Stuck With Me: A Cad Bane Novel

Chapter 18

A/N: you guys don't suffer long with me as an author (unless it regards updates)

Warnings: nightmares, trauma,

Word count: 1206

You wake up with the familiar chill of fear slipping up your spine. It throws its coils around your mind, closing up your throat and strangling you, making the shadows in the room malicious monsters. Squeezing your eyes shut, you scoot back on the mattress and press your back to the frigid metal of the wall, but even that feels like a knife pressing into your flesh, forcing you against your will. Tonight, there's no cool chest pressed to your back, no arms wrapped tightly around your waist, no low voice to comfort you, and it's terrifying you. Sitting up, choking on a desperate gasp for air, you yank the blanket off you and huddle there on the bed, shivering, eyes wide open as you scan the darkness. Stars, it doesn't fucking matter that you've shaken off the dregs of your nightmare, your eyes are open and it's still just as horrifying. All you can think of is his absence, that he's not here, he's not here, he's not here.

And he probably hates you.

For what you said, for what you did... Maker, it hurts your head.

Tears prick at your eyes. You left him there, slumped in the pilot's chair, not even giving him a chance to speak, just walking out on him. Making him think that you were going to leave him, just for the cruel satisfaction of proving he needs you. And the things you said, the things you accused him of... Groaning, you scrub at your eyes, but all it does is aid the tears that stream readily down your face and onto the sheets. Sniffling, you swipe at your face and stand on wobbly legs. You need to see him, need to see if he's alright, need to tell him that you meant none of the words you'd said, and that stars, you're fucking stupid and -

The cockpit doors slide open with a hiss as you press the buttons in the panel set in the wall, and you wince against the silver moonlight, raising a hand to shield your face. Whipping around with the instincts of a bounty hunter, he turns in the chair, and you see his red eyes widen at the sight of you, his jaw go slack. You take a step forward, opening your mouth, trying to keep yourself from falling apart, if not for him, then for you.

'Cad, I didn't - '

'Izrin, I'm so - '

You both fall silent, startled by the sound of each other's voices, and then suddenly you're lunging forward, grabbing his shoulders and launching yourself at him. He stumbles back from where he stood up to yank you towards him, falling with a grunt onto the pilot's chair, his fingers gripping tightly onto your shirt, clutching at your shoulders and holding you tight to him as if he'll never let you go again. You can hear his rasping voice cracking as he repeats something in Durese like it's a prayer, chanting it over and over to you, the words muffled by the way he's got his face pressed into your neck.

'Shit,' you choke out. 'I'm sorry, Cad, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry - '

You're cut off by a sob that rips itself violently from your throat, and you cling onto him desperately, feeling the frantic pound of his heart through your shirt. Arms locked around his neck, you curl your legs around his waist, pulling him closer, needing to feel him, maybe to remind yourself that you're still here with him, or maybe to reassure him that you aren't leaving him. You can feel him trembling against you; his face is buried in your shoulder, slender fingers digging into your waist with an iron grip. He could be crying - you're not even sure if Duros can cry - but either way, you can hear his shaky, rattling breaths and feel the shudders that wrack his body, and you know that he's entirely exposed himself to you, in a way a hunter like him shouldn't.

His vulnerability reminds you of how you are when you wake from your nightmares, how he holds you, how he calms you, and you can't help but squeeze him tighter, dipping your head to lean your cheek against his cool scalp. His chest rattles, a long, drawn out sound, and he buries his face in your neck and pressing kisses to the soft skin there; they're not the salacious, hungry kind you're used to, but desperate, I - need - to - feel - your - skin - on - mine - or - I - will - fall - apart kisses, one of his hands reaching up into your hair, his fingers twining through the strands.

'Cad,' you choke out as you slip a hand under the hem of his shirt to rub his back. 'Cad, I - I'm sorry about what I said, I... I didn't mean any of it.'
He slumps against you, the tremors shaking through his body lessening. 'Izrin,' he whispers. 'Izrin, I don't fuckin' need an apology from ya, I'm jus' - jus' thankin' all the gods I know that ya want me fer a second longer.' He drops his face back onto your shoulder, collapsing against you. 'I - I'm sorry. I don't - don't deserve ya. I never wanted ya to - to feel trapped. It's yer right to do whatever ya want.' He takes a shuddering breath. 'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, i - izrin.'

The rasp of his voice sounds raw and vulnerable to you in a way that it has never done before, not even when he was telling you about his parents. He raises his head, and for a moment your eyes lock, and then he leans forward, pressing a kiss to your lips. It's so tender that for a moment you think it's just a brush of air, but no, it's him, it's Cad Bane, the infamous, deadly hunter, kissing you like you'll vanish if he touches you a moment too long.

It doesn't make sense.

It's unnerving you, the way he handles you, like you'll break at his touch, so you seize him and hold him there, not restraining yourself as you fit your lips to his. He reacts immediately, again himself as he grabs your hips, tucking you closer to him, and you relax into each other's arms, telling each other in touch what you won't dare say in words.

At some point, your eyelids start drooping, and he scoops you up and gets into his lumpy, narrow bed with you, his arms around your waist, his chest pressed to your back. A sleepy smile pulls at the corners of your mouth as he nuzzles his face into the back of your neck, and you reach down and interlock your fingers with his.

'I'm sorry,' he whispers into the dark. 'But it's dangerous, and I - I don't know what I'll do if ya get hurt, izrin.' He closes his eyes. 'And I can't let ya see me like that. Like a killer.'

A sleepy fog has descended over your mind, but you just register his last words, and you squeeze his hand under the blanket. His chest rattles, and you manage to squeeze out a few more words before you fall asleep.

'Can't scare me away that easily, Cad. You're stuck with me.'