Parents Vs Ninjas

Calling All Ninjas

A ninja had disarmed me and held a katana to my throat. I'd lost. In the sleepless haze I was in, I was glad to finally stop moving. I'd fought to the end, but at least I'd gotten there.

Then Peter's alarm went off.

With a groan of unrelenting agony, my husband leaped up and headbutted the katana-wielding ninja away from me. Then the katana-wielding ninja and he had a suitably epic showdown. At least I hope he did. Because as soon as the blade was no longer at my throat and my body realized that I wasn't currently in combat, it decided to forcibly shut down until I could again think coherently. I didn't even feel my head hitting the bed.

My body's plan failed. I was jostled awake what felt like half a second later by Peter. I still not was coherent fully.

"This isn't working," he said. "It's been two hours, I'm out of ideas, and I can't stay awake any longer. We have to try something different. How do we win?"

The room now resembled the inside of a sardine can, if ants had dug tunnels through the sardines and then filled those tunnels with traps. Unconscious ninjas stacked floor to ceiling nearly filled the room, save for small tunnels connecting the beds, the door, and the window. I hated to imagine what it was like in the bathroom. Traps, some tripped and some awaiting prey, filled the narrow tunnels. A bucket filled with an unknown liquid was propped on top of the partly open door. A couple of ninjas were hanging by their feet from what had to be the world's strongest ceiling fan. Odd to find a hotel room with a ceiling fan, I thought again. I guess it was a good thing Peter brought his toolkit. At least now I knew how he'd spent his time as a boy scout.

A dozen ninjas or so were huddled around what I assumed was Beth, judging from all the cooing sounds they were making and their utter obliviousness to anything else.

Hazel and David were jumping up and down on the other hotel bed, waving ninja weapons and somehow fighting off a ninja between the two of them. I just sat there watching them and thinking how cute they were even as they jumped and fought. At least I'd managed to teach them something useful. Maybe it was okay to be imperfect, as long as I taught them what I could.

I could have just sat there forever. You know, laying down would have been even better. Just for a minute, or a week? Maybe forever?

Peter shook me gently. "Honey?" He was crying.

"I'm sorry," he said, "but I just can't keep going. I need to sleep."

"Me, too," I said.

"Do you have any ideas?" he pleaded.

More ninjas fell into the room through a vent. Big vents.

They're just like children.

I can teach children.

"That's it!" I shouted and leapt to my feet, accidentally hitting Peter in the jaw on the way up.

"Sorry!"

Peter shook his head, then sat down hard. I quickly beat up the ninjas and then pulled Peter to his feet. It was getting difficult to stand with all the bodies piling up.

"Cover me for just a minute and I can get us out of this!" I shouted.

Peter nodded somewhat dazedly, but that would have to do. This idea had given me a burst of energy, and I needed to use it before my exhaustion overcame me once more.

Unlocking my phone, I scoured the internet for some kind of website or way to contact the ninjas. Nothing remotely legitimate sounding turned up. Then I realized. How do you find an ancient society online? You use an ancient form of social media. Just like I do. I logged into my Facebook account, resisted the urge to scroll through my feed, and soon found the ninja Facebook group.

"Want The Silent But Deadly?" I posted. "Meet me in the hotel ballroom in 10 minutes. Don't be late."

Suddenly all the ninjas started buzzing as their phones received the notification. Then "It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight..." started playing and one ninja hurriedly pulled out his phone and turned it off. There's always someone who forgets to silence their phone.

The ninjas looked from their phones to each other and then to me, processing this new development. One ninja threw a smoke bomb. I grabbed David to make sure they didn't run off with him, and when the smoke had cleared the room was empty of ninjas. They'd even taken the ones we'd knocked out! Talk about room service...even if the window was still in tiny pieces.

It was eerily quiet for the next few seconds as I had to process a world without ninjas actively attacking me. I kind of liked it.

I wanted to just lie back in bed and sleep for the next ten minutes, but with my luck I'd oversleep and David would get kidnapped again. Maybe I should have given myself more time in the post, but it was too late now. One way or another this needed to end.

"Um, what just happened?" asked Peter.

I filled him in on my plan.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

I laughed a nearly hysterical laugh. "Sure? Not even close. But it's the best weapon left in my arsenal. I've got to try something before I keel over from exhaustion."

"Okay," Peter said. "I trust you."

I nodded and stood up. Once my vision cleared, I was still standing. I'd call that a victory.

We moved carefully through the halls of the hotel, keeping David in the middle. I led and Peter served as our rear-guard with Beth in the wrap, keeping the kids between us. We saw some decorative shrubbery in the hallways and made sure to attack first. One of them turned out to be real. Oops.

But all too soon we arrived at the ballroom. We opened the doors to find the room filled to bursting with ninjas. Too bad we didn't have some massive explosive, or we might have been able to solve this problem in one easy shot...that is until the ninjas who hadn't come decided to hunt us down in revenge. On second thought, maybe it was best if I stuck to plan A.

Still, the sight of that many ninjas unnerved me. If I walked in there, I'd either win or die. There could be no middle ground. I had one shot to save my family, and my mind was still hazy from sleep deprivation.

One big deep breath in.

One big deep breath out.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to see Peter. He nodded encouragingly.

"You can do this!" he whispered.

I nodded back. It was show time.

I walked boldly into the center of the room, my head held high. I could do this. I hoped. After all, I'd been training in this for years with my kids. It was time to unleash my most powerful parenting weapon ever:

Parental Negotiation Skills.

TO BE CONTINUED!!!