soul ties - jiara

Chapter 12

JJ's POV

Since that night at Kie's house, my routine has consisted of waking up, dragging myself out of bed to instruct the kids, taking drugs to forget my miserable life, and go meet the pogues. Meeting the pogues meant I had to face David. Even worse, I had to face David with Kie. So to forget how much it sucks I proceeded to consume more drugs. It was a vicious cycle which I was not proud of but it was the only way I knew how to cope with the situations around me. All I had to make sure is that people don't find out. Especially Kie. I feel jittery all the time, even enthusiastic. I just need to put up a facade for four hours every day. I was not about to spend another month of my life in rehab. And I was not about to disappoint my friends again. They don't get how much better this makes me feel. They do not know that drugs are the only thing making my life bearable right now. It takes everything in me to not do it every time I wake up, but I am not an asshole enough to give little kids classes while being high. It had been a week since this has been my routine. I only met with the pogues so that they don't suspect anything. I used to hang out with them at other times of the day but I couldn't risk it knowing how high I was. They would figure it out. And then they would send me to rehab again. And they would tell Kie which was the worst outcome possible. 

As I finish my classes for today, I quickly gather all my things to leave. I had a little meeting with my dealer. That dealer was Broty, a guy my cousin Ricky knew. At first, he only sold me some weed but it got to a point where I needed something a bit stronger after Kie left.

"Hey, man." he greets me quickly. He might be a drug dealer but he is a nice guy. He knew my cousin Ricky and he has been dating some pogue girl for a few years now. No one would ditch him since he was a cool guy making us all a favor. Either If you were a pogue or a kook you would know better than spilling the beans to the police. If you paid him on time and were nice to him, he would give it back to you. He could even become some sort of friend, which was what happened with me and him.

"Hey!" I greet him.

"Same as usual?" he asks me. The usual is a weed which was what he had been dealing with me since my teenage years. 

"Actually..." I whisper closer to him. "Do you have something stronger?" he looks at me confused.

"Yeah, sure, man." he shows me some pills and some bags with white powder. "You sure, though?"

"Yeah, I'm sure!" I smile at him.

"Listen, man, I've known guys who lost themselves to this," he warns me. How cute a drug dealer warning me about drugs.

"Don't worry about that. I have a lot of money now man don't turn this offer down." I joke.

"Yeah, JJ, Im just worried. I mean look at your dad, dude..." he warns me again

"Hey, don't go there." I warn him. "Look I give you the money, you give me the product. You got me?" he nods and eventually gives me some cocaine.

 When he heard I had gone to rehab he never sold me drugs again. He swore he only would sell me weed from that point on. So I had to get a little bit more persuasive for him to sell them to me again. Let's just say that everyone has a price. I showed him an interesting amount of money for his product and convinced him to sell it to me. That's what I have been doing for the past week. 

"JJ!" John B runs towards me. I immediately gather my things fasters to get the fuck out of here before he reaches me. I pretend I don't listen to him. He eventually is able to reach me. Fuck. "Hey. bro. Are you pretending you don't know me?" he jokes while smacking my arm. Flashbacks of my dad hitting me come into my mind. Suddenly I can't control myself and I push him. He falls into the sand.

"Don't touch me, John B!" I greet my teeth.

"What the fuck, dude!" he yells. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" he inquires me. I'm frozen, I can't believe I have done this. The drugs I consume make me a little bit more violent. I stare into him, paralyzed. He gets up and comes closer to me slowly, just to make sure I won't freak out again. Worries fill his eyes. "You good, bro?" he asks me. I can't believe I just pushed this guy into the sand and he's asking me If Im doing okay. I don't to call this guy my best friend.

"I'm sorry, I just really need to get somewhere." I say swiftly storming off. 

After that little argument with John B, I met immediately with Brody. This meeting was exactly what I needed t make sure my stress would go away.

"The usual?" Brody inquires.

"Two more bags than that," I say.

"Man..." he whispers.

"Just so we don't have to meet that often, don't worry dude," I tell him.

"Yeah, sure..." he lamely takes my excuse.

"I'm fine, man!" I reassure him.

When I arrive at the empty place I call house, the ache in my heart takes over me. Moments and memories washed with Kie all over them, surface in my mind. She never officially moved in but she spent more time here than at her parent's house. She would crash here every night she would even buy groceries. We would dance around the kitchen while she was wearing nothing but her underwear and my t-shirt, we would cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner together and then get too distracted with each other to have it. We would make love in every single corner and sing together in the shower. When she went away I never got the courage to get rid of the place. I was afraid that I would lose all the mental images I had of her. Afraid of losing the only piece of her left in me. Afraid of losing the only thing I was ever able to call home. This internal monologue increases my desire to consume the drugs I just bought.

 Since It was almost time to get to our daily dinner at John B's and Sarah's house, I proceed to get ready. Before I leave the house, I  sniff a line of the white powder that is safely rescued in a tiny bag in my back pocket. I don't take the bag out of there just in case David gets too unbearable.

As I reach the front yard, the effect of the drugs take over me. Thank fucking God. I swear that after that little threat from dipshit David itself, this is the only I get to cope with these little dinners. Once I reach the actual living room where everyone is I immediately run into John B which looks at me with worry. The whole time I spend here feels like a hallucination. Just like Im watching from outside of my body. I look at Kie and the pain is not as miserable as before. Do I actually like taking drugs? No.  Do I love that life is less painful? Fuck yeah. Do I love that my heart doesn't ache every time I look at Kie? Yes. Do I love that I gain the willpower to not kill David every time I see him? Yes, for Kie's sake. Do I love that thinking about my shitty father is not as miserable? Yes. This is a way of coping with all these insufferable thoughts and I would love for anyone to understand. Every minute and hour I have to spend at this daily dinner with someone who wasn't supposed to be here in the first place becomes not as unpleasant as they once were. It numbs everything. Once I make up my mind that the time I spent here was enough (except the drugs made me lose track of any sense of time I used to have) I get ready to leave. I say goodbye to everyone. I think I fooled everyone besides John B, which is expected after our moment this morning. Good job, JJ. As I leave I hear someone running after me. I fasten my pace not wanting to face any type of conversation. As I walk faster the little bag in my back pocket falls to the floor. When I actually realize what fell after my slowed-out brain filled with drugs I turn around to pick it up. Except I am too slow because someone else got there before me. Kie stares at me with the bag in her hands.

"What is this, JJ?" she inquires while tears fill her eyes.