soul ties - jiara

Chapter 16

JJ's POV

I never intended for her to find out, especially how she did. When I first went to rehab I begged every one of them not to tell her. They didn't. I never wanted her to know but if she eventually had to find out I didn't want it to be on her own. I imagined her finding out in a distant future by chance, just because the topic made it into the conversation and not while I had full-on started to consume drugs again. Living with the demons in my head wasn't an easy task, so once I had the opportunity I tried to push them away with some sort of powder. I also wanted to avoid thinking about how I fucked up with the person my heart has ever cherished the most. After rehab, I never consumed them again but seeing Kie with another pair of arms around her broke me all over again. The thing is, I wanted all of those feelings to go away as much as I wanted Kie to never experience again what she felt when the little bag was in her trembling hands. I had to choose between my head and my heart. Between shutting off my demons or stopping for Kie. Pope made it very clear that he knew that Kie was the only person who I would listen to fully. He was right. When we started the heavy conversation, I couldn't control my emotions as they expressed themselves as sobs. And when Kie told me "If healing some part of you means I have to break a part of me I would do it in a heartbeat. For you, I would break myself over and over again." I knew that at that moment I had to be honest with her about my thoughts. She pushed me to be a better person and to have the conversation I had been avoiding for so long.

"Please talk to me." she begs while holding her gaze on me. One of her hands holds the right side of my face carefully caressing it. Her begging turns into a physical act when she does this. "That's all I ask." she pleads once again. What she confessed to me, that she would ruin herself for me, I know I owed it to her. At this point, I'm pretty fucking sure any drugs that once were on my system had vanished, by now. Seeing her desperation, and how raw her emotions were there handed in a plate to me, it sobered me up. I had to do a lot of self-reassuring to be able to start pouring my thoughts.

"My dad is an addict. You know that. I don't recollect any memories where my dad wasn't drinking or consuming some sort of drug. I just grew up around it. And I saw the damage it did. I saw all the aftermath of self-destructing. I am almost sure my mom was a victim of the behavior my dad decided to ingress on. On the other side, I am pretty damn well sure I am the biggest victim of that. I lost my mom to the drugs my dad consumed and I lost him for consuming them. He either beat the living shit out of me because he wasn't under the influence or he was inconscient because he was very much under the influence. From a young age, I swore I would never take them. I swore I wouldn't be like him, you know?" her gaze softens, feeling deeply affected by my rhetorical question.

"J, you're nothing like him!" she scream whispers, her voice breaking. "I promise." she pleads.

"I'm actually surprised I didn't turn into them earlier. Living with the constant physical abuse from my father and his constant negligence was exhausting. I would feel this literal ache in my heart when it started to beat at a very fast pace. Being poor sucked too, but I found comfort in you guys, in our treasure haunts. I found comfort in hoping for better days. When we found El Dorado and I finally got the girl of my dreams I was okay. Although, all the shit I had to go through in the past still haunted me. I would still feel that unbearable emotional pain. When we broke up, I felt that I had nothing to live for. The ache became stronger and heavier day by day. I bought the drugs and took them immediately. When I felt the numbness, the out-of-body euphoric experience I was sold. For the first time, the pain that came with my memories wasn't heavier than anything. For the first time, I got to understand my father. Because the drugs covered my demons." I admit to her, my hands shaky, my breath hitching. Her eye wandered ame listening carefully. "I started to choose the drugs over you guys. I started to choose them over me. Because I hated who I was without them." I admit to her being ashamed of what I did.

"And when they found out?" she inquires me carefully making sure I am ready to talk about it. She squeeze my hand reassuring me to open up.

"They didn't find out, truly, for 3 months. I did them kind of freely for those months. Of course, they would notice my jittery behavior and mostly my violent one. I was getting into fights, I would talk back really badly to them. I isolated myself. At this point, I still wasn't teaching the surfing lessons since this was only a month after you left. The breaking point was when I punched John B like a really full-on beat him. Sarah just knew that something was very wrong. She was pretty straightforward about it." I tell Kie.

"JJ!" she yelled at me furiously. "What the fuck is wrong with you? You're picking random fights with teenagers, you're talking bad with us, and you're beating your best friend!" She screamed at me while being crunched down caressing John B's face with a broken nose given by me. She came closer to me staring closely into my eyes. My breath was going on swiftly, trying to control myself. I felt like breaking my whole house. My whole photo frames with my best friends and especially Kie since they just reminded me how much I was able to fuck every single thing in my life up. "Are you high?" she whispered trying to convince herself that maybe she was wrong. Deep down she knew she was right, though. Through gritted teeth, she inquired me again "Are you fucking high? " I still gave her no answer. "JJ answer me right now!" she yelled making me flinch. I still didn't give her a response. As I didn't reply back she started searching my whole house. At this point, John B was already up so when I tried to go after Sarah to stop her, he stood in front of me.

"Don't even think about it!" he literally made a human wall in front of me forbidding me from reaching Sarah. After a lot of searching and messing with my house, she found one of the bags I kept on my bedside table. Just right on top of a polaroid of me and Kie kissing.

"What is this?" she asked me. "Uh?" she pushed the bag in front of my eyes. "Are you going to lie now?"

"Babe, calm down." John B came closer to Sarah pushing her away from me. "Don't be so tough on him, ok?"

"He's destroying his life, John B!" she yelled at her boyfriend now.

"Because he is going through a dark time, Sarah." he retorted at his girlfriend. "And we're going to help him. That's our job." he added.

"After they found out, they decided to send me into therapy. Sarah knew one specialized in addicts. I didn't want to admit that I might be one. I didn't want to admit that I had just turned into the same thing as my father. Therapy didn't work though. She basically kicked me out of her office. She couldn't help me when I didn't want to be helped. Which was true. I was in denial and I couldn't bring myself to be convinced to stop. So they had to send me to rehab. It was hard. I didn't want to go but they forced me to. We had group therapy which made me find out about even more fucked lives than mine, we had some activities but mostly we had a support group. People were there because they felt the same need as me. Because their demons were eating them alive. I stayed there for a month and it was life-changing. I felt better, and more mentally stable. When I got out I felt like a different person. I got my shit together, I got the instructor job and was spending more time with my best friends. But the hardest part about being an addict is staying sober. It's the every day life where you have to forbid yourself from taking them when they're only thing that can help you fight your intrusive thoughts. It's also a pain in the ass when you have some sort of ache and you can't even take a normal pill." I laugh trying to lighten the mood. I avoid looking into her eyes since I know her are filled with tears. "When I saw you again, the pressure got the best of me. I started thinking about the drugs and it seemed like a good idea. It stopped me from thinking about you and you know who..." I admit to her not wanting to hurt her feeling. I might hate David but he still was her boyfriend, unfortunately.

"I'm sorry about not being there for you. I'm sorry that you feel that way and that you have to deal with the repucarssions of your past. I promise I will be here for you, from now on. When you feel like caving in and giving up, call me immediately. And please promise me that you will choose me over them." she apologizes while tears fall down her face.

"I promise." I say to her but even though she's the person I love the most the drugs are the things I love the most. And it will take everything in me to choose between them. She grabs me and hugs me tightly.