Parents Vs Ninjas

The Offer

We were trapped in the dungeon basement of the ninja fortress with the stairs on fire and no other way out. Time for Hazel's leak-proof water bottle.

Pulling Hazel's bottle out of my diaper bag, I called "Honey, do you want a drink?"

The almost-two-year-old raised both arms (despite being already high on my husband Peter's back) and proudly proclaimed "Wawa!"

We were in business.

Peter lifted Hazel off his back and positioned her next to the burning stairs with her leak-proof water bottle. As she drank, more water than should have been physically possible leaked from the bottle and onto the flames, dowsing them. Peter carried her up the stairs, leaking and drinking as she went. For once the defective bottle wasn't so frustrating.

After stepping carefully over the remaining caltrops, we passed the last remnants of burning oil, so I retook the lead while Peter got Hazel back on his back, her bottle still leaking water from whatever pocket dimension it all came from.

Then the stairs split, so I took the right split. When those stairs led out into empty space with a couple of gigantic kites hanging near the opening, I decided that left was right after all.

Up, up, up, up, up the stairs we went...until we came to a tunnel!

At the far end of the tunnel was David. My son! My baby was in sight! Next to him was an old ninja with white hair and a beard peeping out from his mask.

Between the two of them and me were over a dozen ninjas with bows, who were themselves about thirty yards away. Probably too far for me to run screaming with my trusty broom, even if I did spin it.

"Well done!" called the white-haired ninja. "You have proven your value in stealth and combat! The powers of parenting serve you well!"

"Shut up and get to the point!" I yelled.

"I am Chimon. Join me, and I will make you the leader of an elite group of assassins!" said the old ninja, "You can live here between missions, watching over your son while we train him to be The Silent But Deadly who can unite the ninja clans under a single leader!"

"I won't kill people for money! I only fight to defend my family and others!"

"I'll make sure that you're only sent to kill evil people. Surely that is a worthy way to make the world a better place. And what better use could there be for your talents?"

I could change the world. I could be with my son. I could do even more with the skills I'd learned as a mom. I could get my face on ninja cereal boxes! And yet... I looked down at Beth still sleeping peacefully in the wrap on my chest, wasn't I already changing the world? And wasn't this the very man who had stolen my son from me in the first place? The son he now wanted to shape into his own thieving, murdering, mercenary image while he distracted me with missions and side quests?

No.

It was my job to teach David right from wrong. Mine and Peter's. And no ninja or anyone else was going to take that away from me! This old guy respected my parenting powers? Now he would learn to fear them! ...just as soon as I figured out how to close the distance between us without becoming a human pincushion.

"Well?" Chimon asked. "I'm waiting for your answer."

Just then Peter reached the top of the stairs behind me, panting heavily.

"Stairs!" he gasped, and then fell over.

I could throw a diaper grenade or Peter could tell one of his dad jokes, but either attack would take too long. The archers could fire before either reached its mark, and even if we hit one, there were too many archers. Only one weapon could incapacitate so many ninjas so quickly at such a distance.

"Hmm..." I said, rubbing my forehead with the broom handle while jostling baby Beth with my other hand. "I need to think about it..."

Beth's eyes fluttered open, as big and brown and cute as can be. Then she realized that she'd been woken up early and her face scrunched up like a crumpled ball of aluminum foil even as it turned dark, angry red.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The archers all screamed, covered their ears, and fell over in the fetal position. The old ninja gasped but otherwise remained motionless. David covered his ears and cried. It hurt me even worse, both because of my proximity to this class 5 sonic weapon and because these were the cries of my own baby. But I could take it. I'm a mom, and my other baby needed me.

I didn't dare quiet Beth for fear that the archers might recover, so bracing myself against the agony in my ears I raced forward to wrap my one arm around David. My broom cracked Chimon across the face, but it turned out that "Chimon" was just a piece of wood with some hair, a costume and speakers.

"You might have your son," those speakers said over the sound of Beth's continued cries, "but you'll never escape me! My assassins and I will hunt you till the end of the earth! You'll never be safe until your son is mine for good!"

I chucked that stupid wooden statue out the window, then calmed Beth and David down. Mommy was here, and I'd protect them.

Then the rays of dawn were darkened as the sky filled with the sight of ninjas with purple belts riding giant kites!

TO BE CONTINUED!

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