From the Ending of a Tragedy

Chapter 18

Chapter 18

TW: Self harm, Blood

Magkakasama kaming tatlo na natulog sa kwarto as they want to make me feel safe and comforted but something took over me, pain. It was 2am nang bumangon ako para mag-cr, wala pa ko sa wisyo gumawa ng kung ano ano.

I was washing my hands when I saw a cutter above the shelf, tinago ko yon para di magamit ni Dane without knowing na ako pala ang makakagamit.

Just after a few minutes, it was a mess inside. Blood's on the floor as if I killed someone yet I don't feel anything, I was even mindlessly staring at my own creation. I saw my reflection in the mirror, helpless, as I fell down and lost consciousness.

Things happened in a blur and I ruined myself yet I can't help but to let my demon took over me. Gusto ko rin naman maging maayos ang buhay ko... kahit isang rason lang para kayanin kong ngumiti at mabuhay... pero yung nag-iisa kong rason ay nawala na.

Like a sudden rain on a bright, scorching day. You might be perplexed that it happened but you will accept it in time, and people call that "moving on" or "healing".

I gained consciousness at the hospital, Brian and Jae was watching me from my side. Buo ang ngiti nila na makita akong buhay, they also called Dane kasi alam kong nag-aalala na yon sakin. She was deadass crying like a baby when she saw me lying on a hospital bed.

"Kuya! Anyare?!!" hagulgol ng kapatid ko habang niyayakap ako, her hug was so tight that I feel squeezed pero ganon niya ako kamahal e.

Nabalitaan ko na lang na bumalik ang Mama ni Nyx to settle things for her funeral. I don't have any courage para pumunta kasi alam kong the moment na makita ko siya, I'll be on my knees and cry a river once again. Most of my classmates will go including Luna, Cain, Daph, and Jun. Daph even asked me if pupunta ako, I just said no. Siguro tsaka ko na lang siya pupuntahan after ng libing, kapag kaming dalawa na lang ang magkasama.

Ilang weeks akong nagstay sa hospital dahil malalim ang nagawa kong cuts which is my first time, I took advantage of it to make some realizations and to reflect from everything.
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A lot of months passed. I recovered from Nyx's tragedy and also mine as well, nagfocus ako sa studies while also taking care of my pet and my sister.

Consistent pa rin na nasa top ng klase though Luna's chasing me above the rankings, outside class we're close friends with Cain, Daph, and Jun. My eyes almost popped out nang sabihin ni Daphne sakin na may something sa kanila ni Jun, those two quarreled a lot yet they found more reasons to rely on each other.

Minsan I drop by at Brian's library to read some stuffs that picks my interest. Nagkausap kami one night na pumunta ako para mapag-isa.

While wandering at every shelf kung may maganda bang basahin ay nakuha ni Brian ang atensyon na kumakain sa isang table where you can read books. He already made coffee and pancake for the two of us. This guy has huge anger issues running in his blood pero here, look at how adorable he is.

Nag-angat siya ng tingin habang humihigop ng black coffee. "Make sure you're consistent with your progress." Hindi na ko umimik because he can literally read me and Jae... "kasi kung hindi I'll call your Personal Psychiatrist to check on you right now."

"Oo naman, sa totoo nga niyan pupunta ako sa flower shop ni Jae bukas."

"Hmm?? May nililigawan ka na agad?" surprised when I mentioned Jae's flower shop, narinig ko kay Jae na may sinuntok si Brian one time na pumunta siya roon.

"Hindi gago! Dadalawin ko si Nyx sa puntod niya, di naman kasi ako nakapunta nung libing e." He gave me a nod and proceeded to sip his coffee, like a boss.

"Sasamahan ka namin bukas, if okay sayo." he offered me a ride dahil siya lang naman ang may sasakyan.. at marunong magdrive sa aming tatlo.

"Go ahead, Brian. I'll see you tomorrow."

Nagkwentuhan kami magdamag at doon na rin ako nakatulog sa mismong reading table na yon, medyo nahihilo nga rin pala ako last night kaya mabilis akong nakatulog.

Hindi na ko naligo pumunta sa flower shop ni Jae kasama si Brian. We parked in front and he welcomed us with a big smile. Kasama rin niya ang tatlo pang florist kaso ang isa ay lumabas para mag deliver.

Jae gave a basket of Daisies bago kami sumakay sa sasakyan. It was only the three of us pero the whole ride feels like kasama ko si Nyx, do I miss her that much or I am yet to move on. Tahimik silang dalawa habang nakatingin lang ako sa labas.

He stopped the car and looked at me. "Andito na tayo Diell, mamaya na kami so just take your time." agad naman akong bumaba hawak hawak ang basket, mabigat ang bawat hakbang ko habang papalapit ng papalapit sa kanya.

Her grave was located under an old tree so hindi siya mababasa pag umulan. I placed the flowers next to her, nakangiti ako pero tumutulo na ang maiinit na luha sa pisngi ko... kaya siguro inabutan ako ni Jae ng panyo. Kinausap ko siya, just like she's in front of me, alive.

"Sorry kung ngayon lang ako nakarating ha? Mas binigyan ko kasi ng tuon ang sarili ko, tsaka di rin kita kayang harapin kung hindi ako okay."

As I talk more and more, lahat ng nagawa ko sa healing process ay nawala. Napaluhod na lang ako habang hinahawakan ang mga damo, ang sakit pala kahit ilang buwan na ang nagdaan.

"I miss you a lot, masaya ako na nakilala kita... Never kong inakala na liliwanag ulit ang buhay ko ng dahil sayo. Andami kong shortcomings pero minahal mo pa rin ako, like there's no tomorrow. I wonder what are you doing up there, baka pinapanood mo siguro ako lumuhod dito no? Umiiyak ka rin ba ngayon?"

Gumagaan ang loob ko nang sabihin ko ang mga bagay na naipon for a lot of months, and all of it was pain and love.

"Nyx, I'll start a new life na. Hinding hindi kita makakalimutan. I promise."

"You were the warm sunrise in my cold and uncertain sea, thank you for illuminating your love and warmth to me. I loved you so much, Nyx. I wish you peace as we both start a new life."

I carved my name on the tree, giving a sign na I was here for Nyx. Tinawag ko na rin sila Brian para sumilip. It was a bright and healing day, umiyak ako ng marami but I am also happy kasi magsisimula ako ng panibagong buhay.

One day matatapos rin ang connections natin with different people, but our memories with them will remain in our hearts and minds for eternity.
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Nyx.. I hope you're flying high up there, My Guardian Angel.