as i lay by ur side
i close my eyes
feeling satisfied
feeling alive
yet i close my eyes
all i can see is ur pride
ur lust
my urge of wanting to die
screaming, fighting
not feeling alive
the 3 months in hell
the months i can hardly tell
the pain in my heart still wounded
but i still lay with you
with scars and bruises
they're all in my heart
all in my head
no one can see it
the damage that you left
but they don't understand
they don't know us
they don't see the way that you love
or the way you leave me w my hands filled with blood
red is all i can see
the day that you last left me
standing in the sidewalk as u kicked me out of ur car
driving away while i stood there crying with a broken heart
i've gotten skinner
i lost appetite
i couldn't eat for days
i stopped feeling satisfied
but the worse thing was
was that i didn't let u go
no matter i knew how much blood were in my hands
i kept asking for more
my heart wounded, shattered
but my heart craved more
and my heart couldn't let you go
love was all i wanted
love was all i needed
but as i lay by your side
i close my eyes
all i can see
is hurt, pain, and im terrified.
terrified of what you were gonna do to me
terrified of what you were gonna say
when u came back on valentine's day
i was scared to ignore you
so i replied to you, hoping that it would be okay
but i let you in again.
and i prayed and prayed.
every day we saw each other my hands would tremble
shaken by those 3 months i surely remembered
i think to myself
"is he gonna yell at me again?"
"is he gonna call me a bitch?"
"did i do anything wrong?"
"does he just wanna use me and move on?"
and then i walk into the car
and there i am looking at his face
my heart is beating out of my chest
full of fear and full of worry
but then he kisses me
and then i feel worthy
worthy of love
worthy of hope
maybe he can change
and we can be something more
but as i lay by your side
i close my eyes
and i'm terrified.
terrified of you.
terrified of the world.
and i pray as i closed my eyes
hoping that when i wake up
i don't see ur angry eyes
yelling at me
making me wanna die.
my heart is big
my heart is scarred
my heart is wounded
yet my heart is strong
every time ur lips come to mine
all that panic and worry is out of my mind
but after those 10 minutes
of love and lust
i lay by ur side
and i close my eyes
and there i am again
terrified.
