Parents Vs Ninjas

Interrogation

My son was gone. My little David had been kidnapped by ninjas! His sister Hazel was still asleep in the bed next to his, thank goodness, but that did little to assuage the cold pit in my stomach.

I'd failed a lot as a parent, but never like this. My little David was gone, and despite being just a few feet away I hadn't been able to save him. Maybe I really didn't have what it takes. Maybe I just wasn't enough. I try to be a good mom, but I always make mistakes, and this was the biggest one yet. How could I ever make this right? They'd taken him.

They'd taken him!

The cold pit in my stomach squeezed tight even as it burst into icy flames of rage.

My son had been stolen!

Those ninjas had taken him, and I would make them all pay.

No, control my anger, I thought and began deep breathing reflexively. I could control my anger. I didn't have to lose it. I didn't have to sink into despair or give in to rage.

Deep breath in.

They took my son.

Deep breath–

THEY TOOK MY SON!

My mind raged even as my body went through the standard extraction from a room with a sleeping child. After silently closing the bedroom door, I stormed back to the living room.

My husband Peter stood over the miscreants with a katana and was hitting them on the head with the flat of the blade each time they tried to get up, like a giant-sized version of whack-a-mole.

"Where's my son?!" I whisper-screamed at the ninjas huddled on the floor.

I grabbed a bo-staff from one ninja and started beating at those stupid, thieving, sneaking kidnappers with it.

"Where?" Smashed an elbow.

"Is?" Knocked the air out of a stomach.

"My?" Bashed a knee.

"Son???"

I hammered away at heads, hands, spleens and stomachs. Ninjas cried out, clutching injured body parts and dropping back to the floor. Some tried to run, but if a toddler who's been asked what's in their mouth is the world's fastest land animal, what does that make the mother who chases them down? None escaped, the useless cowards. They got their thumps and bumps and lumps. I'd either get answers or revenge or both. One way or another I'd get my David back.

I don't know how long I whaled on them, but finally I felt a hand tentatively holding my aching arm and turned to find my husband, Peter. He was smiling, his expression somewhere between sympathy and fear.

"Honey? I think you've sufficiently put the fear of Mom into them. Can I talk to them now?"

I stepped back wordlessly, my bo staff raised menacingly. Wow, my arms hurt. Still, I smiled grimly. I might not be a good enough mom, but I could still have fun beating up kidnappers.

Peter stepped forward. "Well, guys? Anyone want to talk? I don't think I can hold her back for very long."

One ninja raised a shaking hand. "Ow. I'll talk. Just keep her from stuffing a diaper down my throat."

"Well, that'll depend on how much you can tell us."

"The ninjas who took your son were from our clan. We knew we only had a small window of time before other clans learned of your son's status as our prophesied The Silent But Deadly. Our multi-pronged attack worked, so your son is probably safely back at our ninja fortress by now."

"And where is it?" my husband demanded.

"I cannot say," said the ninja.

I stalked towards this infuriating informant, my bo staff held high.

The ninja flung up his hands to shield his face. "Wait! I don't know where it is, but it's programmed into the GPS on our ninja motorcycles! We brought some that are just outside the house!"

My motherly instinct told me that there was more he wasn't telling. "And what else have you failed to mention?"

The ninja gulped. "Our master had us leave those motorcycles there intentionally. If you proved strong enough to overcome us, he wanted to have you come to him so that he might defeat you himself."

I shared a look with my husband. Then, because telepathy is not a thing no matter how much I wish it were, he came over and we had a quick whispered conversation.

"So, whose clothes do you want to steal?" asked Peter.

"What? I was thinking that we need to find a babysitter for Hazel and Beth. Who knows how long we'll be gone?"

"Good point. I meant that we'll need to steal ninja robes to disguise ourselves. And this katana," said Peter, holding up the katana I'd taken, then lost. "For authenticity." He winked.

I'm sure authenticity was the entire reason my husband ended up with a cool sword. Right.

"Okay, honey," I said, rolling my eyes. "What about Wilma?"

"She's out of town," said Peter. "Cousin Freddy?"

"He's got cats, and Hazel's allergic," I said. "Janet?"

"Worth a shot," said Peter, "You call her while I tie up these ninjas."

"What are we going to do with those bozos, anyway?" I asked.

"Well, they were breaking and entering and parties to a kidnapping. How about we let the authorities deal with them?"

"Sure, after I get us a babysitter."

After discovering that Janet was dealing with the double whammy of diarrhea and vomiting, I spent the next five minutes calling every other possible babysitter on my list. No dice. As always, the hardest part of any activity as a parent is finding a babysitter. Once I reached ten minutes and the end of my list, I finally accepted that we'd just have to take the kids with us.

Peter and I changed into matching black ninja robes.

"Look!" said Peter, pointing at his belt, "Now we literally have our black belts in parentjutsu!"

Using every bit of my stealth, I put the still-sleeping Beth in a wrap on my chest and I helped put Hazel into a harness on Peter's back. She woke slightly in-transit, but hopefully the ride would help her fall back to sleep. Few things knock out a kid faster than a long drive.

After a quick call to the police, I reminded the tied-up ninjas of my threat to force-feed them a diaper each unless they confessed their crimes.

We left a trail of signs leading from the ninjas to our front door and then posting an extra-large sign that said "Bad guys this way!" with an arrow pointing to our house, kind of like how you advertise for a garage sale. It was a toss up whether the police or the HOA would find them first. For their sake, I hoped it was the police. You don't mess with the HOA. Too scary.

With that taken care of, we grabbed a couple of ninja black motorcycles and were on our way to the ninja fortress. Time to rescue my son!

TO BE CONTINUED!