soul ties - jiara

Chapter 15

Kiara's POV

When I got home from Sarah's and John B's I didn't even bother coming inside to check if David was awake. My parents were still out of town for a little getaway trip, so I didn't even have to worry about them realizing that I and David were fighting. He was the last of my preoccupations, currently. Everything I cared about was helping JJ. Trying to get him to open up about what he was feeling and what was motivating him to get to the point of actually consuming drugs. Consuming them again. I also wanted him to talk to me about how he first got into them after I left and about his experience in rehab. I wanted him to be able to talk about these things with me, and not bottle them up inside of him. I wanted him to know I was here for him, for the best and, especially, the worst. I was here now and he could rely on me. Sitting here all alone on my parent's front porch I thought about his look when he figured out I was onto him. His shaky behavior. The ache in my heart. The tears in both our eyes. Because at that exact time, we knew we weren't there for each other through one of the hardest times in our lives. For the first time, we were away from each other while going through hell. The joint I was smoking and the smoke that was consuming my lungs helped my head become a little bit more relaxed. As I reflect on all the events that took place tonight, I hear a car coming up in the driveway. It was Pope's car. He was the one assigned to go check up on JJ and try to put some sense into him. But if Pope was here it must mean that something went wrong. That JJ stormed off and wasn't at home or nowhere to be found. Or maybe he was hurt. No, no, no. I get up quickly while rubbing out the joint. I look into Pope's car and the passenger door opens. JJ gets out of there. I don't care about what happened tonight or if he was mad at me or if I was pissed at him. I run into him throwing my arms around him, just being grateful for him being safe.

"J..." I whisper while hugging him. "I'm so glad you're okay". I tell him.

"Kie..." he whispers squeezing me into his body.

"Shh, let me just make sure you're safe for a little longer." I place my hands on both sides of his face taking a long look at his features. Making sure he was still here in front of me. Pope gets out of the car and makes his way in our direction. He stays there contemplating the sight of me and JJ. I look at him and hug him. "Thank you," I tell him. "Thank you for making sure he's safe."

"Don't worry about it, Kie." he says while hugging me back.

"You're the best, Pope." I show him my gratitude. "Seriously, I don't know how you do it." I laugh.

"And I'm still trying to figure out how you can put any type of sense in his head." he admits whispering in my ear with a light chuck. He probably didn't want JJ to listen to what he had to say. He pulls away from the hug looking carefully into my eyes. "Kie, listen carefully. We all think you're the only one who can make get this shit out of him. You're the only person he lets himself completely rely on. Please, try to get him to talk." he says in a low tone. He begs me like they are all living a nightmare all over again. they all have been through this once and I needed to make sure they didn't get through it a second time.

"I will don't worry!" I make sure Pope knows I'm going to try my best at making this right. Im going to make up for the time I was away. "Thank you for bringing him here." I thank him once again. He swiftly hugs me again and immediately makes his way into his car. Before actually getting in the car he adds:

"I'll be here, waiting." he tells directing his speech to JJ. JJ nods his head towards Pope agreeing with whatever he has to offer.

"There's no need for that. Ill take care of him, don't worry!" I tell Pope. "You can go home and relax!" I assure Pope.

"But I can't stay here. David and you parents...." JJ stutters while directing full words to me for the first time this whole time. He whispers the words as if he's afraid of talking to me.

"I got you, J." I stare into his ocean eyes making sure he feels reassured and safe. "Don't you worry about any of that?"

"I'll go then." Pope announces. "If any of you need anything done hesitate to call me, okay?" he once again reassures us.

"Thank you." I and JJ whisper at the same time. Pope gets the car and gets into the car, and drives away.

"So...." I say.

"So..." he says at the same time. We both chuckle. Somehow the words are stuck for the both of us. As an effect of that, the awkwardness settles between us. Neither I nor he knows how to manage these types of feelings or how to approach the start of this conversation. There are so many topics to talk about, and so many hidden and unknown situations to decode. I sit on the stairs of my parent's front porch. He sits beside me. A settling silence installs itself between us. Just like the silence is filling every inch between me and JJ. "I'm sorry for storming off." he whispers lightly.

"J, I'm desperate here." I admit. " When I saw that bag and my brain deciphered what it actually was, I froze. My heart stopped right there. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I wanted to scream at you, hug you, slap you, or try to kiss your pain away." I find myself admitting to him.

"Kie..." he says.

"No, please let me finish or I won't have the gut to keep talking. If I stop talking right now my emotions won't allow me to keep going." My voice breaks. " At that moment, I saw it in your eyes. I saw that you chose to self-destruct. That you chose drugs over us. Over me. I was furious. I was even angry when you walked away from me." tears fall now down my face. "I fucking cried out of anger. They had to get me out of the front porch. I sent David away. I couldn't bear to look at him. I snapped at them. I even snapped more because I didn't understand why they were so calm. And then they told me it wasn't the first time. They told me about your previous intake. Then they proceeded to tell me about rehab. And I felt hopeless. I felt terrible. Because the first thing I thought was that it was my fault. I thought it was all on me. And I felt this unbearable ache in my chest that I didn't do shit to help. The guilt building up inside of me made me want to look for the fastest solution to help you. To rescue you from doing that terrific act of self-harm." I get all of the words out of my head. "I need you to stop JJ before it gets too dangerous. I need you to open up to someone about your demons. That needs to get out of your system, for good. Because the drugs won't solve the problem, they will only cover up the hole. But the hole will still be there. And then the drugs will turn into a bigger problem." When I turn over into his side, I grab both his hands into mine. I rest them on my lap, to make sure he won't slip away from me. To make sure he carefully listens to me."I'm afraid of losing you to them. I'm afraid of losing you, J. I can't live without you. I can live knowing that I wasn't here for you, that I lost you to them. Don't fucking let go of me, J. Please." I beg him, desperate as I told him previously. His bright blue eyes stare into mine. He has been crying for my whole time speaking, which is good. When he cries he lets it out which enables me to get in. To go through the almost unbreakable wall he has built inside his heart. One of my hands reaches his face. I didn't care about how this looked like. All that mattered to me was him. "I know how hard it is for you to open up. You can't get yourself to open up to a professional. I'm no professional myself but I know that maybe I'm the only person you'll let in, partly, into your menacing thoughts." he fully on sobs now. His pain is breaking through the walls.

"I can't let you in into this, Kie. I'm afraid I'll break you. That's all I ever wanted. To break you to a point where is irreversible." he breaks while telling. His sobs take over his speech and it hurts my heart to hear him put into words how badly he was hurting and that he cared for me to the point of not wanting to allow me to get in. The thing is I still freaking cared for him, hard. I never stopped caring. He needed to understand I wasn't going away because of this. That I would never run away from him. No matter what.

"I don't care about any of that. If healing some part of you means I have to break a part of me I would do it in a heartbeat. For you, I would break myself over and over again." I admitted to him. Because that's what you do when you love someone as much as I love the person in front of me. You'll ruin yourself if that meant rescuing them from the dark place installing itself in their head.