paper rings

She's gone..

17th July 2017 Bristol

She was gone. My mom died..

She was a fighter. The past two years she tried everything but lost the fight against the cancer. She never lost her smile, even at the worst days.

Fuck you cancer.

To be honest.. at this point I have no idea how to keep going. It feels like my heart got ripped out and I'm unable to breath without her. I never felt so lost and helpless as me and my Dad sat next to her hospital bed, holding her hand while she took her last breath.

I knew this day would come.. The past weeks she was feeling weaker from day to day. I tried to be strong but the second she closed her eyes forever I broke down in my fathers arms. We sat crying next to her bed not ready to letting her go just yet.

Back at home we were even more lost. It was too empty just like me, at this point I couldn't even cry anymore.

It was still early in the evening as we came back home. I just sat down on our couch wearing one of her hoodies, that smelled like her. My dad had to call the family and closest friends to let them know.

I send only one message to my very best friend 'she's gone..'.

It took only four minutes for him to come over to our place. We lived very close to each other. He was the only one I needed and the only one I wanted to see right now. We were always inseparable. He was my everything. I had another guy best friend but he was my closest.

As soon as he saw me he ran over to me and pulled me into his arms. I broke down. His arms are my safe place for as long as i can remember.. He hold me for the next hours till my dad asked him to leave because he wanted to talk to me about something.

Little did I know that this moment would change everything.

My guy best friend left and I felt numb again. empty. helpless. insecure.

My dad sat down next to me "This will sound more then crazy but I need you to understand that I'm doing this for us"

I look at him confused "What..?"

"We're moving to Monaco."

I don't know what to say i'm just sitting there staring at him.

"I planned everything out. We need a clean cut from here. Staying here with all the things that will remind us of her will drag us even deeper down then we already are."

I can't really process what he's saying so I just sit there nodding. "When?"

"Now"

I'm shocked and my eyes widen "What..?"

"Our cab will be here soon.. you can pack your most important things together. The rest will be shipped over later."

"Okay but I have to explain all this to-"

"Please pack your bag alright?"

I just nod and pack everything together as fast as I could so I would have enough time to stop by at my best friends house. I run downstairs with my bag and see my dad already waiting for me.

"It's time to go" he says with a sad smile on his lips. God i've never seen him this tired..

"But Dad i need to tell him otherwise-"

"The cab is here.." he takes my bag and walks to the cab.

Everything happens so fast that it took me till the airport to realise that I forgot my phone at home. "Dad we have to get back I forgot my phone I need to call -"

"I'll buy you a new one I promise"

"But I don't have his number then!" I start to panic.

"I know sweetheart but maybe it is for the best.."

"What are you saying? He's my best friend. Dad I need him.."

"You'll find new friends in Monaco. I'm so sorry.. maybe you'll understand me in a few years time.."

I can't proceed what's happening so I let it slide. We arrive at our new apartment in Monaco. It was beautiful no doubt but all I wanted was to go back home..

19th July 2017, Monaco

I did what I was doing the past days. I run.

I get up in the morning putting my headphones in and heading out as fast as possible. I jogged for most of the time thru Monaco to mute my thoughts and feelings. I was mad at my Dad for doing everything that lead us here and broken because I missed my mom more then anything. Not beeing able to talk to my boys back home makes everything even worse.

After jogging for about three hours straight I get back to my favourite place in Monaco so far. The beach. The blue of the ocean reminded me of home...

Just as I walked to a more hidden spot at the beach where I always hid as I see someone sitting there. A brown haired boy somewhat around my age I guess. I decide to still go there.

I get closer and since he's with his back to me I say "Hey.. I hope I don't bother you but-" I stopped talking because I saw him turning around with tears all over his face.

He quickly wipes them away and tries to put on a smile "Uhm no its fine"

I sat down next to him "I'm Victoria"

"Charles" he said. The pain in his eyes was just too familiar.

"I'm sorry for your loss" I say and he gives me a questionable look.

He breaks the silence after a few minutes "Is it that obvious?"

"Not for everyone, no."

"Then why did you know?"

My eyes tear up as I look up to him trying to smile.

He nods "I'm sorry for your loss too"

We both just sat there in silence. Both trapped in our thoughts and pain.

The time passed by very fast as I realised it was already getting dark. I got up and told him that I have to leave now. I wished him a night without nightmares because that's what I personally wished for myself. He wished me a good night then I left.

We did that the rest of the week.

We came there in the morning and left as soon as the sun was about to set. We didn't talked a lot but somehow we understood each other anyways. We sat there in silence, both crying when the feelings took over again.

Somehow he made me feel safe.

When he didn't came to the beach the whole weekend it hurt. I don't know why but with him the pain was a bit more bearable.

On Monday I wasn't able to go to the beach because my dad wanted me to stay in with him. We didn't really talked because we were both suffering too much but spending the time with him felt good, even tho i was still mad.

As I went to the beach on Tuesday morning I was alone once again. That was until I heard a familiar french voice behind me "I'm so so sorry I had to work last weekend and I didn't manage to-"

I cut him off by hugging him tight. I was a bit scared that he wouldn't hug me back because we theoretically didn't know each other but as he did I felt a glimpse of happiness for the first time since my mom left.

This Tuesday we talked. About everything. He told me that his dad also lost the fight against the cancer. We talked about our families, our biggest fears and our biggest dreams. I told him about everything that I had to leave behind at home. He listened and so did I.

From this day on we were inseparable.

*****

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