Eleanor's Journal

Entry 115

I'm in Canada.
I rode in a car.
I still feel like I can't breathe.
What will happen to me if livi actually dies and doesn't come back.
Kayla and I slept naked in her childhood bed. We didn't mean to fall asleep. I'm still scared that her dad or stepdad or one of her siblings saw.
I'm worried about Kayla, she's been thinking about Austin a lot. Especially since will killed himself.
He did it in front of her. I don't know how he did it. But she wasn't okay.
She got really angry.
I feel like nobody is okay.
I'm scared she will be so not okay that she'll break up with me like Leilani.
How not okay does someone have to be to push me away.
I wish livi would push me a little bit away.
I feel like a burden.
Especially here.
A burden on her, a burden on her dad, and stepdad, and her sibling and idk everyone.
Kayla can't do the things she likes because of cars.
Walking in Toronto is not the same as walking in New York.
I'm sorry.
I keep saying it.
Because I don't know what else to say.
I'm sorry that the car makes me feel like I'm going to die. It makes my chest hurt and my knee and shoulder.