldn't exactly come up with a better one.
It didn't explain why Jungkook, Taehyung and Hoseok had spent so much time away from the university and Jimin knew that they must have been visibly upset when he'd fallen ill. He worried that his friends would see right through it, that they would find out about Jimin's real whereabouts, but according to his friends they hadn't questioned it. He'd replied to their texts a few times, assuring them that he was fine and that he needed time to process the non-existent family emergency. He'd stopped replying once he'd realised that he probably would never see them again because he knew he would never get well enough where he could fake not being sick.
The thought that he was losing his friends hurt, especially because he knew he was the only one to blame. It was his fault that he hadn't taken care of himself, it was his fault that he hadn't gone to the doctor when he should, it was his fault that he was too afraid to tell them what had happened. It was better losing them like this Jimin thought, better them thinking he'd moved away than seeing their sad eyes as he told them he was dying. He couldn't bear it.
"Have fun." Jimin finally said, his eyes leaving Taehyung to fix on the clock again. He couldn't help the bitter tone of his voice.
He could feel Taehyung's hand on his thigh through the blanket and even though he couldn't fully see his face he could tell his best friend was looking right at him with sad eyes.
"I'm sorry. I know you'd want to go too." Taehyung said and repositioned himself on the bed slightly.
"It's fine." Jimin inhaled deeply through his nose, trying to get some more oxygen into his lungs. Talking made him feel dizzy. "Is Jungkook... going?"
Taehyung didn't say anything for a second and Jimin could hear the ticking of the clock again.
"No, he said he wants to stay here with you. He didn't want me to tell you." His best friend finally said.
"He... should go." Jimin took a few extra breaths before continuing. "I'll be... fine."
Jungkook should go. He should go have fun with their friends, enjoy himself and get his mind off Jimin. Jungkook needed to get used to his life without him because soon he wouldn't have any other choice.
Jimin felt how the bed evened out as Taehyung stood up.
His eyes didn't leave the clock, but he was forced to look at his best friend as the boy pulled up a chair and sat right in front of his face, eyes burrowing into Jimin's.
"I know this sucks," Jimin let out a small huff but Taehyung continued. "I know you're hurting, I get that. I know I couldn't possibly understand what you're going through, but you won't tell me what you're thinking so how am I supposed to try?"
Jimin avoided Taehyung's eyes. He didn't want to talk about it, it wouldn't make him feel better, it wouldn't change anything.
"Do you know how scared we were? Me, Jungkook, your mum? We thought we were going to lose you. You got better and I thought everything would be okay, but they're not. You're still here but I feel like I've lost you."
Taehyung's words stung but Jimin couldn't blame his best friend for feeling like he'd lost him. How could he when he felt like he'd lost himself. He didn't like that his friends and family worried about him but he couldn't fake being fine anymore.
"I miss you Jimin. I want my best friend back." Taehyung said and the little crack in his voice at the end cut through Jimin like a knife. He could feel tears starting to well up in his eyes. He hated that he was upsetting his best friend.
Jimin turned around and laid on his other side, facing away from Taehyung. He couldn't look at him anymore.
"We're here for you, all of us." Taehyung said quietly.
"You're not alone in this.
Jimin blinked the tears from his eyes. They all said that, that they were there for him, but Jimin almost wished they weren't anymore. It would be so much easier if they all left, left him completely alone. It just hurt more knowing he wasn't what they wanted him to be.