Parents Vs Ninjas

The Sleep-Deprived Midafternoon of the Soul

A ninja just crashed through the window of our brand new hotel room. The one we'd hoped the would-be kidnappers would take at least eight hours or so to find. I was really beginning to hate ninjas. If only they'd let me sleep.

Well, if they wouldn't let us hide we'd just have to fight until they stopped coming. Or rather, I'd have to keep fighting until the alarm woke my husband and kids from their nap.

My bo staff smashed the ninja between his legs before cracking him on the head. Stupid jerk. Then another ninja entered the room after the first. And another.

The next hour was a dazed collection of fighting, ninjas, and my own bleary thoughts. I had to guard the bed my family was sleeping on and on and on on.

I can beat ninjas. Shattered images of enemies running, fighting, falling, vomiting at the brutal effects of a diaper grenade in the face. Exhaustion's the real enemy. The bo staff felt like a fully loaded barbell in my grip. My eyelids kept drooping of their own accord.

They just won't let up.

More ninjas. More fighting. More screaming. More crying. And still Peter and the kids slept. I knew that Peter could sleep through nearly anything, but this was impressive, even for him.

I couldn't keep doing this. I was slowing down. A nunchuck managed to get past my defenses and struck my leg painfully. At least the user managed to knock herself out on the rebound. Nunchucks are the best, as long as they're in the hands of my enemies.

I hadn't made it the full hour, but this would have to do. I shook Peter awake with one hand even as my other managed to pop another ninja in the face with my bo staff.

With a roar like an angry grizzly bear rudely awakened mid-hibernation, my husband Peter leaped from the hotel bed and smashed his way through the ninjas surrounding me with his katana. I collapsed, taking his place and the bed and desperately wishing for a nice long nap.

The alarm I'd forgotten to turn off screamed at me an unknown time later like a devil from hell, but I managed to turn it off without fully regaining coherence. I dreamed that Peter was fighting a bunch of monkeys while saying "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."

All too soon Peter was shaking me awake, and it once again my turn to fight off the ninjas. Somehow the kids remained asleep. How I wished they'd do that normally.

With diaper grenades and bo staff I resumed my fight. I just had to last long enough for either the ninjas to stop coming or for me to hand the baton back to Peter.

On they came, an endless stream of ninjas until the floor began filling up with unconscious bodies and my arms shook with exhaustion.

Back and forth I switched naps with Peter, but the ninjas just didn't end. Each nap I dreamed of Peter telling new dad jokes. They attacked my sanity almost as much as the sleep deprivation did.

I was failing to protect my family. My kids. Ninja after ninja, blow after blow they were wearing me down. It was all my fault. I should have just accepted that offer. Given in. Who was I to defy all of ninja-kind? An idiot, apparently. I couldn't do it. I didn't have what it takes.

In parts of the room there were unconscious ninjas stacked to the ceiling but still they came.

They're just like a toddler who wants a treat. They'll just keep trying until they get what they want, and all the logic and no's in the world won't stop them.

I wasn't strong enough or smart enough or enough enough to be the mom my children needed. If only I'd just accepted the deal my family would be safe and I'd have fun being a ninja. Now we'd all die for my stubbornness.

We'd all die.

Just not quite yet. I still had a little more fight left in me.

Hit. Parry. Strike. Strike. Hit. Parry. Hit. Parry. Spike hits perry. Perry Sperry ninja parry, oh contrary, hit!

The bo staff ninja I'd been fighting this time managed to hit me, a solid thump on the head.

Ow!

That woke me up just enough to block the next strike, sweep her legs and knock her out. But I couldn't keep this up. I was slowing, slipping, sliding towards total defeat and the loss of David.

NO!!!

I beat the next few fighters in a flurry of furious blows. But then exhaustion set in again. Somehow I found myself sitting down on the side of the bed even as I continued to fight the next wave of attackers. I just needed a break. Another quick nap between ninjas? Just a second to close my eyes? I wouldn't even need to close them. I'd only have to let them not open. So heavy.

I shook Peter once again, but this time he didn't get up. He just moaned and shifted in his sleep.

I kept fighting. Kept swinging that bo staff. Keep slowly running out of gas, then out of steam, then out of fumes. I was past empty, but I fought on. Because that's what I did. I protected my family. At least I tried.

A blow knocked the bo staff from my hands and I found a blade raised to my throat. I'd tried.

Then Peter's alarm went off.

TO BE CONTINUED!