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When I was little I dreamt of having having my happily ever after, have my Prince Charming sweep me off my feet as we rode off on a white horse into the sun set. I dreamt of love being easy and love treating me kindly, I always chased after anything my heart desired and whatever I could do to gain feelings of love.
I wanted the whole thing, I wanted to gain feelings, fall in love, have a boyfriend, get married, and my heart be full. I know it's all really cheesy but it's honestly how I felt. I never wanted what my parents had, after my dad left and realize how bitter and cold my parents were I just knew in my heart that couldn't and wouldn't be me.
I always got myself into situations where I could potentially get my self hurt but I wanted to feel that endearing feeling that everyone around me felt. So I'm a person who loves to romanticize everything in life, I romanticized any guy who came into my life who seemed like a good fit.
I'm twenty and never had my first boyfriend before, I mean it's pretty sad quite honestly.
I've hooked up with someone in my first year of university, it was my first time and it happened in the bathroom of a St. Patrick's party. I always thought my first time would be a little bit more magical than what I experienced.
The sex was good at least, but it wasn't anything special.
The guy didn't even offer to clean me up, and I tried asking for his number later in the party but he kinda ended up pretending he didn't know who I was and later found seen him making out with a girl in the kitchen. Which I came to find out was his girlfriend.
I tried dating apps went on a couple dates, nothing ever stuck or they just simply tried to hook up with me.
It's a common theme, good enough to fuck but never good enough to love. Good enough to mess around with but never enough to get to know. Why did I feel like this case with Jadean would be any different?
Why did I feel like I was special just because he told me his secrets? Why did I feel special just because he made moves on me? I wasn't special, nothing about me stood out and quite frankly I think I'm a pretty simple and boring girl.
I wanted to live my simple, boring life but I guess that's not what reels the guys in these days.
I know relationships and love aren't everything, but it just sucks having everyone around you be able to gain the one thing you could ever want so easily. I don't know why I felt as if I'm not enough for people, am I ever enough?
Only time could tell.
It had been a week after the beach incident and all I kinda really did was wallow in my own woes in my room. I spent most of my time shutting out the world, and re watching every single season of Bad Girls Club.
The comforting salty taste of lays and one of my favourite tv shows never failed to sustain me. I hadn't spoken to anyone other than Nina and Camilla. I'm not sure where Kiyana has been cause she hadn't been posting on social media, and I haven't heard anything from Jadean.
