Take My Breath Away

21

Jimin had been sad plenty of times before. He'd been sad when his grandmother had died, he'd been sad when his father had left, he'd been sad when he had first realised what having cystic fibrosis meant. Yes, Jimin had been sad many times before, but it was nothing compared to the aching hollow feeling he had right now. Nothing even came close.
The last few days had been a blur, each day just like the other, just as grey, just as empty. Jimin didn't talk, he didn't eat, he didn't sleep. He simply couldn't. He wanted to talk, to scream, to yell, but he felt like every word had left him. He wanted to eat, but he couldn't get anything down, it felt like anything he tried to eat got stuck in his throat. He wanted to sleep, but he couldn't, every time he closed his eyes he only saw Jungkook's desperate eyes, heard his pleading voice, and it kept him awake.
He spent his time laying in his bed, staring at the wall, thinking about Jungkook. He felt lost. He didn't know what to do, how to move on from here. His world with Jungkook in it was vibrant, he'd seen colours he didn't think existed.
Now his world was grey, empty, lonely.
He'd broken down in the shower the night before, he'd laid on the floor shaking, crying, for he didn't know how long.
It had finally hit him, he'd realised why it hurt so much, why he felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest.
Jimin had fallen in love with Jungkook, he loved him and he hated himself for realising too late, for never having the opportunity to tell him.
Jimin had put his phone in one of the drawers of his desk, he couldn't look at it. He was sure Jungkook had sent him a hundred texts and called him iust as many times over the last few days. He'd put it in there so he wouldn't have to see the younger boy's name on the display, to not be tempted to answer, to not tell him everything was a mistake. Every time he heard the vibration from the desk he broke down into tears again.
He hated himself for what he'd done, for breaking Jungkook's heart, and his own in the process. He tried to remind himself why he'd done it, that it was to spare Jungkook from the pain he'd have to go through later on, when he wasn't there anymore. Jimin told himself Jungkook would be fine, he would get over him, he would find someone else, he would be happy. He didn't know if he could say the same for himself.
He'd never met anyone like Jungkook, he'd never been understood so well, treated so kindly, loved so intensely.
Jungkook had brought out sides of Jimin he didn't think existed, showed him ways of thinking that changed him.
He was the most radiant person, the most giving, the most beautiful. Jimin didn't think he would ever meet someone like him again and to be honest he didn't want to.
Jungkook was it, he was the one, and Jimin had had to give him up.
Jimin lost track of time, he only knew if it was day or night because of the change in light in his dorm room. He didn't bother turning on the lights when it got dark, it felt good to be shrouded in darkness, shutting out the world around him. It was probably late right now. Probably, he couldn't be sure.
He was lying in his bed, his duvet pulled up over his head.
He had one of Jungkook's hoodies on and he kept bringing the sleeve up to his nose to smell it, to draw in some of Jungkook's scent. Silent tears fell down his cheeks, they wetted the hoodie and his pillow. He missed Jungkook so much. He missed talking to him, holding him, kissing him.
He missed just being close to him, just being around him.
He used the sleeve to wipe away one of the tears that had dripped down to his chin. Would he ever stop feeling like this? Would he ever be able to feel happy again? He wasn't sure and it scared him.

Jimin was so deep in thought, so numb to the surrounding world that he didn't hear the door opening.
"Jimin?"
Hoseok. Jimin hadn't kept track of the days since he'd broken up with Jungkook. Hoseok wasn't supposed to arrive until the day before new year's. Had it really been three days already?
It was late, at least he thought it was. If he pretended to sleep Hoseok wouldn't bother him, he was sure of it. He would try to pull himself together until tomorrow, try to make it seem like he hadn't lost his entire world.
"Jimin, I know you're awake. I know when you pretend to sleep." Hoseok said as he moved into the room. Jimin could hear him come closer.
Shit. Jimin didn't want to have to deal with this now, he didn't want to have to explain to Hoseok what had happened between him and Jungkook. It was painful as it was to have to think about it all the time, he couldn't bear to actually say it out loud.
"Hey Hobi." He managed to say from under the covers. His voice was raspy from not having used it for several days, he barely recognised it, and the words came out a little slurred.
Jimin could feel the duvet being pulled from his face, but he didn't open his eyes. He only crawled further towards the wall, trying his best to hide his face. He hadn't looked at himself in the mirror since he got home, but he could imagine what he looked like.
"Are you sick?" Hoseok said and tried to take Jimin's hand to make him turn towards him.
He wasn't sick, he just wanted Hoseok to leave him alone.
He didn't have any energy, he was so tired. He thought that maybe he would finally get to sleep tonight. If Hoseok just left him alone.
"Hey jimin!"