So Much to Say

The Ghost We Kept

I remember when you told me

"Get my name out of your mouth"

But you rooted yourself so deeply into a relationship not of your own

That to talk of my relationship,

The one that I had been trying to fix

would be to talk of you

Because whenever I would look at her

Her eyes would be firmly planted on you

Her thoughts most likely consumed

By memories that only the two of you would share

I remember telling my girlfriend

now ex

that I did not want to start anything with you

not with me and her still being in the early stages

but the insistent phrase

"you two should kiss"

said in different orders but with words added or subtracted

said in a teasing manner but meant seriously

seeing that spark of joy that glint of happiness

every time she said it

made me finally give In

because it would make her happy

make her smile

so I let myself fall into it

I kept the guard from my heart down

and eventually it became something I wanted as well

self-centered she called me

when all I ever wanted was to make her happy

make her smile

it always brought a sparkle to her eyes when she did

I remember when I would have given anything

to see that spark

everything I did in our relationship

I did for her

and yet it wasn't enough

I write all this to say

that when it comes to my life

and my conversations

I will keep your name from my mouth

even now as I write a of you

not once has your name slipped from my lips

nor will it ever

but when it comes to the relationship I had

that should not have been any of your business

I cannot and will not

keep your name from it

because your name is smacked right in the center of it all