My Sin

Crying Empress

After the problem was solved the empress made his way to his palace pissed. Sometimes he just wanted to quit being the empress, but he knew that was impossible, so he could only take out his anger by crying like he always does. So while walking to the palace the empress was just silently crying, the emperor's eunuch who was passing by happened to see him and hurriedly went to report to the emperor.

"What? He was crying? Are you sure you saw clearly?" The emperor was dumbfounded when the eunuch reported this fact to him. Since the eight months the empress woke up from his fainting spell, he had never seen the empress cry.

"I am not lying your majesty, there were many others who saw it at well," The emperor's words made the eunuch nervous. It was a capital offense to lie to the emperor and he could lose his head because of it.

"Okay, okay. Help this emperor put his clothes on and tell some people to prepare the sedan. We will be going to the empress's palace," The emperor ordered.

"This lowly servant will immediately do so," The eunuch complied and immediately started preparing everything. No time was wasted, and a few minutes later, the emperor arrived at the empress's palace.

"The emperor had arrived!" A eunuch at the empress's palace announced, causing slight panic. This was unexpected but the maid and other servants nonetheless respectfully received the emperor.

"You may rise. Where is the empress?" The emperor asked his voice carrying a hint of worry that was never there when he used to speak to or about the empress.

"His majesty is inside," A maid responded while bowing.

"Okay, I will go see the empress," The emperor announced before making his way to the empress's chambers. As he got closer to the chambers he could hear frustrated sobs. Hearing the empress cry made two emotions that were very novel to him arise in his heart. He felt intense worry and the intent to kill whoever made the empress shed tears. He was surprised at himself for feeling such emotions. When was he this capable of worrying about somebody else? As he was thinking about it another frustrated sob brought him back to reality, and he hurriedly made his way to the empress's chambers.

"Empress, are you okay?" The emperor asked nervously. The scene in front of him shocked him. The always cold and strong empress now only had on his undergarment clothing while he lay on his side with a pillow on his face as he sobbed. The emperor felt like this scene was shocking and even a little sad, but a part of him also felt a little elated. This was the first time in eight months that he had seen the empress's vulnerable side.

"No, I am not okay! Do I look okay to you!?" The empress yelled in a sob. He didn't care if this person was the emperor. He is currently mad at the world. This could be one of his severe mood swings but he knew that at this point he was just tired of taking the blame for literally everything that happens in the harem. Why do people have to make life harder than it already is?

The emperor was shocked by the empress's yell. Even when the empress was raging at him, he had never seen him yell like this. Even if he did, it was never with such emotions. Even though he was shocked he still tried his best to talk to the empress and so he made his way and sat on the bed.

"You're right it's my fault for being blind and not noticing. If the empress wouldn't mind sharing, then I would be glad to listen to your complaints," The emperor knew that this time the empress was pregnant and kind of mentally unstable. Since the empress had agreed about him being part of his family and taking on the role of being a father, he started taking lessons about parenting and pregnancy. From what he had heard from the imperial physician this pregnancy was the empress's most unstable one. He didn't know why but the empress seemed frantic about this pregnancy. 

"My complaint is that everything is wrong and I hate everything and everybody. I hate you! I hate those pesky concubines! I hate this position! I hate myself!" The empress sobbed fiercely. He didn't like letting the emperor see him being vulnerable but the emotions he felt right now were not something he could control.

The emperor was once again taken about by the empress's reaction. Part of him was hurt hearing the empress say he hates him so resolutely but the reasonable part of him knew that he had no business being hurt by the empress's words because he deserved it. He looked at the empress one more time and finally took in what he was seeing. The empress had puffy red eyes, his nose was also red, and his face was swollen. His always neat white hair was now disheveled. He no longer looked like the dignified empress he had portrayed himself to be but more like a wounded animal that was tired of pretending to be fine. The emperor felt his heart ache to see the empress like that. The pain in his heart was so great that he started to feel like maybe he was sick. But remembering his dreams, it should be related to those dreams he had been having. 

Hearing another loud sob brought the emperor back to reality and he was panicked and confused about how to coax the empress. Remembering what the physician he hurriedly took the empress into his arms and coaxed, "It's fine to hate me and everything but how can you hate yourself? I know I am eight years late but I am sorry. Sorry is not enough for the things I've done to you and the pain I brought into your life." As he embraced the empress and ran his fingers through his hair. The empress was shocked and his first thought was to push the emperor but it felt like the heavy feeling he had been carrying for a long time slowly started to get lighter, so he could only lean in.

Seeing the empress was not rejecting him and even leaned in the emperor took his time coaxing him. "I've done you so many wrongs in life but you still were able to your hatred past you just so the kids could be with their father. Do you know how much strength that takes to do? Did you know how selfless that was? So how could you tell me that you hate yourself?" The emperor explains, his voice steady and genuine. While explaining his hands never left the empress's hair, and the empress was still in his embrace. The empress was surprised the emperor could say such words but in his heart, there were no fluctuations. He would have to be blind to fall into this poisonous cycle again. 

"Listen my empress. Every time you have a negative thought about yourself switch on to me. I can bear your hatred for the rest of my life. I am willing to repent for the rest of my life." The emperor instructed gently. "So if you ever had thoughts about you being ugly," The emperor didn't even finish and was cut off by the empress.

"Are sick in the head? Why would I ever think of myself as ugly?" The empress responded to the emperor with a disgusted face. The emperor's heart could only melt as he saw the puffy face of the empress who raise his head to rebuke him.

"Okay, I was wrong," The emperor laughed loudly. Though the empress had no feelings for the emperor he had to admit that laying in the embrace of his children's father had helped him soothe his emotions. 

"You're always wrong," The empress responded as he rolled his eyes. 

For the rest of the day the empress spent his time badmouthing the emperor. He talked so much that he was soon sleepy and fell asleep in the emperor's embrace. The emperor could only helplessly smile.

"You hate me, but you are making me fall in love with you? Is this your revenge? If it is, I hope this revenge never ends." The emperor whispered as he slowly laid the empress in bed. As he tried to get up the empress immediately held him down.

"I am coming back I going to get some oil to massage your feet," The emperor coaxed as he tried to pry off the empress's hands. As if hearing him, the empress let go. After a while, the emperor brought some peppermint oil and massaged the empress's feet. After he was done he washed up and got into the bed with the empress and slept in the outer area leaving space between him and the empress.