My Sin

Realization

"The emperor has arrived!" A eunuch announced, alerting the maids and the empress. Yet no one came outside to welcome him.

"Y-your majesty," The eunuch stuttered in fear.

"It's alright, the empress had just given birth so it's best for him to not come out," The emperor comforted with a smile before he walked into the chamber, but whether he was comforting himself or the emperor was unknown.

"My empress," The emperor called out.

"You're here," The empress acknowledged quietly, his voice hoarse.

"If you do not wish to see me, I will go and sleep in the kid's chamber you do not have to force yourself," The emperor said, his tone gentle, as he turned around to head back out.

"I hate you Yichen, I hate you so much," The empress sobbed.  This had been the only way he could comfort himself, the only way he could keep himself from remembering the harsh reality of being with the same man who caused him lifetimes of pain. All he could do was hate him and break down, but how long could this go on for?

"I'm sorry," The emperor apologized with a trembling voice as he stood still in front of the empress.

"What are you sorry about? How can the great emperor be sorry?" The empress laughed. He knew he was being unreasonable right now, but the emperor had been unreasonable to him for 998 lives, so can't he be unreasonable just for today?

"I am sorry that I hurt you when I was supposed to love you, I am sorry about our first night, I am sorry about being absent when you needed me the most, I am sorry for being a horrible husband, I am sorry for being a bad father, I'm sorry that it took me 999 lives to realize that you are my true love," The emperor chocked out between sobs his voice trembling with regret. "I am sorry that I was not strong enough to withstand a curse as weak as that, I am sorry that I ever said I loved someone else." As rambled words came out of the emperor's mouth he slumped even more, as if with each word a part of his soul was taken.

"Y-you found out?" The empress blurted out as he jumped up from the bed. If the emperor found out then..

"Do not worry empress, I will not force you to love me or use the excuse that I was under a curse for your sympathy. I had promised to love you for all eternity yet it only took a curse to stop me. I lived with and "loved" the same woman who killed my children and you for 998 lives, isn't it funny?" The emperor laughed, with tears in his eyes as he stumbled towards the empress. "Isn't it funny?" The Emperor repeated, his eyes hollow, barely keeping himself from falling to the ground. Only he knew the pain he was feeling right now.

The pain of hurting his most loved one, the pain of loving the person who hurt his most loved one. The person he had loved so much was trampled on by his own two feet because he was weak, weak enough to fall under such a weak curse. Even if the empress did come to terms and forgave him he would never be able to forgive himself. Just the thought of the things he did keeps him up at night. The pained face his lovely wife made when he coldly rejected him, his disheveled wife standing barefoot in the snow begging for him to see his children. How could he ever live knowing he did all this to his beloved?

His first instinct was to end his life once he found out, maybe it was because of shame, anger, or unbearable despair, but he realized his beloved lived with so much pain for hundreds of lives yet this much pain yet he was trying to take the easy way out? He hadn't begged him yet, he hadn't asked for forgiveness yet, yet he wanted to leave? The least he could do was live his pathetic life repenting no matter how long it took.

For the first time, the empress saw and recognized the despair that he always wore on his face on someone else in the dimly lit room, the emperor stood frozen, his elbows shaking as he slowly slid to the ground. The once lively gaze now mirrored a profound abyss, as if his soul had been drained of his light. Dark circles cast shadows beneath his eyes, a testament to restless nights and unspoken sorrow. The emperor looked soulless. He looked like someone who had lost the will to live.

Seeing his look surprisingly the empress did not feel pity or sorrow, he felt a sense of strange...delight. He remembered he had this look of despair on for 998th lives, yet the emperor only had this look at this moment. 

"Yes now that you've found out, what are you going to do?" The empress wiped his tears and sat down calmly. He was tired of being the one who did something, in all of lives he was nothing but a victim, so why should he still be the one suffering in this life too?

The empress's cold voice dealt another blow to the emperor. He didn't expect anything from the empress after all he was put through because of him, yet the empress's words mercilessly cut him down.

"I will make sure to fix everything. You don't have to love me, or even like me, just please...let me stay by your side," The sobbing emperor croaked out. 

"Isn't that a little too selfish?" The empress questioned calmly, but there was a subtle smile on his face.

"I know, you don't even have to meet with me, just looking at you once or twice is enough," The emperor pleaded his eyes not daring to meet the empresses.

Seeing his look the empress finally realized that this was no longer the cold emperor he knew, it was the same man who took him as his only wife, the man who had ever loved only him. But the empress once again did not feel sympathy, it was just a thought in his head. It took him living one of his lives differently for his 'beloved husband' to finally notice and be moved, so shouldn't he let his grievances out somehow?

"The emperor is joking, I am your lawful wife, you see me, be with me whenever you want, it's just that you won't receive my heart ever again." The empress stated before getting up, not giving the emperor another look.

The emperor sat on the ground mortified and pained yet he couldn't find fault with the empress. Just this was enough to shatter his heart yet the empress has died 998 times in his hands, the man and husband he once loved.  The emperor ridden with guilt and despair didn't even know how he made his way back to his palace, but he knew even if his wife would never forgive him, he needed redemption. He spent 998 lives hurting his wife, so he would spend 998 lives redemption and groveling to his wife to wife 

"Enuch Gao," The emperor called out.

"Yes Your Majesty," Enuch Gao responded respectfully.

"Fix up the torture chamber," The emperor ordered.

Clearly shocked eunuch Gao froze for a bit but without delay, he went and fixed up the torture chamber. This chamber hadn't been used for years, so for the emperor to fix it up meant some committed a grave mistake.

Hello my luveliessss! I am so sorry for the very late update but I am applying to colleges, scholarships and so on so I barely have time for my stories! But enjoy!