Eleanor's Journal

Entry 69

I hate not being able to sleep. I always hate not being able to sleep, especially when I'm not at home, which is when I struggle to sleep the most. Something about not being in my own bed or having my own pillow is not something that I particularly enjoy. I guess because it's not something I ever experienced. I've been awake for hours already and I've tried all my get back to sleep tricks that I can when you're sharing a hotel room with someone. Another thing about not being at home is that there's no snacks to eat when you think that might be what you need to get back to sleep. I listened to my instrumental playlist. It's basically just songs that I've danced to over the years. But I had to listen quietly because I'm sharing a room with livi. There's no one to talk to. I'm tired. I'm cramping. I feel like everything hurts, my knee, my armpit, my stomach, my back. And now I can't sleep. Maybe this is a sign I shouldn't have come. Mayne this is a sign that I should be back home. I don't know. To go home I have to get on an airplane and I don't want to have to get on one before I need to. Especially by myself.

I'm really worried about kayla. Before I left she had been hurting herself and now I feel like she's mad at me for leaving when she told me to go. And she assured me over and over that she will be fine. But she doesn't seem fine. And she says nothing is wrong, which is what makes me feel like that it's something that I did and she doesn't want to tell me because she's afraid of how i will react. Maybe she'll talk to will or something instead of trying to keep her feelings bottled up. She always seems to think that no one will care how she's feeling when in reality that's what I care about the most.

I am a self admitted people pleaser. I try to make everyone happy and a lot of the time it's at the expense of my own happiness. And sometimes what makes me happy hurts others. And I already feel bad about hurting people and then when they remind me that my choices don't make them happy I feel even worse. That's what happened today. Livi was making me feel bad about plans I made with kayla. How can she get mad at me for making plans when she won't even be here if we made plans. She wouldn't even come to my birthday party because Kayla will be there.

Livi you're so selfish. I wanted my birthday this year to be about being loved instead of unloved and you wouldn't even let me have that. I don't know why i'm mad that you said you won't be at my party because you'll be fucking dead. That's you. Being selfish. You can't even wait until after my birthday. You just want to make sure that I never have a good birthday. You want to make sure that I continue to feel awful about it. The more time i spend with you and the more times you tell me you love me the more i think that you actually hate me and you're doing everything in your power to make sure that i'm never happy. Sometimes I wish you could find my journal and maybe you can understand how much your actions hurt. I wasn't lying when I told you that what you wrote about me was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said about me. But to be fair, in the last ten years I've only been around two people who chose to be around me. Who weren't paid to be around me so you don't really have much competition. And I wish you could understand that you hurt me more than I could ever put into words. Even now I feel like you are still trying to hurt me. You make me feel guilty about plans I made with my girlfriend, because you have this incessant need to be first. The first to get me on a plane, the first to take me to disney, the first this the first that. Well guess what, if you kill yourself, you'l always hold the title of first prize. The first person I know who died. Anyways that need you have seems to be one of the top causes of me relapsing. Your actions caused me to relapse in a rose garden bathroom. Standing there and the sinks, crutches propped up against the wall, hot water all the way on, those awful rough brown paper towels were both my best friend and worst enemy in that moment. I put my arms under that scalding water and then I would take the dry paper towel and scrub as hard as I could until the towel was wet and not scratchy anymore. And I repeated that over and over and over again for 47 minutes.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to keep being a good friend when someone hurts me.

I don't know how to be a good partner when something is bothering my girlfriend and I don't know what it is.

I don't know how to live when my only friends will hate me because livi is selfish and it's easier to blame me than her.

I don't know if I can survive this.