soul ties - jiara

Chapter 20

JJ's POV

The events that happened last night were enough to emotionally drain every single drop out of me. It started with me feeling so fucking miserable that I wanted to drain myself on every drug I could find. Then Kie found out about the drugs, which made me feel the guiltiest I had ever felt. I had already broken her heart once and that hurt like hell. But yesterday, I saw the heartbreak unravel in her eyes. That made me want to die. seeing her hurt had to be just as worst as I felt daily. If Pope hadn't come to meet me and eventually convince me to go make amends with Kie I would probably have taken a very unhealthy amount of whatever powder I could find in my stash. I had always thought about death since I was young. I found comfort in things like self-medication but I never got to a point of overdose. But, my pain was consuming me so much yesterday that It could've ended like that. When I saw Kiara's face after the argument, my guilt took over me. She was devastated and I couldn't imagine how she would've felt if she knew what I had planned to do. And then we talked about all that went down when I went through rehab and why I had relapsed this time. I made her a promise I didn't know I could keep. I was afraid that my love for drugs would beat the love I feel for Kie. Unfornetnly the matter of me spending the night over had been a topic of discussion between her and David and let me tell you that I hated how he talked to her. Despised it. And then just as I went to make sure everything was okay, she was there in front of me. So fucking kissable. But I couldn't, I could not kiss her. We ended up staying up chatting about our lives but eventually I guess we both fell asleep. I didn't remember the last time I had slept this peacefully. Between all of the freaking nightmares and the itch my brain had to relapse, I couldn't remember a single night I had slept this well since she left. Today waking the first face I saw was hers and I couldn't express in words how thrilled that made me feel because she was undeniably my favorite person in the whole world. The thing was the immediate instant I laid my eyes on her I could detect the anxiety coming out of her fucking body. Her breath was unsteady and she couldn't form simple sentences. My heart stopped but I didn't freeze this time. This time I helped her and did as she asked me. I grabbed the pill bottle on the counter, which must have been her anxiety medication, and gave it to her. I must have stared into the bottle way too long because she snatched it out of my vision before I could even process what I was doing. If she hadn't taken that out of there my impulsive brain probably would have stolen a few of those before I left. She then frantically started removing every single pill bottle in the house and that's when my heart sank deep. For the first time, I saw the personification of drugs hurting someone besides me. At that exact moment, I knew that no matter my unbearable feelings or nausea or headache I would try to stay clean. For her.

We were now sitting in her car, while she took us to teach the 8 am class I had to teach. She was coming with me to give it. It felt good to know I could count on her for something as simple as teaching a surfing class. The radio was playing "Iris" by the Too Goo Goo Dolls, lightly while she murmured the lyrics.

"And I'd give up forever to touch you/ Cause I know that you feel me somehow." she sang along to the lyrics and wondered if she knew how much they resonated with me. I would do everything to be able to go back and touch her like I used to. Also, she somehow got me every single time. It's like we were connected. Like our minds were connected and we felt what the other felt. I guess that souls tied like ours just worked like that.

Pope and Cleo invited us to check out their new house and as a celebration, we all had too much to drink. Especially me and Kie. Pope's parents agreed to be the ones to get every single one of us safe at home. I don't know how I and Kie would be able to come back, otherwise. Gosh, we even struggled to open the door to my apartment. As we stumbled across the entrance we would steal some sloppy kisses from each other, too crazy in love to resist. When we finally made it to my bedroom which was practically our bedroom by now she fully let herself crash into the mattress. I don't know how I managed to take my shoes and shirt off but I did, before doing the same thing as she did. We couldn't contain the waves of laughter coming from us. If someone had seen us at that moment they would have thought that we were maniacs. I roll on top of her and put my hand on her soft hair.

"I fucking love you, Kiara Carrera." I admit to her while caressing her hair.

"Oh J you shouldn't have said that." she laughs. "Now you're stuck with me." she kisses my nose.

"I don't mind being stuck at you." I admit while feeling my heart wanting to jump out of my chest due to how much love it possesses for this girl.

"Good, 'cause soul ties like ours are precious. Soul ties like ours are unbreakable so I guess we really are stuck with each other, JJ Maybank." she tells me in the softest way possible. I didn't think I could fall in love harder with her but every time she proves me wrong. This was the most stunning thing someone had ever told me, but it was true. What we had, our connection was very fucking special. From the very first moment, we laid eyes on each other our souls knew they were meant to be together.

"I promise you, that our souls are tied forever. This right here is unbreakable." I tell her and then proceed to kiss her deeply.

We might have had a lot to drink but I could never forget this conversation.

All I could do was stare at her singing along, all of her gorgeous features shining with the sun newly risen and the wind blowing in her curly hair. Suddenly she directs her speech toward me.

"Can I ask you something?" she inquires me softly.

"Sure." I look at her, nodding my head.

"If I'm being too pushy or dumb..." she stutters. "You can tell me to fuck off but like..." I could tell she was embarrassed asking me this which made me want to laugh since she was being so cute and careful with the way of asking whatever question she wanted an answer for. "Like, based off of what I have seen in movies and shit when people uhm... consume drugs and then when the high eventually comes down they start shaking and throwing up and all of that jazz..." fuck this was not what I was expecting. "I'm just wondering if you're feeling like that and you're just really good at hiding it, or if that type of side effects are bullshit." she stares at me waiting desperately for me to answer her. "You know what, I'll just shut up. I'm sorry." she guides her eyesight back to the road.

"No, It's fine!" I reassure her. " I just wasn't... expecting that." I admit to her.

"You don't need to answer, J." she makes sure I am comfortable. She always does. I've spent most of my life being uncomfortable and feeling unsteady and I have a feeling she is very aware of that.

"I want to be honest with you, Kie." "The side effects aren't bullshit. When I went to rehab I had been doing drugs for 3 months straight which meant I did them for like 90 days repeatedly. When my body didn't have the comfort it was used to it was a living hell. I was sweating and shaking and throwing up everywhere and I remember thinking that it was fucked up what drugs did to someone. But, I also kept craving them so fucking much that my brain would hurt. I didn't allow any of them to come and visit me, I didn't think it was fair for them to see me like that."

"Gosh..." she sighs and I can feel the sorrow come out of her words.

"As for now, I relapsed a week ago. So drugs didn't have enough time to provoke side effects as harsh as those but..." I begin to try to explain to her

"But you still feel like shit?" she asks just like she took a peek at my thoughts and poured it into a question.

"Yeah. I still crave them. Badly. I have this itch in my brain that it's unbearable and I can't seem to ever scratch it." I point into my head. "My head hurts because it's not used to being this heavy or straight, to be honest. My chest burns because all I want to do is consume them. I feel very uncomfortable, it just hasn't gotten to that point yet." I confess.

"Fuck, J..." she sighs. "That's..." she stutters since she can't seem to find the right words. "That's scary. I'm scared of losing you to them." She reveals. "it's just that... I need you clean. I need you to be okay. Or else I could never be okay myself." that confession adds guilt to my chest. Again, for the first time, I can see how much this shit is ruining the lives of the ones around me. When I went to rehab I saw how devastated Sarah was and how worried John B was. I could see the protection coming out of Pope and Cleo's chests. But with her? It hurt a hundred times worse. Seeing all of these wounded feelings come out of her.

"I made a promise to you, Kie. Im going to try to keep it. For you." I try to comfort her.

"Thank you." her eyes soften.

But how many times have I broken promises? Especially to her? I once promised to her that our soul ties were unbreakable, but I broke them. I hope I don't break this promise. I'm trying, and that's the best I can do.