Eleanor's Journal

entry 64

I'm terrible at making decisions, especially big ones. But really any and all decisions are hard for me. So I thought I would make a pros and cons list about whether or not I should go on the Massachusetts trip.

PROS OF GOING

1. Spending time with livi before she dies

2. I get to go to six flags

3. Museums

4. Nantucket

5. Lighthouse

6. Might get to see an elf

7. Livi promised she wasn't going to try to make a move on me while we're there

8. I get to go somewhere other than new jersey

9. I get to see a waterfall

10.  Kayla's going to try to do a lot of school work while i'm gone so we can go to disney in june

11. I may never get to go again

12. There's lots of gardens and flowers

13. Fenway park

CONS OF GOING

1. Livi will be there

2. I have to get on a plane

3. It's basically a couple trip

4. Livi lied about who was going

5. Kayla won't be there

6. Estelle will be there

7. Livi might be lying about the elf

8. Livi doesn't know how to keep promises

9. I have to face Ollie...

10. If i didn't go kayla could move in sooner

11. I'm being forced to spend time with people i don't know

12. Livi doesn't like the beach so i won't be able to enjoy it

13. My knee is hurt, more than it was supposed to be.

Siiiiiiiiigh there's 13 of each... even my pros and cons list can't make a decision. I don't know what to do... I feel like my pros are a lot more trivial (?) Is that the right word? Than the cons... but they really are things I think about when I think of the trip. I was really excited about going. But now it's just like a feeling of doom. Like something terrible is going to happen. Like our plane crashes or livi kisses me. Or maybe even something worse. What if I have sex with James again. Then I'll be able to show my face again. I'll have to move somewhere so far away that they'll never find me. Maybe I'll go to Arkansas or Kentucky or Montana, actually I can't live in Montana, it's too cold. But the sentiment is the same. I already feel so guilty about the James situation that every time I see his boyfriend it takes everything in me not to cry, curl up in a ball under the blankets and never move again.

Frozen is playing while I'm writing this, and something I don't understand is why is Olaf being willing to melt for Anna not an act of true love? He was willing to die for her. Or Kristoff bringing anna back to hans, he did that because he loves her. There were so many acts of love, why did Anna have to sacrifice herself to save Elsa and then Elsa sobs over Anna, have to be the act of true love... like i get that it's all very different kinds of love but they're all equally valid. I just don't get it..

That went off and so I turned the little mermaid on because I started watching it the other day, but I decided to go to the aquarium and see the real fish instead. Honestly Ariel, why are you so obsessed with eric. He kind of looks like Livi's dad's friend... Percy. Which makes this whole thing kinda weird. I think it's funny that they think they can keep the whole thing a secret from king triton. And how does no one see Ariel singing on a rock, like honestly. Also why didn't Ariel read the contract? Why didn't Ariel just write something to Eric explaining who she is or what's happening? We know she at least knows how to write her name... she signs her name on the contract and her hands are the same underwater and on the land.

Oh no, I got distracted and was rambling. Maybe in the back of my journal I will start writing questions and critiques I have about movies.

Anyway, what was I talking about... oh yeah, Massachusetts. I really have no idea what to do. I wish Livi had just been honest about who was going to begin with. Then i would be excited about all the fun stuff i was excited about yesterday, lighthouses, six flags, the ocean, museums, fenway. Parks and gardens. And my biggest worries would be if Kayla misses me as much as i miss her or if anyone broke into my house, are my plants getting watered, will i get to go to disney in june, that kind of stuff. But now i'm worried about if Livi is going to kiss me causing me to cheat on my girlfriend and that's literally my biggest fear, hurting kayla. I don't want to be manipulated. I want my feelings to be validated. I want to be heard. And when i say i'm in pain i want to be offered tylenol or an ice pack. I want to be cherished and I want to be loved. I want to be wanted. And livi doesn't do that. I don't think at this time that she even has the capacity to do it. Her idea of caring for me is ignoring what i want or what i think is best for me and only doing what she wants to do. eygfwyuhdvpfybvpy8fgDS∏Á°◊Ç˝¥¨b t thats how she makes me feel and that's not like gay panic. That's like frustrated. She would rather stand there and watch me cry having to crawl down her driveway and likely the three miles home than she would take me home. It's her fault I'm having to crawl to begin with. She refused to let anyone help me yesterday even after telling her that i couldn't do it, that i was hurting. And she still refused. And today the first thing I asked her was how her ankle was and she never once asked me how my knee was. I don't think she actually really cares about me as a person at all, maybe she cares about me as an idea, but not actually about me. Ghfudijnvckmslx, siiiiiiiiiigh ugh i don't even know anymore. I feel like I'm rambling but I also feel like I have a lot to say and I feel like I can't talk to anyone. I can't talk to Kayla about Livi because it just makes her mad. And then she goes and yells at livi and it just makes everything worse. And then i can't talk to livi about it because she just says "i didn't mean to" or "no i don't" or other things and or she'll make me feel crazy or bad about myself and it was like a million times worse when we were dating. She swears it made her happy, but she literally cried like all the time and i'm going to shut up now. Sorry if you read this.