Author: _mapl3.
Reviewer: JSaffina.
The premise of a forlorn child who has been abandoned by her family is wonderful! As someone who writes about family dynamics like this, it was very interesting. I did find however, that there was a lot of time used to give out over-descriptions. People's hair and eye colour were discussed more than once in the same sentence, so it becomes a bit crowded. It does take a while to find out what exactly is happening because what we see are the main character's thoughts which are all over the place –understandable since she is quite distraught, it would be nice to be able to see a clearer picture a little earlier in the story. Some scenes felt a bit too short and there was not a lot going on.
Side note: I believe scream-whispered is a bit of an oxymoron, I would consider using alternatives to this. Husky is a way to describe low-pitched sounds or the definition of a burly person, so personally don't think it's a good adjective to use for eye-colour description.I love that the main character is angry with her father and brother for how she has been used and abused, it would be great to be able to see that rage displayed more clearly, again her mind rambles a little bit and her feelings are not clear.I live for a good fight scene, some of these have potential but they might need a bit more research and a tad more appropriate punctuation, some of the scenes feel like they cut off too soon and need a smoother transition.
Characters need a nit more of a proper introduction if they are going to be recurring characters, such as Balor and Corbin, as we are not party to any character traits other than their physical appearance.Overall, I think the premise is promising! I see potential and heaps of room to grow.
Thank you!
(3/2/23)
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