OFF OF THE DEEP END | CHANGLIX ✔️

21. he's beautiful two

what makes you beautiful // one direction
tw: vague mentions of depression, anxiety, and appearance issues; contains a panic attack

Felix awoke to the sound of steady breathing and the insipid thrum of the plane. His head rested upon a cushion, neck tilted at an uncomfortable angle. Painstakingly removing his head from the alluringly soft pillow that urged him to stay there and nap for the entire flight, he sat up. The movie had long been paused, residing on a time early in the film. Felix turned to Changbin, wondering what his "bodyguard" was doing to pass time.

Felix assumed that he'd find that Changbin once again respectfully moved away to do his own thing: either typing away on a polished silver laptop (don't judge, it's just what Felix imagined the bookshop worker doing in his free time) or reading one of the many novels his nose was always buried in.

Instead, he was completely asleep.

The shiny black strands of hair that Felix had always secretly desired to run his hand through had broken from their normal style and curled into ringlets that fell into Changbin's eyes. Sleep had forced his full lips into a pout that occasionally puffed out small breaths.

Felix silently admired him, enamored with his adorable face that contrasted so highly with his fit body. Void of toned muscles, his cheeks ballooned outward with a heavy sigh. Oh, how Felix wished to glide his lips on the smooth skin there as he'd done nights before, cherish Changbin's handsome face with a rainfall of dotting kisses.

But alas, he didn't even know if the man was gay or not. He didn't seem to be homophobic, staying friends with Felix after all of the hints the idol had leaked about his sexuality, such as the minor affair with Hyunjin. And even if the improbable happened and Changbin was both attracted to men and Felix, it's not like they would get that far in a relationship.

Felix was flawed. He was egotistical at times, lifted up by screaming fans that promised he deserved the entire world. He was anxious and suffered from panic attacks that left him crumpled up on the bathroom floor after the adrenaline rush from concerts left. Depression struck on bad days, insecurities gaining claws and teeth and beating him down to the corner of the mirrored dance room where the reflection of him sobbing was inescapable. Backhanded compliments about the childish features Felix hated so much made it nearly impossible for him to look at himself, and seeing his face encapsulated within plastic as a charm or suspended above the city on massive giant billboards just made it worse. The long meetings he suffered through just to hear his management ranting about what he was doing wrong only lead to hours curled up in bed, tear streaks staining his cheeks as he scrolled through the endless hate comments on everything his did.

If anyone managed to get past the near impervious barrier of serious flaws that barred Felix from receiving true love, he was still a celebrity. Sure, he'd long outgrown the dating ban— but he was still in the spotlight, more than ever after the hiatus drew more attention to him. Doing anything public would be impossible, fans and paparazzi lingered on every camera with cameras pointed in his direction. It was a miracle he'd managed to befriend Changbin without being in the public eye, although the hair and freckles creating an inherently un-Felix look did help. But now that changing his hair to a neutral color was out of the question, he could not stay hidden, not when his hair was such a vibrant, unusual color. Felix was at the top of his career right now, and indulging in something for his own pleasure was a selfish decision that would deter what he had worked so hard for.

For now, his first goal should be convincing his management to allow him more freedom. An annoyingly gorgeous boy would have to be set off to the side, as temping as he was. Felix would allow himself to forward their friendship, but he promised himself that if the course set for their relationship impacted his idol career he would step out for his own safety, and leave the pretty boy behind.