Eleanor's Journal

Entry 1

I remembered this technique from therapy years ago. Write down what you're feeling and it will help you understand them. I don't remember it working, that's probably why i stopped. But i don't think that anything would actually help me understand it. I might die and all i've done lately is hurt myself and hurt others. And now i might die and someone who really cared about me hates me. I didn't mean to hurt him. I really didn't. When I accidentally kissed Livi I could've kept it a secret, but I thought if I did then it would just make it worse. And Katherine always told me that honesty is the best policy because lies will eat you from the inside. So I told her the truth. And I apologized. But it wasn't good enough. I genuinely didn't mean to do it. And then he broke up with me. She told me she wants to be friends who kiss sometimes. And so i asked specifically "so you're not my boyfriend anymore" and he confirmed that she wasn't my boyfriend anymore. And feeling worthless i did something stupid just like i always do. I ran to the person I knew would make me feel like a person. And I kissed her. And then he found out. Because their hippie dad can't keep his eyes to himself. He's always spying. Before i could even think about what had happened he texted me. Angry. How dare i? She said F you, except he said the f word. How dare I? How Dare I? How dare you. YOU broke up with me. YOU called me stupid. YOU made me feel that maybe it wasn't my fault that my parents left. YOU made me feel like maybe i was lovable. But you didn't mean it. You told me that you loved me. But you didn't mean it. I just don't understand why you'd lie to me.