Author: Mjthe112222aaaa.
Reviewer: JSaffina.
I found most of the story to be wordy and the tense used is not the right one. Grammar is scarce making this story an overall difficult read. Character introductions happen all at once, making a likeable character difficult to ascertain throughout the chapters.
Dialogue is confusing, as it is never clear who is talking. Too many descriptions and some are not descriptive enough. Wrong use of words (i.e. then to everyone's awareness, father and doc returned).Author switches points of view from third person to first person.
When diving into conflict, as a reader I was not made to feel the tension of it, there are outbursts, but they are focused on only two characters.
Plot hole I found: mc reveals that they speak Spanish, but they have lived with the other members and failed to disclose this information.
Why is it done now?
Why were the men with shotguns ready to fire at Chavez for his brazen act of holding Lorraine but did absolutely nothing when he kissed her?
Plot hole: Loriane has conflicting personalities. She is gruff and unapproachable but does not retaliate when someone touches her without permission. Why would she stay rooted to the spot but have no problem shouting at the "boys" when they're getting too rowdy. Subs and Doms usually have a change in attitude with the "familiar" person in an earlier set arrangement.
Internal conflict: Chavez is the new "kid" and is having a hard time fitting it. I am quite interested to see what direction this will be taking. Racial slurs are thrown around very nonchalantly, not uncommon for that time. Is Chavez being regarded that way by his peers, if so, why is he allowed a seat at the table? Unclear what everyone under the same roof has in common.
What is the work about? Is Lorraine in charge of the house?
Personally, I feel if you're going to use a foreign language and use it *colloquially* or as a native speaker would, then use it as they would . There were many redundancies in Spanish and French or words that native speakers would not particularly use.
(Source: I am a native Spanish speaker and lived in France for many years).
Loraine's name changes multiple times throughout the story without any reason behind it.
Regardless of this being fanfic, I believe the storytelling needs a bit of a polish. Once the author makes a few edits here and there, the story could be quite compelling.
Thanks!
(3/2/23)
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