My Sin

Shame

The emperor remained standing outside Phoenix Palace.

When the shadow guard informed him that Hao Meng had entered, he had left the Hall of Supreme Harmony without a second thought. The generals had barely finished speaking before he was already halfway out the doors. He had crossed the palace faster than he had in years, every step driven by the same thought, to stop Hao Meng before he reached the empress.

Yet after finally arriving, he found himself unable to move.

His hand rested against the heavy wooden doors for a long while before quietly falling back to his side. He had rushed here in panic, but standing outside the hall, that panic slowly turned into something else.

Shame.

Compared to everything he had done... what right did he have to walk in and separate them?

He no longer doubted the empress. He had doubted him once before, and that single doubt had been enough to destroy them for lifetimes. He would not insult him again.

The emperor lowered his gaze. Compared to himself, Hao Meng's mistake seemed almost merciful. Hao Meng had broken one promise.

The emperor had spent years breaking them.

From inside the hall came the faint murmur of voices. He could not make out what they were saying. The doors were too thick, the distance too great. Every now and then he caught the sound of Hao Meng speaking, then the empress replying, but never enough to understand the words. He only understood there was no shouting, no porcelain breaking, no crying.

The quieter it remained, the more unsettled he became.

Without realizing it, his thoughts wandered where they should not have. Perhaps Hao Meng had finally explained himself. Perhaps the empress had understood.

Perhaps...

The emperor laughed softly to himself. Perhaps the empress had forgiven him. That would be reasonable, wouldn't it?

After all, Hao Meng had only abandoned him once. The emperor had chosen to wound him every single day.

The thought settled over him roughly. The emperor's lips parted soundlessly as his body fought for air that refused to come. A violent ache spread beneath his ribs, so sudden and so merciless that he doubled over before he even realized he had moved. One hand flew to the pillar beside him, gripping it hard enough that the rough wood bit into his palm, while the other instinctively pressed against his chest as though he could somehow hold his heart together.

It hurt.

God...

It hurt.

As though his heart was throwing itself against his ribs, refusing, absolutely refusing, to accept the future he had just imagined. His vision blurred. The corridor tilted.

For one horrifying instant, the emperor truly believed that if he remained standing there another moment, his heart would simply give out.

"Your Majesty!" The eunuch whispered in shock as he held up the emperor.

The emperor merely shook his head.

"I'm fine."

He waited until the tightness in his chest eased before speaking again, though this time his voice was so low it barely registered.

"If... if he truly wishes to be with Hao Meng..."

He stopped, as though the words themselves refused to leave his mouth.

After a long while, he smiled.

It was a smile that looked far uglier than tears.

"...Then let him."

He had promised himself.

If one day the empress found someone who could love him better than he ever had, he would let him go. He would grant Hao Meng rank, estates, honor, whatever was necessary so no one in the empire dared speak carelessly of the man standing beside the empress.

He would agree to anything.

As long as...

As long as the empress still allowed him to remain his husband. Even if it was only in name. Even if, one day, the empress loved another man more than he had ever loved the emperor. Even if the person who walked beside him, laughed with him, grew old with him... was no longer him.

He would not ask the empress to choose. He had already lost that right. If the empress truly walked out to him right now and wished to spend every waking moment with Hao Meng, he would personally prepare the decree.

If the empress wished to share his heart with another, he would never utter a word of complaint.

The emperor laughed softly.

No...

Even that was asking too much.

As long as the empress did not ask him to leave.

As long as, every once in a while, the empress still looked at him when they crossed paths in the palace.

As long as he was still given the right to ask, "Have you eaten?" and receive an answer.

As long as, on the coldest winter mornings, he could still remind him to wear another robe, even if the empress only sighed in annoyance before walking away.

As long as the empress did not mind his presence. As long as he was not hated.

That...

Surely that would be enough. The emperor lowered his head. His lips curved into a self-depreciating smile, as he suppressed his tears.

Another lie.

Because if the empress spoke to him once, he would long for twice. If the empress spared him one glance, he would begin waiting for another. If the empress allowed him to remain his husband in name, he would secretly begin hoping to sit beside him again.

His greed had always begun with the smallest things.

The first time he noticed the faint line at the corner of the empress's eyes when he smiled, he reached out without thinking, his thumb brushing lightly beneath it.

"What are you doing?"

The emperor only smiled.

"...Nothing."

At the time, he hadn't thought much of it. He had simply assumed there would be another line to find next year. And another after that. He had thought he would spend a lifetime watching the years leave their mark upon the face he loved.

Now...

The emperor lowered his head.

For a long while, he simply stood there, one hand braced against the pillar, his breathing uneven.  He had crossed half the palace without hesitation to stop Hao Meng.

He no longer had the courage to take another step.

"Wanyuan..." His voice was little more than a rasp.

The chief eunuch immediately stepped forward. "Your Majesty."

"Take me back."

The words came quietly, almost as though they had scraped their way out of his throat.

Wanyuan's eyes reddened at the sight of him, but he lowered his head without a word. "Yes, Your Majesty."

He carefully supported the emperor's arm, and together, they turned away from Phoenix Palace.

Not once...

Did the emperor look back.